Today feels calm, without stress attached to alcohol vs. no alcohol.
Another weekend without any alcohol doesn't seem difficult now...how much things have changed for me. Or, perhaps, how much I have changed.
I am in a holding pattern now, I think, focusing on the upcoming end of my initial 100 days.
Carrie,
ReplyDeleteI have only been reading your posts for a while, but I went back to the beginning to get a feel for your journey. I congratulate you on your success and thank you for your honesty. I am one of those that probably needs to give it up forever, but am having a tough time grappling with that. I worry about you drinking again because you have come so far, but also understand the , what really works for me questions.....I read some things in your earlier posts that give you some insight as to whether you should drink again or not, I think day 18 and 9 were 2 that stood out.
congratulations on your success and thanks for sharing A
jnr mama, I did go back and reread those. Good point. I still don't really want to like being 100% sober. But I mostly do. Part of me says, if I can do 100 days without alcohol, who knows what other unlikely and amazing things I can accomplish?
DeleteHi Carrie, I've just caught up with your recent posts, and I thought I'd share what happened to me around the "drink again or never drink again" question. I didn't do the 100 day challenge, so there wasn't a deadline in sight for me. I quit for 40 days, and got on a roll feeling so good I just kept on going. After about 8 months I met Mrs D, and she asked me "Do you think you'll ever drink again?" And I realised then that I didn't know. I hadn't really decided about that. But it was a question that stuck around in my head, so I took a rational look at it and asked myself "If I decided to drink again, what would that add to my life? How would my life be better? What, specifically would improve? Really honestly?"
ReplyDeleteThe only thing I could think of that would be a genuine improvement, was that a glass of wine would pretty much instantly relax me when I wanted to switch off (which I want to do a lot!).
Other than that, I couldn't give one rational argument why I'd be better off drinking than being sober. And even imagining that instant relaxation scenario to its logical conclusion, I realised that sure, I'd relax fast, and stay relaxed for about half an hour, but then I'd be looking around for another drink, and that unleashes a whole set of decisions and pressures. I'd also need to decide when I drank, what I drank, how often and how much. And I realised that I just don't want to have to deal with those questions any more.
Those questions wreck my peace. And that is too high a price to pay.
Anyway, after that conversation with myself, I came to a pretty stunning realisation: I never have to drink alcohol again. I can have a perfectly good, and in fact much better life without it. I never have to deal with those annoying questions again. I never have to feel remorseful about how much or how often I drink. Because not drinking a totally viable option. That was a huge relief.
Sorry, I don't mean to sound evangelistic. But this was a really exciting concept for me. It was a whole new possibility, and it felt bright and happy and full of hope. The option of trying to drink moderately felt murky, dangerous, and very likely fail at some point. I just didn't want to go near that again. I guess I really and truly was "tired of thinking about drinking."
I have to agree with you Sue. As soon as I took the pressure of moderating off and said "I quit forever" I could stop worrying about booze altogether. It was really quite wonderful! But I also knew that I would fail miserably at moderation and didn't want to take the chance of being even worse than I had been.
DeleteCarrie, it's a tough and individual decision. I want you to save yourself the trouble of navigating those waters and just stay sober, but it isn't about me, is it? :) You've got support no matter what. xoxoxo
Sue- that lure of instant relaxation is strong for me. And there are other things. Possibly bogus things: Enjoying sharing a glass of wine with my husband (but he does have an off switch, and furthermore doesn't mind whether I drink or not), having a great wine with a gourmet meal (but, really, the main focus with such a meal is the food), partaking of the grand and romantic tradition of winemaking (but just how romantic is over-indulging in wine, which is almost certainly where I'd end up). Color me confused.
DeleteAmy- Just saying "quit forever" to myself makes me unhappy. Part of me says, Wait, you PROMISED me I could have wine again if I just stopped for 100 days. (No, I didn't really, but part of me feels that way- resentful and angry about what feels like a Bait and Switch). I wish I felt a clearer sense of resolution on this.
DeleteI agree with Sue and Amy. I went 100, then 180, now 300+. There is nothing that good that I can recall about my drinking days that would be worth trading all of the hard work I have put in to feel as good as I do about my sober self. Nothing. For those of us who ended up here, having to give it up, it will never be 'just one' or 'fun' enough to be worth it.
ReplyDeleteI hope you decide to continue. Well done so far!!!!
Carrie K to Carrie C- 300+ is absolutely awesome! Congrats! I wish my thoughts and feelings about this (whether to experiment with alcohol now or not) were clearer- but they are not. I tell myself I don't want to spend my life feeling afraid of alcohol, which I think I would if I told myself it was a 'poison' I will never touch again. On the other hand, part of me says, perhaps it really IS a poison for me, and perhaps I SHOULD be afraid of it.
DeleteI did promise myself when I started this blog that I would be completely (brutally if necessary) honest with myself and my writing. And so this is where I am. Just unsure and I bit confused (which, frankly, is very very unusual for me).