Yesterday was tough for me- which took me totally by surprise. Perhaps it is the letdown of the holidays being over? Or the gloomy low-sunshine weather?
Anyway, everything felt flat and boring yesterday. As least half a dozen times I caught the thought- Why don't I go get a nice bottle of wine for the evening? As though that would relieve the boredom, add some excitement and meaning to my existence. But Wolfie did not get the better of me!
I gritted my teeth, drank some diet ginger ale, ate a bit, read another magazine, played candy crush, more ginger ale- and went to bed early. Today seems better.
These Sneak Attacks are hard, and take a ton of energy to power through! But I keep comforting myself with imagined pictures of those new non-drinking neural pathways being laid down, making the next time easier, and the one after that, easier still! I hope! :)
Anyway, everything felt flat and boring yesterday. As least half a dozen times I caught the thought- Why don't I go get a nice bottle of wine for the evening? As though that would relieve the boredom, add some excitement and meaning to my existence. But Wolfie did not get the better of me!
I gritted my teeth, drank some diet ginger ale, ate a bit, read another magazine, played candy crush, more ginger ale- and went to bed early. Today seems better.
These Sneak Attacks are hard, and take a ton of energy to power through! But I keep comforting myself with imagined pictures of those new non-drinking neural pathways being laid down, making the next time easier, and the one after that, easier still! I hope! :)
It's interesting how the neural pathways are repairing and changing, but we still have these default settings that reboot occasionally. I was baking bread today. It turned into a bit of a disaster, and without even knowing it had happened I found myself daydreaming about drinking a big cold glass of wine when I'd cleaned up the kitchen... I haven't had a drink for 14 months, but there it was, clear as day, an instant "solution" to a downer experience! But I didn't drink -- not even a failed wild yeast sourdough experiment could get me to drink now!
ReplyDeleteI think I had a belief that I should never have to feel negative emotions- frustration, boredom, anger, etc. I believe on some level I was convinced that feeling these was dangerous, harmful to me. Which ties in a bit with that Victim Mentality: Poor me, I shouldn't have to endure these negative emotions. So my habit was to anesthetize away from these with wine. And now, sober, I am learning that I can sit through these emotions, feel them, and eventually they dissipate. Phew! (I need to get out my miniature neural jackhammers again and take out some more of those old default neural pathways!)
DeleteThe thoughts at 60+ days are different than the thoughts during early sobriety, aren't they? Now I get more fleeting "Gee a glass of wine would be nice" rather than "My life sucks, I suck, everything sucks, why not just drink". Those pathways were really sick.
ReplyDeleteGlad you powered thru to day 69! We're 2/3 there :)
We are!! It's rather astounding to me, but here I am, and here you are! Kudos to us!!!
DeleteAnd I agree, there is trend toward the "Wolfie Attacks" being milder, not quite as compelling. It becomes easier to say: "Shut up and Go Away!!"
I wonder if it's the January blues? I felt exactly the same yesterday - tired and went to bed early too. Felt better today and hope you do too :)
ReplyDeleteThese seemingly endless cold blah days may certainly be a component. If so, they should improve tomorrow as I head to Miami for a meeting this weekend- here's hoping! And sleep definitely helps!!
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