Today I am feeling 'off'. Not bad, just not-myself (um, whoever that is, lol!)
I'm feeling partway between who I was when I drank wine every evening, and who I am becoming in what I project to be a mostly alcohol-free life.
I feel unfamiliar to myself, sort of psychically naked and not knowing where to find 'clothes'.
When I drill down on this feeling, I find fear. Two months sober seems about the right amount of time for it to sink in. What started out as an almost whimsical commitment to the 100-day challenge has become so much more than that. Maybe akin to the time in a diet when you realize you can't ever go back to your old junk food and carbs diet and maintain your weight loss. Only this is deeper, psyche-shaking.
So sobriety is more serious, has way more implications than I realized two months ago. It means taking total responsibility for myself- no more victim, no more 'poor me, this is too hard, let's have a glass of wine', no more 'well, I'd had a few glasses of wine, so no wonder...'
I am scared. (Where's my wine??!) But no, I won't. I will feel my feelings, and observe myself, and tell myself this is a doorway to a different place that will not feel so scary on the other side.
I'm feeling partway between who I was when I drank wine every evening, and who I am becoming in what I project to be a mostly alcohol-free life.
I feel unfamiliar to myself, sort of psychically naked and not knowing where to find 'clothes'.
When I drill down on this feeling, I find fear. Two months sober seems about the right amount of time for it to sink in. What started out as an almost whimsical commitment to the 100-day challenge has become so much more than that. Maybe akin to the time in a diet when you realize you can't ever go back to your old junk food and carbs diet and maintain your weight loss. Only this is deeper, psyche-shaking.
So sobriety is more serious, has way more implications than I realized two months ago. It means taking total responsibility for myself- no more victim, no more 'poor me, this is too hard, let's have a glass of wine', no more 'well, I'd had a few glasses of wine, so no wonder...'
I am scared. (Where's my wine??!) But no, I won't. I will feel my feelings, and observe myself, and tell myself this is a doorway to a different place that will not feel so scary on the other side.
It is scary, someone took away what was our comfort blanket. But you'll find a new more healthy one :)
ReplyDeleteIt's even worse than that, Lucy. Nobody took alcohol away from me, I voluntarily gave it away. It's as though I divorced one of my closest friends- When I meet up with him in the future, he will always be my Ex, never my dependable friend again. I guess there's no wonder I feel disoriented. Sigh.
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DeleteToday I'm 71 Days with out alcohol and I honestly couldn't have word it better than you have in this blog.
DeleteI totally relate to this post. It's almost the same feeling you get when someone close to you dies. You know they've died, but it takes months for the deep reality of that fact to sink in. We go through shock, and grief, then bewildered adjustment... and eventually our body chemistry gets sorted out, our habits and expectations get adjusted, and a new normal starts to get established. But it takes time, and it is a huge change. It's good to know this, and make allowances for it when we stop drinking. A good reminder to be kind to ourselves.
ReplyDeleteThat's it exactly, Sue. Not to be too dramatic about it, I kinda feel knee deep in grief, in the midst of mourning. Strangely enough, naming my feeling this way is helpful, as in: Nobody feel great when they are mourning. Just keep walking.
DeleteAnd thank you for your reminder about self-kindness!
Carrie, I feel a bit the same. Having tried a couple of reunions with wine, it's not so easy, so I really do have to face a bigger problem than I was admitting at the beginning. I'm not super comfortable with that. It's a habit, sure, but there's also a whole lot of identity stuff involved. Sigh indeed. It's good to see you doing so well, despite the scariness!
ReplyDeleteI know this feeling too. I identified with my smoking drinking self. Letting that go always upset me. I try to visualize the person I want to identify with to keep me sober for periods of time. So instead of grieving a loss, I try to embrace the person I am without the booze.
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