Me (to Mister): I was remembering years ago when I had surgery, and was in the hospital for 5 or 6 days afterward. I felt vaguely nauseated the whole time- from the pain medicine, I think. Specifically, I was remembering that woozy, spinning-head, not-quite-there feeling from the pain medicine.
Mister: So, what about it?
Me: I had this brief love-hate relationship with the pain medicine then- I loved it because it took away that searing acute pain, but I dreaded each dose because it made me feel like not-myself.
Mister: Oh?
Me: So, looking at it from the vantage point of 60+ days without alcohol, I see a resemblance between the Pain-Medicine-Not-Me feeling and how I feel after drinking alcohol. I wonder why I never noticed that before?
Mister: What do you mean?
Me: Drinking alcohol is that same sort of feeling: Each glass put me further and further from being my real self, and more and more into that dizzying, not-quite-real, separated feeling.
Mister: Really?
Me: Yeah. And I really don't like that feeling. I wonder why I never noticed that before about alcohol?
Mister: Because you were in pain, and alcohol brought you pain relief.
Me: Oh. Yeah.
Mister: So, what about it?
Me: I had this brief love-hate relationship with the pain medicine then- I loved it because it took away that searing acute pain, but I dreaded each dose because it made me feel like not-myself.
Mister: Oh?
Me: So, looking at it from the vantage point of 60+ days without alcohol, I see a resemblance between the Pain-Medicine-Not-Me feeling and how I feel after drinking alcohol. I wonder why I never noticed that before?
Mister: What do you mean?
Me: Drinking alcohol is that same sort of feeling: Each glass put me further and further from being my real self, and more and more into that dizzying, not-quite-real, separated feeling.
Mister: Really?
Me: Yeah. And I really don't like that feeling. I wonder why I never noticed that before about alcohol?
Mister: Because you were in pain, and alcohol brought you pain relief.
Me: Oh. Yeah.
My last relapse started with misusing a pain med. For me, any numbing agent would do. I think I chose alcohol because it was easiest to get. Looking back, it was all so crazy.
ReplyDeleteIt's fascinating to me that we're at 57 and 64 days. Those first few days crawled by, and suddenly, here we are. We'd better start planning for what happens at 100, cause it's gonna be here before we know it:)
You are so right. I seem to feel a compulsion to 'try' alcohol again, to see how it feels/looks with the eyes of sobriety- which, I admit, sounds crazy (but I never claimed not to be, lol). And yet, I am also afraid- of being claimed by Wolfie if I offer even a little opening. Belle suggests maybe trying 180 days before seriously considering what to do next.
DeleteSo far, this has been MUCH easier and more rewarding than I would have guessed. But I do miss the great glass of wine with a fine dinner, sharing wine with Mister in the early summer evenings, you know- THOSE moments. So, I am up in the air.
wow. All I can say. :)
ReplyDelete