This morning I saw my sweatshirt on the floor in the hallway. Oh, I thought, I must have done that last night when I was drinking.
Oops- wait, I wasn't drinking. That is apparently just me.
Or a few days ago when 20 year old son said, Mom, I told you about this last night- Don't you remember? Oh, yeah, um, wait, wait, sure, sure I remember now. (Thinking: I forgot what you said because I was too tipsy to remember). And then- Oh, wait, I wasn't drinking. I must just have been tired and already into relaxing/heading-for-bed mode when you told me whatever.
Or: Morning sink full of dirty dishes again. After the third glass of wine I lose interest in cleaning up. Shame. No, wait, I wasn't drinking last night, I just decided I was done with To-Do's for the evening- and that's OK.
You get the idea. There was a lot of behaviour I assumed was due to drinking, that is actually not.
This tells me 2 things (maybe more?)
#1: Drinking was so ingrained in my image of myself that I had Automatic Excuse/Shame thoughts to put things in context the next morning. I am OK with dumping these!
#2: Not everything Not-Perfect I did was due to alcohol. Some of them are just plain un-marinated me. And accepting that is fine.
Bonus #3: This not-drinking, this 100 days, is a time of more self-observation and self-discovery than I've seen since adolescence.
About time for me to understand my self better, yes? And to be gentle, caring and loving about it.
More discoveries coming, I am sure!!
Oops- wait, I wasn't drinking. That is apparently just me.
Or a few days ago when 20 year old son said, Mom, I told you about this last night- Don't you remember? Oh, yeah, um, wait, wait, sure, sure I remember now. (Thinking: I forgot what you said because I was too tipsy to remember). And then- Oh, wait, I wasn't drinking. I must just have been tired and already into relaxing/heading-for-bed mode when you told me whatever.
Or: Morning sink full of dirty dishes again. After the third glass of wine I lose interest in cleaning up. Shame. No, wait, I wasn't drinking last night, I just decided I was done with To-Do's for the evening- and that's OK.
You get the idea. There was a lot of behaviour I assumed was due to drinking, that is actually not.
This tells me 2 things (maybe more?)
#1: Drinking was so ingrained in my image of myself that I had Automatic Excuse/Shame thoughts to put things in context the next morning. I am OK with dumping these!
#2: Not everything Not-Perfect I did was due to alcohol. Some of them are just plain un-marinated me. And accepting that is fine.
Bonus #3: This not-drinking, this 100 days, is a time of more self-observation and self-discovery than I've seen since adolescence.
About time for me to understand my self better, yes? And to be gentle, caring and loving about it.
More discoveries coming, I am sure!!
I was just thinking about this last night when my husband was calling me while I was out with friends. I always thought I was bad at checking/answering my phone while out because I was drinking, but in fact I am bad at it sober, too! Oh well. You are right about the shame, though. Now I don't feel SO bad about it when before I would have. Interesting discoveries!! :) -Jen
ReplyDeleteFunny, isn't it? Many things we thought were so because of alcohol turn out to be just innate us. Without shame, that poisonous and most destructive of feelings!
DeleteSame here. I'm learning huge things about myself too and am adjusting the way I do things too - so less FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) focused. Who knew?! :)
ReplyDeleteFOG? I haven't heard that before, but I love it! That's part of that vicious spiral: Drink, so feel FOG, so drink more to shut that out, etc... And with even a day or two without alcohol, we begin to destroy that endless spiral. Yay, Us!!!
DeleteABSOLUTELY, I have been experiencing the exact same realizations! I was constantly blaming everything on the booze and still catch myself doing it. It's much easier to not have to feel guilty because you WERE drinking. Take alcohol out of the equation and suddenly leaving dishes in the sink can be blamed on "just not feeling like cleaning." Which feels way better than "booze is taking away my ability to get up and clean this shit up!" Being sober gets rid of a lot of guilt :)
ReplyDeleteSobriety DOES really lower the guilt levels, which in turn makes it easier to say no to alcohol. I could be falling in love with sobriety (except for that sneaky little voice- Wolfie, I guess- who still whispers about the possibilities of moderation- which I know I will be exploring after my initial 100 days. And probably concluding that it works better just not to drink at all, but we shall see).
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