This morning I saw my sweatshirt on the floor in the hallway. Oh, I thought, I must have done that last night when I was drinking.
Oops- wait, I wasn't drinking. That is apparently just me.
Or a few days ago when 20 year old son said, Mom, I told you about this last night- Don't you remember? Oh, yeah, um, wait, wait, sure, sure I remember now. (Thinking: I forgot what you said because I was too tipsy to remember). And then- Oh, wait, I wasn't drinking. I must just have been tired and already into relaxing/heading-for-bed mode when you told me whatever.
Or: Morning sink full of dirty dishes again. After the third glass of wine I lose interest in cleaning up. Shame. No, wait, I wasn't drinking last night, I just decided I was done with To-Do's for the evening- and that's OK.
You get the idea. There was a lot of behaviour I assumed was due to drinking, that is actually not.
This tells me 2 things (maybe more?)
#1: Drinking was so ingrained in my image of myself that I had Automatic Excuse/Shame thoughts to put things in context the next morning. I am OK with dumping these!
#2: Not everything Not-Perfect I did was due to alcohol. Some of them are just plain un-marinated me. And accepting that is fine.
Bonus #3: This not-drinking, this 100 days, is a time of more self-observation and self-discovery than I've seen since adolescence.
About time for me to understand my self better, yes? And to be gentle, caring and loving about it.
More discoveries coming, I am sure!!
Oops- wait, I wasn't drinking. That is apparently just me.
Or a few days ago when 20 year old son said, Mom, I told you about this last night- Don't you remember? Oh, yeah, um, wait, wait, sure, sure I remember now. (Thinking: I forgot what you said because I was too tipsy to remember). And then- Oh, wait, I wasn't drinking. I must just have been tired and already into relaxing/heading-for-bed mode when you told me whatever.
Or: Morning sink full of dirty dishes again. After the third glass of wine I lose interest in cleaning up. Shame. No, wait, I wasn't drinking last night, I just decided I was done with To-Do's for the evening- and that's OK.
You get the idea. There was a lot of behaviour I assumed was due to drinking, that is actually not.
This tells me 2 things (maybe more?)
#1: Drinking was so ingrained in my image of myself that I had Automatic Excuse/Shame thoughts to put things in context the next morning. I am OK with dumping these!
#2: Not everything Not-Perfect I did was due to alcohol. Some of them are just plain un-marinated me. And accepting that is fine.
Bonus #3: This not-drinking, this 100 days, is a time of more self-observation and self-discovery than I've seen since adolescence.
About time for me to understand my self better, yes? And to be gentle, caring and loving about it.
More discoveries coming, I am sure!!
