Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Sober Day #49- That Pesky OFF Switch!

49 days and holding.  As in, putting one foot in front of the other, walking forward, day after day.  It seems very strange not to be drinking this time of year, but not really unpleasant most of the time.  I realize a lot of the occasions that seemed to inevitably include alcohol were mostly my personal expectations, not intrinsic characteristics of the events themselves.

One of the emails quoted on Belle's blog recently talked about alcohol making her feel like she was going to have fun soon- not that she ever got to the part about actually feeling the fun.  For me, it is the anticipation of letting go, of stress, of expectations, of duties.  Being able to go to that Fuzzy Place where I don't have to think about or listen to any of these.  And for that first glass or two of wine, it might actually feel good, rewarding, happy.

But, ahhh, that lack of a OFF switch, that inability to say, Gee, I feel good, that's enough, thank you. That is where the damage came in for me.

Where did that defective OFF switch come from?  Partly genetic, I think, and partly cultural promotion of the joys of alcohol consumption.  Is it possible to acquire an OFF switch?  Can one go from being an excessive drinker to a moderate drinker, defining moderate as the ability to have one or two drinks and feel satisfied, feel no urge to consume more alcohol?

That was my goal when I started examining my alcohol consumption-  a glass or two of wine with dinner a few nights a week.  My thoughts on that are shifting.  I am beginning to believe that getting an OFF switch, actually learning moderate behaviour, will not be possible for me.  Let me rephrase that:  I know that I CAN, with focus, drink just one or two glasses of wine in an evening, and stop there.  But it takes LOTS of energy, self-talk, will-power to make it happen.  I CANNOT see a future where I will really drink one or two glasses of wine and not care if I have another glass or not.

On the other hand, whenever I tell myself I ABSOLUTELY CANNOT ever do something, it is like a dare to me to rebel.  Redheads don't look good in red?  Oh, yeah?  Look at me in this scarlet dress!  Adult women can't squat their own body weight?  Oh yeah?  Watch this!!  You can never ever drink any alcohol again?  Oh, yeah?  Watch me head to the wine store.

I am definitely committed to doing these 100 days.  But what will I do after that?  I'm not sure.  And I don't feel compelled to make a specific commitment now-  I realize I am just barely half-way through the 100 days.  So much has changed, become apparent, been different than I expected already-  and I'm pretty sure the next 50 days will also bring more of these. But I'm just thinking...

9 comments:

  1. I share the exact same thought processes. Is it possible to drink 'mindfully'? The problem is that alcohol over-rides the ability to be mindful and just makes me want to behave mindlessly. There in lies the catch ......

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    1. Excellent point: Somehow the 'normal' drinkers retain this mindfulness- and we just DON'T. I am very curious about this: whether it is inborn, genetic, unmutable- or whether there is potential for change.

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  2. I'm with you both on this. I can't take the received wisdom about alcohol and addiction as the whole truth, even though I know that the certainty and clarity around it can be a big help for some people. I really do need to figure things out for myself, and I am persistent in doing just that. But my recent experience is a good reminder that figuring out how to drink moderately isn't easy. I think the comment above is bang on abut why: if you need clear thinking to be moderate, but alcohol dulls clear thinking, how is it going to work? I'm not saying it can't, not at all. But I do think learning it successfully will take a while. I'm going to look for some good resources on this subject. Will keep you posted. In the meantime, congrats on day 49!

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    1. I really enjoy good wine. Many times, of course, I have just poured down my throat whatever approximately-white-wine swill is available. But other times, especially with excellent meals, I love the taste of paired wines MORE than I love the inebriation. Right now, I want to have my cake (Sobriety) and eat it also (fabulous wine with great dinners, the occasional journey to oblivion). Like you, I'm not convinced that it can't be done, but acknowledge that it seems very tricky and fraught with pitfalls. We shall see...

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  3. Yay for being half way!

    I have tried moderation, over and over only to come to the same conclusion. It does not work for me. When I moderate, I stew about not being able to continue on to oblivion. I want to not have to feel or think. Unfortunately, that's where things get black.

    Today is 45 days for me and I have nip idea what I'll do after 100. I'm hoping to learn even more by then about this beautiful sober life that I've been missing.

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    1. So the question becomes- can one ever replace a faulty OFF switch with one that functions normally? Or am I/are we stuck with these defective ones forever?

      Are you feeling like I am? semi-amazed to be approaching Day #50?

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    2. 47 days today. Almost halfway there and amazed (and somewhat proud). Still contemplating the, "then what" of it all.

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  4. Therein lies the only downside of this 100 day challenge. What to do after that??? My goal, after the 100, is 6 more months of total abstinence (for health reasons) After that? It's anybody's guess, especially if I'm no better physically. Maybe we all have that little voice that tells us moderation is a better goal. I listened to it last time and it cost me dearly. Apparently I'm a really slow learner tho, because still, it beckons.

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    1. Too true! I am very hopeful that without frequent alcohol, your immune system will repair itself in leaps and bounds, and 6 or 8 months from now you will find your functionality markedly improved!! My prayers are will you in this!!

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I'd love to hear about your journey, and hear your take on my journey. Comments are very welcome!!