Just do it?
Easy for Nike to say! Whoops, no, that's about exercise. Just say no? Oh, that was Nancy Reagan. Just set down the bottle, stupid! Oh, if only it were that easy!!
Those of us who've had problems with excess alcohol consumption know there is a constant inner battle between: Today I won't have any wine, and: OMG, I can't live through the rest of this day without wine.
Here's a simplistic example: Suppose you love chocolate chip cookies, and there is a platter of delectable ones sitting next to you.
Scenario A:
Situation: You put no mental restraints on your eating patterns.
Result: You eat or don't eat a cookie, and there is no mental stress attached with either.
Scenario B:
Situation: You have told yourself No Sweets Today. But they look so good. You eat two.
Result: Immediate gratification, but after about 5 minutes, you start beating up on yourself for not keeping your agreement. This may or may not lead to eating the rest of the platter.
Situation C:
Situation: You have told yourself No Sweets Today. You sit there trying to ignore the call of the cookies. After about 30 minutes, you can't stand the temptation any more, so you (a) put them down the garbage disposal (b) give them to the neighborhood children, or other.
Result: You've exercised a lot of will-power and you've won! You feel tired but triumphant.
Here's the really crazy part! Suppose you then serve people from each group a large bowl of their favorite flavor of ice cream. Studies show that after an exercise like this, people from Group C usually eat far more of the ice cream than Groups A or B.
WhaaaaT? Aren't these the people who just showed how well they could use their willpower in the Cookie part of the exercise? How could this happen?
It turns out that Willpower is in finite supply in most of us. You can't just endlessly count on using willpower to change a deeply in-grained habit. The habit will win a significant amount of the time. That's why we need a whole deep bag of strategies for helping us change our alcohol consumption.
(now we are veering into my personal opinion, rather that scientific studies). I think that is what's so brilliant about Belle's idea of frequent small and large rewards. In my experience, a pleasant reward sort of resets my willpower supply. For example, suppose I've had a stressful day at work. I arrive home, and regret that I've decided not to indulge in my old habit of a large glass of crisp white wine. I know I've decided not to drink today, and I resist the urge- but I feel a bit cheated, put-upon.
Then, however, I remember my rewards system, and have a large piece of my favorite chocolate cake, or indulge in alone-time in a luxurious bubble bath. Suddenly, I feel taken-care-of, reset, ready to tackle the rest of the evening without that pouty/resentful feeling/look on my face.
If you dropped by my house, say, an hour later, with a bottle of my favorite wine to share- by then, I'd be ready and able to say: No, thanks, not today. Would you like to try some of the fabulous iced tea I just made?
Showing posts with label alcohol. Show all posts
Showing posts with label alcohol. Show all posts
Saturday, February 22, 2014
Saturday, January 4, 2014
Sober Day #67- No Drama
Overuse of Alcohol is always accompanied by Drama. (I think this is true- although 'always statements always make me nervous, lol). For many the drama is overt, out in the open- noisy fights, door-slamming disagreements, drunk driving, etc. For me, however- and many others, I am finding out- the drama was always covert, quiet, secret. And I think it is harder to see the damage from this type of drama, harder perhaps to admit there is a problem with alcohol.
I liked drinking at home, by myself. An old favorite book or some new magazines was great- and I would quietly sip glass after glass of wine until I fell asleep.
So where's the drama in this scenario? Inside!
It was the daily focus on: What wine is in the house? Do I need to buy more? If so, where and when? The avoidance of other evening activities that might cut into this drinking time. The dropping out, bit by bit, of other enjoyable activities that didn't involve wine. The morning fogginess, the butt-dragging approach to each new day. It became a tunnel-vision version of wine, wine, wine- with everything else, everyone else being only of peripheral interest. And althoughthis happened while I was continuing to function well professionally, working out and remaining fit, keeping the house functioning well-
There was always this internal drama, this continuing back-chatter of avoidance, alcohol-focus, recrimination, shame: almost like living a second hidden life along with my outer functional one. This was a huge energy-suck, and having no energy left for creativity and non-alcohol fun compounded the dominant role of alcohol in my life.
At just over 2 months sober, this is incredibly different now. I awaken thinking of what awesome things I can tackle this day- rather than how little I can do and still function well. I bounce out of bed- almost literally- rather than slowly dragging my feet to the floor. I have energy and enthusiasm - not all the time, but the majority of the time. My mind runs in fruitful circles around itself, devising new things to try and finding fun and satisfaction in things I'm already doing- even as simple as seeing a cardinal on a snowy tree out my kitchen window while washing dishes.
I have to admit that, to my surprise, this ability to spend time here and now, without all energy being sucked up by internal alcohol-related drama, is amazingly satisfying and nourishing.
So I have a new guideline for myself: If something feels dramatic, compelling in a soap-opera sort of way, or becomes an energy-suck type of focus? It's time for me to examine it very closely, and see what lies I may be telling myself about this event/situation/thoughts.
Since a lot of early sobriety involves dealing with pains and dysfunctions that we drank to escape, there is a lot of sitting-through-pain and dealing with distasteful reality and non-productive adaptations we've developed over time. Finding clues like: Examine the Dramas- seems to help me dig out those dark roots and mal-adaptive behaviours that I have probably been feeling/using since childhood.
I find I very much like these no-drama moments, and they reinforce my decision never to be a daily drinker, and over-user of alcohol again!
I liked drinking at home, by myself. An old favorite book or some new magazines was great- and I would quietly sip glass after glass of wine until I fell asleep.
So where's the drama in this scenario? Inside!
It was the daily focus on: What wine is in the house? Do I need to buy more? If so, where and when? The avoidance of other evening activities that might cut into this drinking time. The dropping out, bit by bit, of other enjoyable activities that didn't involve wine. The morning fogginess, the butt-dragging approach to each new day. It became a tunnel-vision version of wine, wine, wine- with everything else, everyone else being only of peripheral interest. And althoughthis happened while I was continuing to function well professionally, working out and remaining fit, keeping the house functioning well-
There was always this internal drama, this continuing back-chatter of avoidance, alcohol-focus, recrimination, shame: almost like living a second hidden life along with my outer functional one. This was a huge energy-suck, and having no energy left for creativity and non-alcohol fun compounded the dominant role of alcohol in my life.
At just over 2 months sober, this is incredibly different now. I awaken thinking of what awesome things I can tackle this day- rather than how little I can do and still function well. I bounce out of bed- almost literally- rather than slowly dragging my feet to the floor. I have energy and enthusiasm - not all the time, but the majority of the time. My mind runs in fruitful circles around itself, devising new things to try and finding fun and satisfaction in things I'm already doing- even as simple as seeing a cardinal on a snowy tree out my kitchen window while washing dishes.
I have to admit that, to my surprise, this ability to spend time here and now, without all energy being sucked up by internal alcohol-related drama, is amazingly satisfying and nourishing.
So I have a new guideline for myself: If something feels dramatic, compelling in a soap-opera sort of way, or becomes an energy-suck type of focus? It's time for me to examine it very closely, and see what lies I may be telling myself about this event/situation/thoughts.
Since a lot of early sobriety involves dealing with pains and dysfunctions that we drank to escape, there is a lot of sitting-through-pain and dealing with distasteful reality and non-productive adaptations we've developed over time. Finding clues like: Examine the Dramas- seems to help me dig out those dark roots and mal-adaptive behaviours that I have probably been feeling/using since childhood.
I find I very much like these no-drama moments, and they reinforce my decision never to be a daily drinker, and over-user of alcohol again!
Thursday, January 2, 2014
Sober Day #65- Emotions and Fear
Alcohol numbs us- to our surroundings, our emotions, our fears. Most of us who turn to alcohol as a solution feel inadequate in some way, unequal to the challenges of our lives, afraid we can't 'handle' the emotions we'd feel if not numbed. And with sobriety, we can be flooded with the very emotions we have been trying to avoid. How to deal with this?
I'm discovering it's much simpler than it initially seems. You just sit still and allow yourself to feel. You notice how you are feeling. It's kind of like letting your tongue feel a sore tooth, at first. It feels strange, unaccustomed and possible dangerous. Keep feeling. Don't shut it off. Just sit with it. And after a bit, you find yourself thinking: well, this isn't that hard after all.
Even the really tricky emotions- jealousy, fear, hatred- they all dissipate over time. Especially when you keep reminding yourself, these are emotions occurring in my mind, they have no concrete reality of their own. Therefore, if I don't like them, I do have the power to change them.
One of this big benefits of this, besides lessening the pull of anesthetic alcohol, is that it also frees you to feel the positive emotions. (anesthesia lessens or shuts off all emotions, good and bad, happy and sad- it doesn't work selectively!). And those pleasant, joyful emotions-they also feed one's soul and lessen the attractiveness of alcohol as a solution.
Examples: Last night I sat on the sofa in my bedroom, reading before bed. One dog was curled up next to me, one was curled up at my feet, and the third was doing adorable calithenics on the bed. I took a moment to really enjoy the scene: Warm and cozy, soft and comfortable, great canine friends- and a good book. Contentment.
This morning, I opened the garage door to head off to work- and found snow. An inch or more. Sigh, another force trying to make me late for work. But then as I drove, I switched my focus. It was still dark. As I drove, the snowflakes caught in my headlights, and appeared to be coming toward me (like that old windows star screensaver). It was absolutely lovely: Enchantment.
Making that conscious shift to being truly present for the moment, noticing what is happening around me, finding the good, the amusing, the beautiful- these feelings feed that fearful place in my soul, and help bolster my resistance to that siren call of Wolfie, the King of Alcohol.
I'm discovering it's much simpler than it initially seems. You just sit still and allow yourself to feel. You notice how you are feeling. It's kind of like letting your tongue feel a sore tooth, at first. It feels strange, unaccustomed and possible dangerous. Keep feeling. Don't shut it off. Just sit with it. And after a bit, you find yourself thinking: well, this isn't that hard after all.
Even the really tricky emotions- jealousy, fear, hatred- they all dissipate over time. Especially when you keep reminding yourself, these are emotions occurring in my mind, they have no concrete reality of their own. Therefore, if I don't like them, I do have the power to change them.
One of this big benefits of this, besides lessening the pull of anesthetic alcohol, is that it also frees you to feel the positive emotions. (anesthesia lessens or shuts off all emotions, good and bad, happy and sad- it doesn't work selectively!). And those pleasant, joyful emotions-they also feed one's soul and lessen the attractiveness of alcohol as a solution.
Examples: Last night I sat on the sofa in my bedroom, reading before bed. One dog was curled up next to me, one was curled up at my feet, and the third was doing adorable calithenics on the bed. I took a moment to really enjoy the scene: Warm and cozy, soft and comfortable, great canine friends- and a good book. Contentment.
This morning, I opened the garage door to head off to work- and found snow. An inch or more. Sigh, another force trying to make me late for work. But then as I drove, I switched my focus. It was still dark. As I drove, the snowflakes caught in my headlights, and appeared to be coming toward me (like that old windows star screensaver). It was absolutely lovely: Enchantment.
Making that conscious shift to being truly present for the moment, noticing what is happening around me, finding the good, the amusing, the beautiful- these feelings feed that fearful place in my soul, and help bolster my resistance to that siren call of Wolfie, the King of Alcohol.
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Sober Day #64: Conversation
Me (to Mister): I was remembering years ago when I had surgery, and was in the hospital for 5 or 6 days afterward. I felt vaguely nauseated the whole time- from the pain medicine, I think. Specifically, I was remembering that woozy, spinning-head, not-quite-there feeling from the pain medicine.
Mister: So, what about it?
Me: I had this brief love-hate relationship with the pain medicine then- I loved it because it took away that searing acute pain, but I dreaded each dose because it made me feel like not-myself.
Mister: Oh?
Me: So, looking at it from the vantage point of 60+ days without alcohol, I see a resemblance between the Pain-Medicine-Not-Me feeling and how I feel after drinking alcohol. I wonder why I never noticed that before?
Mister: What do you mean?
Me: Drinking alcohol is that same sort of feeling: Each glass put me further and further from being my real self, and more and more into that dizzying, not-quite-real, separated feeling.
Mister: Really?
Me: Yeah. And I really don't like that feeling. I wonder why I never noticed that before about alcohol?
Mister: Because you were in pain, and alcohol brought you pain relief.
Me: Oh. Yeah.
Mister: So, what about it?
Me: I had this brief love-hate relationship with the pain medicine then- I loved it because it took away that searing acute pain, but I dreaded each dose because it made me feel like not-myself.
Mister: Oh?
Me: So, looking at it from the vantage point of 60+ days without alcohol, I see a resemblance between the Pain-Medicine-Not-Me feeling and how I feel after drinking alcohol. I wonder why I never noticed that before?
Mister: What do you mean?
Me: Drinking alcohol is that same sort of feeling: Each glass put me further and further from being my real self, and more and more into that dizzying, not-quite-real, separated feeling.
Mister: Really?
Me: Yeah. And I really don't like that feeling. I wonder why I never noticed that before about alcohol?
Mister: Because you were in pain, and alcohol brought you pain relief.
Me: Oh. Yeah.
Monday, December 30, 2013
Sober Day #62: A new approach to New Year's Eve!
I was just at the grocery store, watching at least every other person load up on alcohol. Surprisingly, I didn't feel sad, deprived or tempted. I more felt bemused- that it is a well-entrenched cultural meme that the end of one year and beginning of the next is celebrated with alcohol, usually excess alcohol. New Year's Eve sort of carries permission to go wild with booze. So much so that hotels offer party/overnight packages in anticipation of people being incapable of driving home safely after said party.
I never questioned this before- it was just what 'everyone' does. And now I am thinking about it, examining it for 'fit'. And it doesn't fit very well.
In the grocery store, it almost seemed to me that people were functioning in a trance, carrying out cultural/social dictates of how to celebrate. Equating (as I have done for so many years) alcohol with fun. As in 'Alcohol is required in order to have fun'.
And I am thinking: 'hmmm, that doesn't really seem to be true, after all'. And 'the start of a new year sounds like a great time for sober reflection'- on the successes and challenges of the year past, and the possibilities and surprises of the upcoming year.
So, this New Year's Eve, I will be trying out a new way of having fun. And I will awaken on the first morning of the new year feeling fabulous.
I never questioned this before- it was just what 'everyone' does. And now I am thinking about it, examining it for 'fit'. And it doesn't fit very well.
In the grocery store, it almost seemed to me that people were functioning in a trance, carrying out cultural/social dictates of how to celebrate. Equating (as I have done for so many years) alcohol with fun. As in 'Alcohol is required in order to have fun'.
And I am thinking: 'hmmm, that doesn't really seem to be true, after all'. And 'the start of a new year sounds like a great time for sober reflection'- on the successes and challenges of the year past, and the possibilities and surprises of the upcoming year.
So, this New Year's Eve, I will be trying out a new way of having fun. And I will awaken on the first morning of the new year feeling fabulous.
Monday, December 23, 2013
Sober Day #55- The Myth of Controlling Others
My entire family was together last night- Mister home from work in city 5 hours away, older daughter home from her town 8 hours away, local son and younger daughter here, as well as my mom and dad who live locally.
When the kids were little, I WAS in charge of everything- feeding everyone, washing them, dressing them, taking them here and there (and, of course loving them- which happens naturally and fills my heart with joy!!). And the Mister being a bit vague about time, my duties also included reminding him to get ready for X, be ready to leave for Y, etc.
There is one of my favorite e.e. cummings poems about Anyone Lived in a Pretty How Town, that included the line: "And down they forgot as up they grew". And I feel like that's what I've done with that Being-in-Charge, Being-Responsible-For bit. Forgotten, really, that I no longer have to Do-It-All.
It was very apparent to me yesterday as we all gathered for older daughters 21st Birthday.
Old Internal Voice: Gotta remind Older Daughter to be at the Restaurant on Time.
Sober Rational Voice: She is 21 today. She manages her own life just fine 8 hours away. She will either be at the restaurant on time, or there with be a good reason, like a flat tire, for her to be late. Trust her.
Old Internal Voice: Gotta remind Son to be at the Restaurant on Time.
Sober Rational Voice: He is 20 and there will be good food. Don't worry, he will be there!!
Old Internal Voice: Gotta go remind Mister to come in from working in the yard, change and be ready to go.
Sober Rational Voice: He manages his life just fine 5 hours away. I don't need to be his Minder any more. I will get myself ready, and let him know when I will be leaving. I can drive myself just fine, thank you, since I won't be drinking so driving home will not be a problem. The Restaurant is nearby- he can choose to come with me, or drive over a few minutes later on his own if that works better for him.
Final Result: I am resigning from being everyone's Minder!! 15 year old daughter obviously still needs more of a Mom presence, and I will do that as appropriate- AND allow her more room to grow in decision-making and responsibility. I will take care of myself, and provide support and assistance for my beloved family as appropriate- But I am no longer going to feel In Charge of Everything!! (which was, of course, an illusion anyway, lol)
And not being In Charge of Everything- well, that another thing NOT contributing to guilt, anxiety and the desire to drink alcohol for relief from that pressure. Hmmmmmm.
When the kids were little, I WAS in charge of everything- feeding everyone, washing them, dressing them, taking them here and there (and, of course loving them- which happens naturally and fills my heart with joy!!). And the Mister being a bit vague about time, my duties also included reminding him to get ready for X, be ready to leave for Y, etc.
There is one of my favorite e.e. cummings poems about Anyone Lived in a Pretty How Town, that included the line: "And down they forgot as up they grew". And I feel like that's what I've done with that Being-in-Charge, Being-Responsible-For bit. Forgotten, really, that I no longer have to Do-It-All.
It was very apparent to me yesterday as we all gathered for older daughters 21st Birthday.
Old Internal Voice: Gotta remind Older Daughter to be at the Restaurant on Time.
Sober Rational Voice: She is 21 today. She manages her own life just fine 8 hours away. She will either be at the restaurant on time, or there with be a good reason, like a flat tire, for her to be late. Trust her.
Old Internal Voice: Gotta remind Son to be at the Restaurant on Time.
Sober Rational Voice: He is 20 and there will be good food. Don't worry, he will be there!!
Old Internal Voice: Gotta go remind Mister to come in from working in the yard, change and be ready to go.
Sober Rational Voice: He manages his life just fine 5 hours away. I don't need to be his Minder any more. I will get myself ready, and let him know when I will be leaving. I can drive myself just fine, thank you, since I won't be drinking so driving home will not be a problem. The Restaurant is nearby- he can choose to come with me, or drive over a few minutes later on his own if that works better for him.
Final Result: I am resigning from being everyone's Minder!! 15 year old daughter obviously still needs more of a Mom presence, and I will do that as appropriate- AND allow her more room to grow in decision-making and responsibility. I will take care of myself, and provide support and assistance for my beloved family as appropriate- But I am no longer going to feel In Charge of Everything!! (which was, of course, an illusion anyway, lol)
And not being In Charge of Everything- well, that another thing NOT contributing to guilt, anxiety and the desire to drink alcohol for relief from that pressure. Hmmmmmm.
Saturday, December 21, 2013
Sober Day #53- The Other OFF Switch
Another wine-free Friday evening- this is getting to be a habit! I was asleep by 9:30 and had a delicious 8+ hours of sleep. Followed by a few hours at the gym this morning- yay!
We know that most of us who have alcohol-consumption problems have deficient OFF switches for saying NO to the 3rd, 4th, 5th, etc drink. But I'm thinking today about that other OFF switch, that seems much more possible for us to change than the first.
This is the OFF for the To-Do List, OFF for everything must be accomplished today, OFF for If I don't do everything faster and twice as well as my (sister, friend, mother, etc) I am a failure.
It's a softening that helps turn that switch off. A willingness to believe I am inherently a good and valuable person, regardless of exactly how much I accomplish today. And this is really important for me! Part of the reason I was so attracted to alcohol was how it allowed me to ignore that To Do Everything Now voice. It put cotton plugs in my ears, so that I could no longer hear it, and thus could relax.
Imagine my astonishment in discovering now that I- yeah, that would be me!- I hold the power to turn that Voice on and off. At 8 PM at night, I can say- OK, that's enough for today. Have some tea, write in your journal, read a fabulous book- then turn off the lights and enjoy your sleep.
Even at noon on a Saturday- I can shut off the Voice if I feel stressed and in need of rest. Even at work, I can shut off the home-family-life-related Voice, and just laser-focus on patient issues.
This is another Earth-Moving revelation for me! Shutting off the switch that controls that annoyingly helpful voice is not some magical power integral to alcohol. I had that power all along, but just misplaced it.
Glory Be!!!
We know that most of us who have alcohol-consumption problems have deficient OFF switches for saying NO to the 3rd, 4th, 5th, etc drink. But I'm thinking today about that other OFF switch, that seems much more possible for us to change than the first.
This is the OFF for the To-Do List, OFF for everything must be accomplished today, OFF for If I don't do everything faster and twice as well as my (sister, friend, mother, etc) I am a failure.
It's a softening that helps turn that switch off. A willingness to believe I am inherently a good and valuable person, regardless of exactly how much I accomplish today. And this is really important for me! Part of the reason I was so attracted to alcohol was how it allowed me to ignore that To Do Everything Now voice. It put cotton plugs in my ears, so that I could no longer hear it, and thus could relax.
Imagine my astonishment in discovering now that I- yeah, that would be me!- I hold the power to turn that Voice on and off. At 8 PM at night, I can say- OK, that's enough for today. Have some tea, write in your journal, read a fabulous book- then turn off the lights and enjoy your sleep.
Even at noon on a Saturday- I can shut off the Voice if I feel stressed and in need of rest. Even at work, I can shut off the home-family-life-related Voice, and just laser-focus on patient issues.
This is another Earth-Moving revelation for me! Shutting off the switch that controls that annoyingly helpful voice is not some magical power integral to alcohol. I had that power all along, but just misplaced it.
Glory Be!!!
Friday, December 20, 2013
Sober Day #52 Alcohol and Victims
I have recognized that my former worldview held a big chunk of 'Victim' in it. As in, the world is so hard, I can't manage it on my own, it asks too much of me, I don't deserve to feel so bad, I do deserve to feel better, in any way I can.
Yesterday I saw two patients back-to-back who really crystallized this for me (all recognizable details changed):
Both were women about 30 years old, with some medical issues but nothing disabling or affecting mobility. As far as I know, neither overuses alcohol or uses drugs.
The first spent the visit telling me why she was unable to take the medication she needed (she had the medication, this wasn't a money issue), how public services really needed to find her a new apartment, and why it was impossible for her to clean her apartment to help with her allergy symptoms. The second updated me on her medication progress, mentioned how challenging it had been to go back to school as an 'older' student, and how she was looking forward to taking her final licensing exam in January, so she could go to work in her chosen field.
I know nothing about their other-than-medical backgrounds, or their life in their families-of-origin. There are undoubtedly complexities and profundities at work here that I know nothing about. Nevertheless, there were deep differences in their approach to life.
I could see myself in both women. Like the second, I'm a do-er. I work hard at my profession, and at home with my family. I choose goals, go for them, and achieve them.
On the other hand, there is a part of me that whined: This is tooooo hard. I neeeeed relief. I caaaaan't do this. And this is the part that said: I deserve a (mental) vacation. Oh, Alcohol, glug, glug, glug. Oh, my, that is better. What world? What demands? Ahhhhhhh. All the way to oblivion.
I'm very clear on which patient I more admire, and which part of me I like more. Early sobriety has been, among other things, realizing: Wait, existing without alcohol isn't really all that bad. There's nothing here I can't handle. Wow, that's not really a big boogey man, after all, it's really quite manageable. And I AM strong, I CAN do this, Look at me!!!
Big, Crazy, Empowering Stuff!!!
Yesterday I saw two patients back-to-back who really crystallized this for me (all recognizable details changed):
Both were women about 30 years old, with some medical issues but nothing disabling or affecting mobility. As far as I know, neither overuses alcohol or uses drugs.
The first spent the visit telling me why she was unable to take the medication she needed (she had the medication, this wasn't a money issue), how public services really needed to find her a new apartment, and why it was impossible for her to clean her apartment to help with her allergy symptoms. The second updated me on her medication progress, mentioned how challenging it had been to go back to school as an 'older' student, and how she was looking forward to taking her final licensing exam in January, so she could go to work in her chosen field.
I know nothing about their other-than-medical backgrounds, or their life in their families-of-origin. There are undoubtedly complexities and profundities at work here that I know nothing about. Nevertheless, there were deep differences in their approach to life.
I could see myself in both women. Like the second, I'm a do-er. I work hard at my profession, and at home with my family. I choose goals, go for them, and achieve them.
On the other hand, there is a part of me that whined: This is tooooo hard. I neeeeed relief. I caaaaan't do this. And this is the part that said: I deserve a (mental) vacation. Oh, Alcohol, glug, glug, glug. Oh, my, that is better. What world? What demands? Ahhhhhhh. All the way to oblivion.
I'm very clear on which patient I more admire, and which part of me I like more. Early sobriety has been, among other things, realizing: Wait, existing without alcohol isn't really all that bad. There's nothing here I can't handle. Wow, that's not really a big boogey man, after all, it's really quite manageable. And I AM strong, I CAN do this, Look at me!!!
Big, Crazy, Empowering Stuff!!!
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
Sober Day #49- That Pesky OFF Switch!
49 days and holding. As in, putting one foot in front of the other, walking forward, day after day. It seems very strange not to be drinking this time of year, but not really unpleasant most of the time. I realize a lot of the occasions that seemed to inevitably include alcohol were mostly my personal expectations, not intrinsic characteristics of the events themselves.
One of the emails quoted on Belle's blog recently talked about alcohol making her feel like she was going to have fun soon- not that she ever got to the part about actually feeling the fun. For me, it is the anticipation of letting go, of stress, of expectations, of duties. Being able to go to that Fuzzy Place where I don't have to think about or listen to any of these. And for that first glass or two of wine, it might actually feel good, rewarding, happy.
But, ahhh, that lack of a OFF switch, that inability to say, Gee, I feel good, that's enough, thank you. That is where the damage came in for me.
Where did that defective OFF switch come from? Partly genetic, I think, and partly cultural promotion of the joys of alcohol consumption. Is it possible to acquire an OFF switch? Can one go from being an excessive drinker to a moderate drinker, defining moderate as the ability to have one or two drinks and feel satisfied, feel no urge to consume more alcohol?
That was my goal when I started examining my alcohol consumption- a glass or two of wine with dinner a few nights a week. My thoughts on that are shifting. I am beginning to believe that getting an OFF switch, actually learning moderate behaviour, will not be possible for me. Let me rephrase that: I know that I CAN, with focus, drink just one or two glasses of wine in an evening, and stop there. But it takes LOTS of energy, self-talk, will-power to make it happen. I CANNOT see a future where I will really drink one or two glasses of wine and not care if I have another glass or not.
On the other hand, whenever I tell myself I ABSOLUTELY CANNOT ever do something, it is like a dare to me to rebel. Redheads don't look good in red? Oh, yeah? Look at me in this scarlet dress! Adult women can't squat their own body weight? Oh yeah? Watch this!! You can never ever drink any alcohol again? Oh, yeah? Watch me head to the wine store.
I am definitely committed to doing these 100 days. But what will I do after that? I'm not sure. And I don't feel compelled to make a specific commitment now- I realize I am just barely half-way through the 100 days. So much has changed, become apparent, been different than I expected already- and I'm pretty sure the next 50 days will also bring more of these. But I'm just thinking...
One of the emails quoted on Belle's blog recently talked about alcohol making her feel like she was going to have fun soon- not that she ever got to the part about actually feeling the fun. For me, it is the anticipation of letting go, of stress, of expectations, of duties. Being able to go to that Fuzzy Place where I don't have to think about or listen to any of these. And for that first glass or two of wine, it might actually feel good, rewarding, happy.
But, ahhh, that lack of a OFF switch, that inability to say, Gee, I feel good, that's enough, thank you. That is where the damage came in for me.
Where did that defective OFF switch come from? Partly genetic, I think, and partly cultural promotion of the joys of alcohol consumption. Is it possible to acquire an OFF switch? Can one go from being an excessive drinker to a moderate drinker, defining moderate as the ability to have one or two drinks and feel satisfied, feel no urge to consume more alcohol?
That was my goal when I started examining my alcohol consumption- a glass or two of wine with dinner a few nights a week. My thoughts on that are shifting. I am beginning to believe that getting an OFF switch, actually learning moderate behaviour, will not be possible for me. Let me rephrase that: I know that I CAN, with focus, drink just one or two glasses of wine in an evening, and stop there. But it takes LOTS of energy, self-talk, will-power to make it happen. I CANNOT see a future where I will really drink one or two glasses of wine and not care if I have another glass or not.
On the other hand, whenever I tell myself I ABSOLUTELY CANNOT ever do something, it is like a dare to me to rebel. Redheads don't look good in red? Oh, yeah? Look at me in this scarlet dress! Adult women can't squat their own body weight? Oh yeah? Watch this!! You can never ever drink any alcohol again? Oh, yeah? Watch me head to the wine store.
I am definitely committed to doing these 100 days. But what will I do after that? I'm not sure. And I don't feel compelled to make a specific commitment now- I realize I am just barely half-way through the 100 days. So much has changed, become apparent, been different than I expected already- and I'm pretty sure the next 50 days will also bring more of these. But I'm just thinking...
Monday, December 16, 2013
Sober Day #48- Tomorrow is Another Day
I've always had an uneasy relationship with Time. As in, There is Never Enough, and My To-Do List won't Ever Fit, and It Is My Enemy and Once I Start Something, I Must Ignore Everything Else to Complete This One Task. The end result of this is that I would reach the day's end and feel very critical of myself- I might have completed one or two, possibly three tasks. But there were 5 zillion more on my list I hadn't even spend 5 minutes on. And Play-Time? Not even a background thought.
And this is changing. The change is something I have noticed, not something I've done deliberately.
I know my research lab has been most productive when we are managing multiple studies at once. We review them weekly, deciding to the Next Step and Who is Responsible (a la David Allen's Getting Things Done). When we get stymied or blocked on one study, there's always another we can push ahead with. I call this process Sheparding- as in trying to get a whole flock of projects progressing in the right direction- Some are always out ahead of the herd- and if some are falling behind, we need to run back and coax them up with the rest of the flock.
What I noticed first about time was that it wasn't feeling so urgent to me. That I could do an intensive half hour of one activity at home, then switch to another EVEN if the first wasn't completely finished. You may laugh, but this was a revolution for me!
Once I noticed this, it occurred to me that I could use the Sheparding process at home also: Looking at the constellation of all tasks (both chores and fun projects) as my herd (oops, stars and sheep, very mixed metaphors, sorry!), and push a bit on one, then a bit on another- and reach the end of the day feeling satisfied rather than critical- Thus eliminating, or at least modifying, another source adding to the heavy backpack filled with stress that led me straight to alcohol for relief.
As I was lying in bed last night, playing one last game of Candy Crush before turning off my light- I found myself thinking back over my days, feeling pretty satisfied with the work/play ratio. And instead of beginning to heap on the criticism for not completing more, I found that voice in the back of my head saying, with compassion and encouragement, Tomorrow is Another Day.
Two of yesterdays projects: Wrapping Presents and Trimming the Christmas Tree:
And this is changing. The change is something I have noticed, not something I've done deliberately.
I know my research lab has been most productive when we are managing multiple studies at once. We review them weekly, deciding to the Next Step and Who is Responsible (a la David Allen's Getting Things Done). When we get stymied or blocked on one study, there's always another we can push ahead with. I call this process Sheparding- as in trying to get a whole flock of projects progressing in the right direction- Some are always out ahead of the herd- and if some are falling behind, we need to run back and coax them up with the rest of the flock.
What I noticed first about time was that it wasn't feeling so urgent to me. That I could do an intensive half hour of one activity at home, then switch to another EVEN if the first wasn't completely finished. You may laugh, but this was a revolution for me!
Once I noticed this, it occurred to me that I could use the Sheparding process at home also: Looking at the constellation of all tasks (both chores and fun projects) as my herd (oops, stars and sheep, very mixed metaphors, sorry!), and push a bit on one, then a bit on another- and reach the end of the day feeling satisfied rather than critical- Thus eliminating, or at least modifying, another source adding to the heavy backpack filled with stress that led me straight to alcohol for relief.
As I was lying in bed last night, playing one last game of Candy Crush before turning off my light- I found myself thinking back over my days, feeling pretty satisfied with the work/play ratio. And instead of beginning to heap on the criticism for not completing more, I found that voice in the back of my head saying, with compassion and encouragement, Tomorrow is Another Day.
Two of yesterdays projects: Wrapping Presents and Trimming the Christmas Tree:
Thursday, December 12, 2013
Sober Day #44- Relaxing Those Standards
The upcoming weekend is the 4th of 4 in a row that I am traveling out of town. At least this weekend's trip is a lengthy drive, but not flights, as the others have been. Which means we can be a bit more casual about exact departure time and about stuffing things in the car rather than packing them so neatly in suitcases.
Three weekends and one more to come away from home has meant, rather obviously, that I've had less time for domestic chores- dishes, laundry, cleaning, cooking. I enjoy these duties most of the time, and enjoy having a tidy and clean home. But with just small bits of time at home on weekday evenings, I've been falling behind.
Last evening, I was feeling overburdened. I cancelled an evening engagement, and thought I'd catch up on a few of these things, and get some more Christmas decorating done. This didn't feel good. Even thinking about it made me feel tired and stressed- those same Poor Me feelings that in the past would lead directly to a bottle of wine.
Instead, I made a different decision. I made some comfort food, and spent the entire evening re-reading an old favorite novel. And then I went to bed early.
This morning: the dishes hadn't miraculously cleaned themselves. The load of wet wash was still in the washer, and the floor remained un-vacuumed. And it was OK. There was no lightning bolt from the heavens, condemning me as a slob or inadequate person.
The house may still be a bit of a mess when we set out tomorrow afternoon- meaning we would come home to a less-than-tidy home Sunday evening.
And that is OK too. I soothed myself last night. I took care of myself the way I would care for one of my kids if they were overwhelmed. And I feel FINE today!!
Three weekends and one more to come away from home has meant, rather obviously, that I've had less time for domestic chores- dishes, laundry, cleaning, cooking. I enjoy these duties most of the time, and enjoy having a tidy and clean home. But with just small bits of time at home on weekday evenings, I've been falling behind.
Last evening, I was feeling overburdened. I cancelled an evening engagement, and thought I'd catch up on a few of these things, and get some more Christmas decorating done. This didn't feel good. Even thinking about it made me feel tired and stressed- those same Poor Me feelings that in the past would lead directly to a bottle of wine.
Instead, I made a different decision. I made some comfort food, and spent the entire evening re-reading an old favorite novel. And then I went to bed early.
This morning: the dishes hadn't miraculously cleaned themselves. The load of wet wash was still in the washer, and the floor remained un-vacuumed. And it was OK. There was no lightning bolt from the heavens, condemning me as a slob or inadequate person.
The house may still be a bit of a mess when we set out tomorrow afternoon- meaning we would come home to a less-than-tidy home Sunday evening.
And that is OK too. I soothed myself last night. I took care of myself the way I would care for one of my kids if they were overwhelmed. And I feel FINE today!!
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Sober Day #43- Sober Bedtimes
For the first couple of weeks of this challenge, time in the evenings seemed so empty. About 4 PM, wine started calling to me. It felt like a physical effort to resist it- almost like there was an actual Wolf in the room with me, trying his smarmy best to have me join him in hoisting a celebratory drink. (What celebration? Well, uh, you know, this is Wednesday and, uh, um, oh, it snowed last night...always something!).
By the time I got to 7 PM, I felt like I'd been through 20-30 rounds in a boxing ring, with an opponent who out-weighed me by about a hundred pounds. I would tuck myself in bed by 8 PM because (a) I was exhausted and (b) at least in my sleep I wouldn't be thinking about alcohol.
Now, even though I'm only 6 weeks into abstinence, my evenings feel very different. It didn't take long for me to find all sorts of cool, enjoyable things to fill my evenings: Household projects, evening Pilates classes (I couldn't trust my driving to attend these while drinking), crossword puzzles, working on quilts, making glass beads, cooking, keeping up to date with professional literature, even playing Candy Crush...
Now I've swung to the other end of the pendulum- there is sooooo much I want to do, that I have trouble tearing myself away and going to bed. My total time in bed has been creeping downward again.
While drinking, I typically slept about 4 hours a night. In my first few weeksof the 100-Day-Challenge, it was regularly 8, 9, even 10 hours. Since I get up at 5:30, when I go to bed determines how much sleep I get. I think 8 hours is ideal for me, which means being in bed by 9:30- and I've been fighting to get myself into bed by 11 PM.
My new sleep challenge: Aim for being in bed by 9:30 most nights. Sleep is so important for resilience and good-decision-making- I need to remind myself that by leaving whatever fascinating thing I am doing and going to bed at my target time, I am equipping myself for better success in this sobriety project.
By the time I got to 7 PM, I felt like I'd been through 20-30 rounds in a boxing ring, with an opponent who out-weighed me by about a hundred pounds. I would tuck myself in bed by 8 PM because (a) I was exhausted and (b) at least in my sleep I wouldn't be thinking about alcohol.
Now, even though I'm only 6 weeks into abstinence, my evenings feel very different. It didn't take long for me to find all sorts of cool, enjoyable things to fill my evenings: Household projects, evening Pilates classes (I couldn't trust my driving to attend these while drinking), crossword puzzles, working on quilts, making glass beads, cooking, keeping up to date with professional literature, even playing Candy Crush...
Now I've swung to the other end of the pendulum- there is sooooo much I want to do, that I have trouble tearing myself away and going to bed. My total time in bed has been creeping downward again.
While drinking, I typically slept about 4 hours a night. In my first few weeksof the 100-Day-Challenge, it was regularly 8, 9, even 10 hours. Since I get up at 5:30, when I go to bed determines how much sleep I get. I think 8 hours is ideal for me, which means being in bed by 9:30- and I've been fighting to get myself into bed by 11 PM.
My new sleep challenge: Aim for being in bed by 9:30 most nights. Sleep is so important for resilience and good-decision-making- I need to remind myself that by leaving whatever fascinating thing I am doing and going to bed at my target time, I am equipping myself for better success in this sobriety project.
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
Sober Day #42: Cozy and Domestic- without Alcohol
More snow last night- it is so pretty- or, at least, it will be once it gets light! The dogs have been out and are snuffling around as I wipe the snow off their paws and get their breakfast ready.
I have a number of major house projects underway. The biggest is having two of the upstairs bathrooms redone. I am bracing for workmen (work people? Will there be any work-women?) to be in and out of the house for a few weeks.
But most of the projects are mine! Purchased furniture to assemble, baseboards to paint, paintings and mirrors to hang; rearrange this and that, switch out this carpet for that. This is all in anticipation of selling this house, probably 3-5 years from now. But every time we've sold a house, we've done major fix-up projects just before selling- and said to ourselves, gee, we really should have done these before, so we could have enjoyed them ourselves. So this is the Before!
Having these projects is very satisfying. I am enjoying the nesting, the cocooning. And I am specifically enjoying having sober time in the evenings to work on these things. In the Old Days (that is, more than 6 weeks ago, giggle), I would have intentions of working on something of an evening, and probably even get a preliminary step or two done while having my first glass or two of wine- before deciding that it was really too much trouble, I'd wait til tomorrow, and just curl up with this book or magazine.
This is a Big Benefit of Evening Sobriety: Working on various projects or artwork- and Finishing! And feeling so Satisfied!!
Wolfie has been staying away for a bit now- but I'm keeping my eye out for him. Husband's big Christmas Party is on Friday. With a new set of co-workers, none of whom I've met before. In the past this would be a Major Evening for Mr. Wolfie. I am determined that it will not be this time.
But I am not feeling sanguine. Yes, I could skip the event- but my sweetie is really eager for me to meet the people he works with. And since we are doing this Commuting Relationship thing these day- me working here, and him working a 5 hour drive away, in his own condo during the week- I feel that these events that reinforce our caring for each other are important. If I said, I Just Can't Do It- he would be supportive, but disappointed. And I'd rather not disappoint him. So I am working on a new, enhanced set of Anti-Wolfie Armor for that evening. (with my encouragement, he is following what I write on this blog. It's OK, Sweetie, I can do it!!)
I have a number of major house projects underway. The biggest is having two of the upstairs bathrooms redone. I am bracing for workmen (work people? Will there be any work-women?) to be in and out of the house for a few weeks.
But most of the projects are mine! Purchased furniture to assemble, baseboards to paint, paintings and mirrors to hang; rearrange this and that, switch out this carpet for that. This is all in anticipation of selling this house, probably 3-5 years from now. But every time we've sold a house, we've done major fix-up projects just before selling- and said to ourselves, gee, we really should have done these before, so we could have enjoyed them ourselves. So this is the Before!
Having these projects is very satisfying. I am enjoying the nesting, the cocooning. And I am specifically enjoying having sober time in the evenings to work on these things. In the Old Days (that is, more than 6 weeks ago, giggle), I would have intentions of working on something of an evening, and probably even get a preliminary step or two done while having my first glass or two of wine- before deciding that it was really too much trouble, I'd wait til tomorrow, and just curl up with this book or magazine.
This is a Big Benefit of Evening Sobriety: Working on various projects or artwork- and Finishing! And feeling so Satisfied!!
Wolfie has been staying away for a bit now- but I'm keeping my eye out for him. Husband's big Christmas Party is on Friday. With a new set of co-workers, none of whom I've met before. In the past this would be a Major Evening for Mr. Wolfie. I am determined that it will not be this time.
But I am not feeling sanguine. Yes, I could skip the event- but my sweetie is really eager for me to meet the people he works with. And since we are doing this Commuting Relationship thing these day- me working here, and him working a 5 hour drive away, in his own condo during the week- I feel that these events that reinforce our caring for each other are important. If I said, I Just Can't Do It- he would be supportive, but disappointed. And I'd rather not disappoint him. So I am working on a new, enhanced set of Anti-Wolfie Armor for that evening. (with my encouragement, he is following what I write on this blog. It's OK, Sweetie, I can do it!!)
Monday, December 9, 2013
Sober Day #41- It's becoming a routine.
That call of wine, even with all my recent traveling, has been getting softer and softer. I know it happens like a post-op course, the way I explain it to patients: It's not steadily a little better every single day! There are good days and not-so-good days, but the general trend it toward getting well. In the same way- I know from reading the very helpful posts on various sober blogs- that one can be progressing along, minimal problems with resisting wine- and suddenly, whammo, that Wolfie steps out from behind a tree, crooks his fingers, and hisses: "Come find happiness with me". So I am staying alert, and planning defense strategies for when that happens.
But for today, for me, all is calm.
Sunday, December 8, 2013
Sober Day #40- Disarming the Anxiety-Creators!!
I'm in Georgia- heading home today, I hope- if the ice and snow at home don't delaly/cancel flights!
I used to drink a lot at medical meetings - "everyone does"- or so I thought, until I looked at this meeting through no-wine eyes. When I noticed that very few people drank more than 1 or 2 drinks- and the ones who did more often tended to be reps from the medical device, etc, companies that were exhibiting there, not the docs. Another drinking myth/excuse shattered, lol!
I planned distractions for myself. I love colors- so I invested in a new box of 96!!!! crayons.
And a new drawing pad to go with them. I've entertained myself by watching for color combos and motifs that interested me, and recording them in my sketch book.
I wish there were a systematic, methodical way of hunting down and revamping all the false assumptions I/we have made: About ourselves, alcohol, how we deal with stress, how we fit into the rest of the world. But so far the only technique I've found to to pounce on an 'automatic' thought as it tries to disappear around the corner from consciousness. If I can do this, I can haul it back into the light, and examine it: Is it true? Does it serve me? Is it kind? Is there a better choice?
This morning the little tail I caught and dragged back into consciousness had to do with aging. I am 61. And there is a part of me that is apparently ashamed of this. That feels I have to hide my age, not as far as looks (which are pretty good, glad you asked, lol!)- but as far as function. If I am climbing stairs and someone behind me is climbing faster, I feel ashamed, defective, I should be able to keep up, to surpass. Now that I'm thinking, I guess it has more to do with physical performance than mental function (again, pretty good, thanks!).
Is it true? What? That I should be able to do anything and everything anyone else of any age and training can do? Obvious nonsense. We all come with different physical abilities, and our training choices then further differentiate us.
Does it serve me? Nope. It's pretty stupid. Who cares how fast I climb steps? Actually, the important point for me is that I am climbing them, not just always taking the elevator. This is something to feel good about, proud of.
Is it kind? No, it is rather mean. Why should I attack and degrade myself for anything, much less how fast I am climbing the stairs??
Is there a better way? Sure. Remind myself: People come in all sizes shapes and abilities. People have all sorts of priorities, some including fitness, and some not. You choose to emphasize fitness- and that's great. Compare yourself to what you do, how you are meeting your goals: Can you go that mile a bit faster than this time last year? Fabulous!! Can you now do a biceps curl with a little more weight, or hold that difficult yoga pose a few seconds longer? Good for you! These are accomplishments that are in line with the priorities you have set for yourself, which is what matters.
What does this have to do with drinking, or rather, non-drinking? I think it is, for me at least, the steady erosion of multiple critical trains of thought like this that add up to more and more anxiety. And anxiety and fear of not being enough, these are prime driver of drinking.
I hope catching and defanging enough of these rascals will facilitate sobriety!!
I used to drink a lot at medical meetings - "everyone does"- or so I thought, until I looked at this meeting through no-wine eyes. When I noticed that very few people drank more than 1 or 2 drinks- and the ones who did more often tended to be reps from the medical device, etc, companies that were exhibiting there, not the docs. Another drinking myth/excuse shattered, lol!
I planned distractions for myself. I love colors- so I invested in a new box of 96!!!! crayons.
I wish there were a systematic, methodical way of hunting down and revamping all the false assumptions I/we have made: About ourselves, alcohol, how we deal with stress, how we fit into the rest of the world. But so far the only technique I've found to to pounce on an 'automatic' thought as it tries to disappear around the corner from consciousness. If I can do this, I can haul it back into the light, and examine it: Is it true? Does it serve me? Is it kind? Is there a better choice?
This morning the little tail I caught and dragged back into consciousness had to do with aging. I am 61. And there is a part of me that is apparently ashamed of this. That feels I have to hide my age, not as far as looks (which are pretty good, glad you asked, lol!)- but as far as function. If I am climbing stairs and someone behind me is climbing faster, I feel ashamed, defective, I should be able to keep up, to surpass. Now that I'm thinking, I guess it has more to do with physical performance than mental function (again, pretty good, thanks!).
Is it true? What? That I should be able to do anything and everything anyone else of any age and training can do? Obvious nonsense. We all come with different physical abilities, and our training choices then further differentiate us.
Does it serve me? Nope. It's pretty stupid. Who cares how fast I climb steps? Actually, the important point for me is that I am climbing them, not just always taking the elevator. This is something to feel good about, proud of.
Is it kind? No, it is rather mean. Why should I attack and degrade myself for anything, much less how fast I am climbing the stairs??
Is there a better way? Sure. Remind myself: People come in all sizes shapes and abilities. People have all sorts of priorities, some including fitness, and some not. You choose to emphasize fitness- and that's great. Compare yourself to what you do, how you are meeting your goals: Can you go that mile a bit faster than this time last year? Fabulous!! Can you now do a biceps curl with a little more weight, or hold that difficult yoga pose a few seconds longer? Good for you! These are accomplishments that are in line with the priorities you have set for yourself, which is what matters.
What does this have to do with drinking, or rather, non-drinking? I think it is, for me at least, the steady erosion of multiple critical trains of thought like this that add up to more and more anxiety. And anxiety and fear of not being enough, these are prime driver of drinking.
I hope catching and defanging enough of these rascals will facilitate sobriety!!
Saturday, December 7, 2013
Sober Day #39- Alcohol Dream and What Really Matters
Last night I had my first dream- ever, as far as I can recall- that included alcohol. In the dream, I was at day #38 of this 100 day challenge. The dream seemed to be a bit mixed up with Thanksgiving, in that some house that my extended family was gathered in, I had to go downstairs (like to a lonely basement-type place) to prepare all the gravy. Down there, I found an airline-sized bottle of wine. I drank it surreptitiously while preparing the gravy. I gave me a little buzz that I enjoyed.
I chewed to chiclets of gum (do they even have these any more?) to mask any smell on my breath. Obviously, I did not want anyone else to know that I had had wine. Then I went back to join the other- and felt very conflicted. Interestingly, I did NOT feel like I wanted more wine. But I wasn't sure how to record this on my blog. To Lie? To admit such an untended slip? I was in the process of pondering this when I awoke.
I was soooooo relieved to realize that had been a dream, that I had not really broken my promise to myself. The profound intensity of this relief took me by surprise.
I kind of backed into this 100 day challenge, on a whim, without really planning to do it. And yet, as time goes on, it is becoming more and more important to me. And more and more illuminating to see clearly the many things I was avoiding, hiding from. And I become more and more interested in finding out who I really am.
What a surprise!
I chewed to chiclets of gum (do they even have these any more?) to mask any smell on my breath. Obviously, I did not want anyone else to know that I had had wine. Then I went back to join the other- and felt very conflicted. Interestingly, I did NOT feel like I wanted more wine. But I wasn't sure how to record this on my blog. To Lie? To admit such an untended slip? I was in the process of pondering this when I awoke.
I was soooooo relieved to realize that had been a dream, that I had not really broken my promise to myself. The profound intensity of this relief took me by surprise.
I kind of backed into this 100 day challenge, on a whim, without really planning to do it. And yet, as time goes on, it is becoming more and more important to me. And more and more illuminating to see clearly the many things I was avoiding, hiding from. And I become more and more interested in finding out who I really am.
What a surprise!
Friday, December 6, 2013
Sober Day #38- Travel & Kindness
Another flight today. No wine. It was OK.
I'm sitting at a resort outside Atlanta, temp nearly 80 degrees, sunny, looking out over a beautiful lake. And at home everything is at a standstill due to an ice storm.
Traveling alone can make me pensive. Today I've been thinking about what I was using alcohol to avoid, to mask. What parts of my best self do I find uncomfortable to acknowledge, to appreciate? Using a guideline for this trip of making self-care and sobriety my top priorty (screw anything that interferes with this!) is an interesting experience. I am appreciating myself, perhaps even cherishing and celebrating myself. This, I think, is something those of us who turn to excess amounts of alcohol do not do well.
What, I think, just what if, I treated myself like this all the time? With honor, tenderness and care? (as distinct from shirking necessary duties, turning into a lazy slob, or not doing anything productive!) I mean, just what if I believed it was true? That I am a good, kind, honorable being with a right to exist and a duty to be true to myself?
If I'd started from that place, I don't think alcohol would ever have seemed attractive? How do we learn to be so mean, so careless and hurtful to ourselves?
The good part, however, is that we can recognize and change this. This is a journey we are all on, and I am so grateful for this cyber-community the celebrates and reinforces this new world-view and self-view!!!
I'm sitting at a resort outside Atlanta, temp nearly 80 degrees, sunny, looking out over a beautiful lake. And at home everything is at a standstill due to an ice storm.
Traveling alone can make me pensive. Today I've been thinking about what I was using alcohol to avoid, to mask. What parts of my best self do I find uncomfortable to acknowledge, to appreciate? Using a guideline for this trip of making self-care and sobriety my top priorty (screw anything that interferes with this!) is an interesting experience. I am appreciating myself, perhaps even cherishing and celebrating myself. This, I think, is something those of us who turn to excess amounts of alcohol do not do well.
What, I think, just what if, I treated myself like this all the time? With honor, tenderness and care? (as distinct from shirking necessary duties, turning into a lazy slob, or not doing anything productive!) I mean, just what if I believed it was true? That I am a good, kind, honorable being with a right to exist and a duty to be true to myself?
If I'd started from that place, I don't think alcohol would ever have seemed attractive? How do we learn to be so mean, so careless and hurtful to ourselves?
The good part, however, is that we can recognize and change this. This is a journey we are all on, and I am so grateful for this cyber-community the celebrates and reinforces this new world-view and self-view!!!
Thursday, December 5, 2013
Sober Day #37- Time Crunches and Alcohol
Like many people, I've always had sort of an uneasy relationship with time. I have this Endless To-Do list, and seem to have an underlying magical hope that time will expand to accommodate my needs. When, strangely enough, this doesn't happen- I end up frustrated and mad at myself.
And, I am an introvert. At work, I function very well as an extrovert- but I definitely need time alone to recharge (as opposed to DH, who draws energy from parties and social functions). And especially 'making time'- quilts with my sewing machine, and glass beads using my torch and kiln. None of these items travel well.
I have been out of town for most of the past two weekends, and will be gone for the entire weekend the next two weekends. Since I really cherish my weekends at home, my 'nesting' and 'making' time- this is very hard for me. Time seems to shrink, giving me barely enough time for necessary activities of daily living- and packing, and unpacking, and packing...
Usually this kind of a time stack would have me grabbing and gulping glasses and glasses of wine the I 'deserved' because of the stressful situation. And then (serendipitously? Coincidentally?) I read Sober Mom Write's post yesterday. All about taking care of oneself, making life as stress-free as possible. Having only One Job: staying sober.
And my Poor-Me-I-Need-Wine status started to crumble. I started really thinking about what I could NOT do, what tasks and obligations I could put off, reassign to someone else (even if this meant paying them to do so) or just plain not do. And about how I might 'treat' myself, add in some things that feed my soul even with this hectic schedule. The specifics of these actions will obviously vary from person to person- and my list is growing steadily.
I'm not sure whether not reading Sober Mom Write's post would have led me to give in to that calling of wine, but I do know that reading this post had a profound impact on how I am planning my support for the next weeks.
Self Care, I guess, is a major component of successful abstinence!
And, I am an introvert. At work, I function very well as an extrovert- but I definitely need time alone to recharge (as opposed to DH, who draws energy from parties and social functions). And especially 'making time'- quilts with my sewing machine, and glass beads using my torch and kiln. None of these items travel well.
I have been out of town for most of the past two weekends, and will be gone for the entire weekend the next two weekends. Since I really cherish my weekends at home, my 'nesting' and 'making' time- this is very hard for me. Time seems to shrink, giving me barely enough time for necessary activities of daily living- and packing, and unpacking, and packing...
Usually this kind of a time stack would have me grabbing and gulping glasses and glasses of wine the I 'deserved' because of the stressful situation. And then (serendipitously? Coincidentally?) I read Sober Mom Write's post yesterday. All about taking care of oneself, making life as stress-free as possible. Having only One Job: staying sober.
And my Poor-Me-I-Need-Wine status started to crumble. I started really thinking about what I could NOT do, what tasks and obligations I could put off, reassign to someone else (even if this meant paying them to do so) or just plain not do. And about how I might 'treat' myself, add in some things that feed my soul even with this hectic schedule. The specifics of these actions will obviously vary from person to person- and my list is growing steadily.
I'm not sure whether not reading Sober Mom Write's post would have led me to give in to that calling of wine, but I do know that reading this post had a profound impact on how I am planning my support for the next weeks.
Self Care, I guess, is a major component of successful abstinence!
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
Sober Day #35- Sleep vs. The Attractiveness of Alcohol
Yesterday was the first time in a number of weeks that I felt a yearning for alcohol. Specifically, I wanted the rosy-hued lenses supplied by about 2 glasses of wine. I wanted that feeling of remembering all I had to do, all the commitments coming due- and not really caring. That feeling of being in a protected place where nothing bad could touch me, where nothing demanding really mattered.
WTF? I said to myself. Why now? What's going on here? I remain committed to doing these 100 days without alcohol, but found myself thinking longingly to Feb 2014 when the 100 days will be up- wouldn't a nice glass of dry sherry taste good, sitting by the fire and gazing at the snowy landscape outside? Mmmmmm.
And then I saw a possible connection. For most of my almost-5-weeks of abstinence, I've been sleeping a lot. Seven hours at a minimum- sometimes 9, once even 10 hours! This is in contrast to my former staying-up-late-having-one-more-glass-of-wine, with about 4 hours as my usual time in bed.
Sunday night I stayed up late finishing a fabulous book. It was after 1 AM when I got in bed, and I was up as usual at 5:30, meaning just a few minutes more than 4 hours of sleep. It was the first time since starting this challenge that I got so little sleep, and the first time since starting this challenge that alcohol seemed so attractive.
I am guessing there is a connection, that insufficient sleep decreases my psychic resilience, my ability to cope gracefully with daily life. Therefore leading to more stress (even though I didn't overtly feel more stressed than usual). And this, in turn, leading to feeling the need for relief in the form of alcohol.
Hmmmmmmm.
Perhaps a productive approach for me would be: When alcohol is calling to me louder than usual, look carefully for what sources of stress might be in play. And tackle the stressor directly, rather than seeking to quiet it temporarily with alcohol.
WTF? I said to myself. Why now? What's going on here? I remain committed to doing these 100 days without alcohol, but found myself thinking longingly to Feb 2014 when the 100 days will be up- wouldn't a nice glass of dry sherry taste good, sitting by the fire and gazing at the snowy landscape outside? Mmmmmm.
And then I saw a possible connection. For most of my almost-5-weeks of abstinence, I've been sleeping a lot. Seven hours at a minimum- sometimes 9, once even 10 hours! This is in contrast to my former staying-up-late-having-one-more-glass-of-wine, with about 4 hours as my usual time in bed.
Sunday night I stayed up late finishing a fabulous book. It was after 1 AM when I got in bed, and I was up as usual at 5:30, meaning just a few minutes more than 4 hours of sleep. It was the first time since starting this challenge that I got so little sleep, and the first time since starting this challenge that alcohol seemed so attractive.
I am guessing there is a connection, that insufficient sleep decreases my psychic resilience, my ability to cope gracefully with daily life. Therefore leading to more stress (even though I didn't overtly feel more stressed than usual). And this, in turn, leading to feeling the need for relief in the form of alcohol.
Hmmmmmmm.
Perhaps a productive approach for me would be: When alcohol is calling to me louder than usual, look carefully for what sources of stress might be in play. And tackle the stressor directly, rather than seeking to quiet it temporarily with alcohol.
Monday, December 2, 2013
Sober Day #34- Christmas, Autocorrect and 21st Birthday!!
Wow, I'm 1/3 of the way to finishing my initial 100-day challenge. It's hard for me to believe I could actually do this! Although now I feel pretty confident of being able to finish the full 100 days- even though those 100 days encompass holiday parties, Christmas and New Year's Eve. Phew!
The good thing about this time of year, though, is the vast number of satisfying activities that don't necessarily require alcohol. Trimming the tree? On my agenda for today! Finishing the match-making of friends and family with gifts they will love? 80% done! Enjoying wrapping the presents, beginning stuffing stockings? Next weekend, I think.
And great news! Older daughter, who lives about an 8 hours drive away, will be coming home later this month for a few days, and will be here to celebrate her 21st birthday with us! (She is a December 22nd baby). I texted her that Dad would take her out for a gin and tonic, but we'd stick to flavored seltzer water at home (she knows about and supports my participation in the 100 day challenge). But Autocorrect changed my text to "Gun and Tonic"- and she allowed as how Gin was more enticing to her than Gun, lol!! That app is full of giggles- yesterday it also changed 'septoplasty' to 'sextuplets'- a veritable comedian!!
And no wine in my life these days! It does get a little easier. But not Easy.
The good thing about this time of year, though, is the vast number of satisfying activities that don't necessarily require alcohol. Trimming the tree? On my agenda for today! Finishing the match-making of friends and family with gifts they will love? 80% done! Enjoying wrapping the presents, beginning stuffing stockings? Next weekend, I think.
And great news! Older daughter, who lives about an 8 hours drive away, will be coming home later this month for a few days, and will be here to celebrate her 21st birthday with us! (She is a December 22nd baby). I texted her that Dad would take her out for a gin and tonic, but we'd stick to flavored seltzer water at home (she knows about and supports my participation in the 100 day challenge). But Autocorrect changed my text to "Gun and Tonic"- and she allowed as how Gin was more enticing to her than Gun, lol!! That app is full of giggles- yesterday it also changed 'septoplasty' to 'sextuplets'- a veritable comedian!!
And no wine in my life these days! It does get a little easier. But not Easy.
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