Sober Day #88: Accepting Help!

In Chinese culture, the number 8 is considered very auspicious, and I have TWO of them today!  There must be something extra-special coming my way!

I am continuing to tackle demons-  that is, things, thoughts, habits, emotions that I suppressed or hid from with alcohol.  As so many have mentioned, simply (although it is by no means simple!!) stopping drinking does not solve all our problems.  Instead, it allows us to see, to become aware of, all the things we have been avoiding by trying to pickle them in alcohol.

Early sobriety is a very mixed experience.  There is the pride (Me!  I went another day without alcohol!  I can do this!), and we find ourselves staring right into the faces of the problems we drank to avoid.

The help of my therapist is invaluable for me in this process.  I could try to wade through all these issues on my own, and I would probably eventually come to resolution.  Happily my therapist has the knowledge, experience and insight to short-circuit some of what would be lengthy paths with a focused question or honed observation.  I love those Ah-Ha moments!  AA's 12 steps are another way to tackle processing these avoided-by-drinking issues.  Reading about others' experiences on these Sober Blogs is yet another way to gain critically-needed insights.

Stopping drinking is the first step, not the final one, to being my/your authentic self.  And none of us has to do this alone.  There are tools and processes that help.  There are many resources for learning these, ranging from in- or out-patient treatment, one-on-one counseling, 12-step and other group programs, reading books and Sober Blogs, etc.

At least some of these resources are available to each one of us.  Although many of us subscribe to the I Can Do It Myself school of life- Dumping that fiendish alcohol from our lives is not easy!!  Be bold in accepting help!!  This is the mark of a strong and determined person!!

Sober Day #55- The Myth of Controlling Others

My entire family was together last night-  Mister home from work in city 5 hours away, older daughter home from her town 8 hours away, local son and younger daughter here, as well as my mom and dad who live locally.

When the kids were little, I WAS in charge of everything-  feeding everyone, washing them, dressing them, taking them here and there (and, of course loving them- which happens naturally and fills my heart with joy!!).  And the Mister being a bit vague about time, my duties also included reminding him to get ready for X, be ready to leave for Y, etc.

There is one of my favorite e.e. cummings poems about Anyone Lived in a Pretty How Town, that included the line:  "And down they forgot as up they grew".   And I feel like that's what I've done with that Being-in-Charge, Being-Responsible-For bit.  Forgotten, really, that I no longer have to Do-It-All.

It was very apparent to me yesterday as we all gathered for older daughters 21st Birthday.

Old Internal Voice:  Gotta remind Older Daughter to be at the Restaurant on Time.
Sober Rational Voice:  She is 21 today. She manages her own life just fine 8 hours away.  She will either be at the restaurant on time, or there with be a good reason, like a flat tire, for her to be late. Trust her.

Old Internal Voice:  Gotta remind Son to be at the Restaurant on Time.
Sober Rational Voice:  He is 20 and there will be good food.  Don't worry, he will be there!!

Old Internal Voice:  Gotta go remind Mister to come in from working in the yard, change and be ready to go.
Sober Rational Voice:  He manages his life just fine 5 hours away.  I don't need to be his Minder any more.  I will get myself ready, and let him know when I will be leaving.  I can drive myself just fine, thank you, since I won't be drinking so driving home will not be a problem.  The Restaurant is nearby-  he can choose to come with me, or drive over a few minutes later on his own if that works better for him.

Final Result:  I am resigning from being everyone's Minder!!  15 year old daughter obviously still needs more of a Mom presence, and I will do that as appropriate-  AND allow her more room to grow in decision-making and responsibility.  I will take care of myself, and provide support and assistance for my beloved family as appropriate-  But I am no longer going to feel In Charge of Everything!!  (which was, of course, an illusion anyway, lol)

And not being In Charge of Everything- well, that another thing NOT contributing to guilt, anxiety and the desire to drink alcohol for relief from that pressure.  Hmmmmmm.

Sober Day #51- Settling into Sober (Neuroplasticity)

It's starting to all add up.  A night without wine is beginning to seem like the norm.  I think about my typical 'before' evenings-  coming home from work and immediately pouring a nice glass of cold crisp white wine.  My norm for so many years-  and yet, thinking about that now, I caught a thought flitting across my mind-  Why would I want to do that?  And I don't, really, most of the time now.

I think it has to do with laying down those new neuronal circuits, connections.  Remember the neuroscientists' maxim:  What fires together wires together?  Think of it in the context of piano practice:  The first time through a new piece, it is awkward and stumbling (for most of us, anyway, lol).  Each time through, our brains change a tiny bit, and the neurons directing each of the finger movements begin to lay down stronger and stronger connections between themselves.  Eventually, those connections are so strong that playing the piece seems automatic, like something you've known forever.  Professional pianists actually grow the part of the brain that controls finger movements to be larger than the normal person's.

So every night that I come home and do something other than pour a glass of wine, the connections between those non-alcohol-consuming activities becomes stronger.  The connection between 'coming home' and 'pour glass of wine' begin to wither, lose strength.  So now there is seldom that automatic thought:  home-wine.

When I was in medical school, they taught us that by early adulthood, the brain was set, finito, no longer capable of changes.  That this is NOT true is one of the most amazing bits of knowledge since then.  Our brains CAN change- a lot- and these changes can continue through our last breath.  This neuroplasticity- the ability of the brain to change, to be plastic- is amazing to contemplate for those of us who want to make major changes in our lives.  It IS possible, we CAN do it!!

I sometimes picture what is happening in my brain-  visualize little construction equipment paving the new roads I want to build, using little jack-hammers to remove the ones I want to change.  It is surprisingly satisfying!

Here's to each of us, building our new brains!!

Sober Day #30- Happy Thanksgiving!! The Visit

Last night a dear friend I hadn't seen in a while visited us in our rental house here in New Orleans.  Our typical evenings together are usually sharing wine while catching up on news.   I texted her about my 100 day challenge- expecting that she wouldn't drink when we got together.  Yet when I texted her yesterday about what she'd like to snack on, she replied:  white wine and I eat almost anything.

Well, I thought, I can handle this.  I asked DH if he would please buy a bottle of white wine, open and pour it for her, and handle pouring refills so I didn't have to handle the wine bottle at all.  And so he did.

Observation #1:  Friend is a devout Catholic.  She mentioned how another friend of hers was also doing a 100 day no-alcohol challenge- for a special novena or something (please forgive, I'm sure I have the religious terminology wrong).  And friend approached my challenge like it was no big deal, like it wouldn't be any harder for me than, say, giving up sweets for Lent.  And I actually found this very refreshing.  Since it was no big deal in her mind, it made it easier for me to say to myself:  This is no big deal, you are just choosing not to drink wine tonight.  It turned out to be very refreshing NOT to have a moral/judgmental component attached to my actions.

Observation #2:  I bought a big jigsaw puzzle for us to work on as we talked, as distraction for me.  This worked well.  And as we sat at the DR table doing the puzzle, I had the same great time I always have with her, complete with lots and lots of belly laughs.  I will admit we also had a ton of great food to nibble on, which helped me feel not-deprived (back to my usual low-carb eating after this week in New Orleans!!!).  And not-drinking was not nearly as hard as I feared it might be.

The things I keep learning about sobriety, they continue to surprise me!

Happy Thanksgiving and Many Blessing for the coming year!

Sober Day #26- Flying without Wine

I have always been a Fearful Flyer.  I would not get on a plane without at least one glass of wine in me, even if it was a 7 AM flight.  (Sometimes awkward, lol!)  International flights?  Glass after glass of wine until I fell asleep.  I guess I thought I would self-destruct without that cushion, that self-erected zone of I am Not Really Here.

Yesterday I got to the airport, and went through security.  My default after that is to head immediately to the closest bar.  And I did.  But I ordered iced tea and a salad.  When at the next airport between flights, I bought a diet coke and some cashews and nibbled on these while recharging my phone and reading the morning's WSJ which I'd brought along (hard to read newspapers on planes!!)

I got on the next flight, and arrived here in New Orleans.  And here I am!

How was it?  Almost painless.  I did stock up on a backpack full of magazines, and a few cross-word puzzles to distract myself.

Final Diagnosis:  I guess I must have long ago outgrown being a Fearful Flyer without realizing it.  Another revelation of this sobriety experiment. I keep finding out that I am Stronger than I thought.  In a lot of ways, excess use of wine seems to be an emotional crutch that I no longer need.  Wow!

Day #13- Almost Two Weeks!!!

Hurray- I've hit the Teens!  It might seem a might small number to people who've been working at this for a while, but it astonishes and amazes me.  I guess I thought I was just constitutionally unable to go nearly two weeks without any wine-  I don't know if I thought the universe would vaporize me, or if I'd self-implode, but going this long without wine certainly seemed very improbable.

What's different now?  It's funny- almost like I am slowing down and actually paying attention to the details of the world around me- nature, people, food, etc.  I think for very long I whizzed through everything else on my way to the evening's first glass of wine.  Only after that was inside me did I start to feel 'normal'.  The experiences I am learning to savor are more subtle, less intense-  but there to be appreciated when I slow down and pay attention.

What a revelation!