Sober Day #19- Why Procrasinate?

I've been thinking a lot about procrastination lately.  How, although I have a highly successful and accomplished professional life, procrastination permeates my daily life.  Until I set aside the rose-colored glasses that wine provides, I was not really aware of this.

I buy food for a recipe, and a week or so later throw out this food when it goes bad before I've made the recipe. I agree to review a manuscript, then don't start reading the manuscript until two days after the review was due.  I toss bills aside in a pile to pay 'later', and find them a month or two later when I get a notice my utilities will be turned off if I don't pay them immediately.

Why?!!  I think it is rebellion. As in 'You are not the boss of me'.  I can see how doing this undoubtedly contributes to that underlying angst, the constant feeling that something bad is about to happen.  This seemingly-free-floating anxiety is, of course, part of what enticed me to escape into alcohol.  Can you say:  duh?

I will have to think about how to disarm the knee-jerk procrastination reaction.

In the meantime, this is a lovely Sunday, and I will enjoy my well-rested, well-slept state this morning.

Day #13- Almost Two Weeks!!!

Hurray- I've hit the Teens!  It might seem a might small number to people who've been working at this for a while, but it astonishes and amazes me.  I guess I thought I was just constitutionally unable to go nearly two weeks without any wine-  I don't know if I thought the universe would vaporize me, or if I'd self-implode, but going this long without wine certainly seemed very improbable.

What's different now?  It's funny- almost like I am slowing down and actually paying attention to the details of the world around me- nature, people, food, etc.  I think for very long I whizzed through everything else on my way to the evening's first glass of wine.  Only after that was inside me did I start to feel 'normal'.  The experiences I am learning to savor are more subtle, less intense-  but there to be appreciated when I slow down and pay attention.

What a revelation!

Day #10: Carry On!

Wow!  Double digits!!  My next increase in # of digits will be hitting 3 digits at Day #100!

I decided my theme song for this challenge will be Carry On by Fun.

Chorus:

If you're lost and alone
Or you're sinking like a stone
Carry on
May your past be the sound
Of your feet upon the ground
Carry on

And I think this is what most of us beginning a sobriety journey are doing, from one day to the next, focusing on carrying on.

When I first heard this song, I thought it said:  May your PATH, not May your PAST.

Actually, my version makes more sense to me-  as in:  creating my own unique path with each footfall, not following any pre-ordained path.

Anyway, that's my theme song for the next 90 days!

Day #9- Ambivalence

I don't want to like this sober crap, but I do.  It's not too hard and I feel awesome- but in a funny sorta way, I don't want to.  I want to find it so hard that it is unsustainable.  I want to finish this hundred day challenge and say:  there, now that's done.  Now I can get on with my normal wine drinking.

Except I don't think I can.  I am one of those people for whom one glass of wine definitely means a second on.  And a second means I am even more eager for a third, et cetera, et cetera.

None of this means any firm decision about the role of wine in my future life.  Except for seeing out the total of 100 days of abstinence right now.  But I'm just sayin'- forever without wine does not seem very attractive :(