Sober Day #19- Why Procrasinate?

I've been thinking a lot about procrastination lately.  How, although I have a highly successful and accomplished professional life, procrastination permeates my daily life.  Until I set aside the rose-colored glasses that wine provides, I was not really aware of this.

I buy food for a recipe, and a week or so later throw out this food when it goes bad before I've made the recipe. I agree to review a manuscript, then don't start reading the manuscript until two days after the review was due.  I toss bills aside in a pile to pay 'later', and find them a month or two later when I get a notice my utilities will be turned off if I don't pay them immediately.

Why?!!  I think it is rebellion. As in 'You are not the boss of me'.  I can see how doing this undoubtedly contributes to that underlying angst, the constant feeling that something bad is about to happen.  This seemingly-free-floating anxiety is, of course, part of what enticed me to escape into alcohol.  Can you say:  duh?

I will have to think about how to disarm the knee-jerk procrastination reaction.

In the meantime, this is a lovely Sunday, and I will enjoy my well-rested, well-slept state this morning.

Day #16- The Blahs

Tonight I am feeling a bit blah- not major down or upset or anything, just a bit blah.  In the past I would have jumped away from feeling this feeling and into a bottle of wine.  I was so uncomfortable with any emotion, so scared of my emotions, that alcoholic 'anesthesia' was the only way I felt I could deal with them.

Tonight, I sat with this feeling.  I ate some dinner, finished up some paperwork, went to my Pilates class.  And sure enough, I am feeling more normal, more engaged with the world again.  The somewhat staggering realization for me:  Emotions ebb and flow, come and go.  I won't get stuck in an emotion, and the emotions won't hurt me.  They are what I am feeling, but they are not me.

This is a very different way of living for me.  I like it.