Sober Day #164: Sober and a Cold

I've had a cold for the past few days.  Not a really bad one.  Just some runny nose, a bit of a headache and a touch of bronchitis.

It's surprising me, how this feels.  My darling mother-in-law used to say, when she was feeling tired, "My get-up-and-go done got up and went".  Horrible grammar, I know, but that's how this cold feels to me.  It puts kind of a thick grey blanket over my usual energetic enthusiasm for life.

I was thinking about this yesterday. I notice that use of words in talking to myself:  energetic, enthusiasm.  Whoa, I thought, I'm using those words to describe my usual life.  When did that happen?  I thought my normal was when most of regular life seemed grey, and the only brightly-colored moments came when drinking wine.  When I didn't feel really normal until I had the first glass or two of wine in me.

But, yes, this has changed.  No wine is becoming my new normal, and has brought with it all sorts of energy for standard everyday life.  I'm beginning to see the glory in a pink sunrise, to appreciate the dazzling beauty of the daffodils.  I'm beginning to think creatively about the next phase of my life, as sweet husband and I approach the age of starting to think about retirement.

Even with a cold, without alcohol, I can stay in the moment now.  I can acknowledge that this cold has sapped some of my usual energy.  But instead of using alcohol to avoid even feeling this grey-ness,  I can feel it.  Feel the greyness.  I can treat myself kindly:  have a nice bath, dear.  Let's get into bed early this evening, sweetie.  These house projects you were planning to tackle?  Let them wait til next week, when your energy levels will be back to normal.

Who knew that even having a cold could be a teacher about embracing my feelings and treating myself kindly?  That it could be a teacher about appreciating my usual enthusiasm and energy?  That it could teach me that even the not-so-fabulous times are do-able without wine- without falling into deep terror or sadness or other emotion I imagine I couldn't 'handle'.

It's all a grand adventure!

Sober Day #160- Alcohol, Time Zones and Jet Lag

Home again!  And what a very fun trip.  The journey home was smooth except for an agonizing 2.5 hours in various lines at US Customs in Toronto- but even that didn't drive me to drink!  

In the past, travel- and fear of flying- was always an excuse for copious wine consumption.  This time I had none.  

I think a lot of the factors and experiences I'd assigned to 'Jet Lag' actually seem to be drinking-related instead.  We arrived home at 11 PM local time on Saturday.  I was up and energetic for my 9 AM pilates class on Sunday, in bed by 10 last night, and up at 6 AM this morning- almost back to my normal 5- 5:30 AM getting-up time.  Without agony.  Feeling fully back in this time zone and ready to resume my normal schedule.  

This is very different from how I felt after a long-haul flight when I thought I needed wine- and lots of it- to cope with fear of flying.  Then I would get home, sleep fitfully, and awaken feeling draggy and out-of-sorts.  It would typically take me  a week or so to feel fully transferred to the new time zone, as far as my internal clock was concerned.  Coming home whether traveling east or west, was the worst, because it was just back to routine, without the novelty of being in a new or different place to entertain me.  

Hmmmm.  It appears (although I probably need to do LOTS of exotic travel to check out this theory, lol) that not drinking actually makes the mechanics of shifting time zones easier- what a revelation!

Sober Day #149- Alcohol and Kindness

I was in a bookstore yesterday, doing one of my favorite things- taking my time, browsing through all the different sections, looking for new sparks of interest or things to think about.  I bought one really fabulous book Why Olga Runs: about an amateur track and field runner, etc,-  which might seem less than fascinating until you realize she is 91 YEARS OLD-  a new hero for me.

I always look through the alcohol/addiction section.  What struck me yesterday was seeing several books on using kindness to help those trapped in unhealthy relationships with alcohol.    This flies in the face of the typical staged interventions with ultimatums, and the tough love concepts.  But it makes much more sense to me!

When I was drinking, nagging me about it would only make me put up more and thicker defensive walls:  Don't bother me.  Go away.  Leave me alone.  After a number of abortive attempts to moderate my drinking (techniques we are all familiar with:  only two drinks tomorrow night!  No more than one bottle of wine!  Drink only on weekends!)  I was finally again in a mood to change how I drank. 

This might have ended as all previous moderations had ended- resuming where I left off- had I not found Belle's blog.  And then Mrs. D.'s.  Belle's emphasis on treats (yes, imagine that, treating myself kindly rather than repeatedly bashing myself for being an inadequate person!) and Mrs. D.'s matter-of-fact pleasures of socializing without the protection/stimulus of booze-  these were eye-openers!

Suddenly, I could switch to seeing myself as a good person with an addiction problem to solve, rather than a low-life stupid slacker.  And what a huge difference this makes!!

And so here I am at nearly 5 months without any alcohol, observing, noticing and pondering how my life is changing and shifting, always focusing on today, leaving the big question of 'forever?', out there in the future.  And for today, that is fine.

 

Sober Day #120- Boredom and Abstinence

For the past week or so, I've been feeling just a wee bit bored.  Bored with the effort of abstinence, bored with life in general.

Perhaps it is the gloomy winter weather, the lack of sun, the seemingly-perpetual cold?  But I think I also hear the voice of Wolfie:

(soft whisper) "Now you've proven you can do it!  Nearly 4 months without alcohol.  But that means you have control, you don't have to keep doing this-  go on, grab a bottle and settle down to an evening of real relaxation."

(more insistent) "You know what?  This is getting really old.  At first, it was a fab accomplishment, each day seemed like a new discovery- but can you say booooooring?"

(louder still)  "This isn't going to work forever, you know.  Go ahead and have a glass of wine when your friends are.  That glass of club soda with lime looks so stupid."

And yet:  I have made a commitment to myself for 2014 to be without alcohol.  And I am physically feeling awesome.  In a few weeks, I will be traveling to New Orleans again, and then on to a meeting in Las Vegas- there will be more sunshine there.

I think that voice above is not a true voice, not a helpful voice.  I went to bed quite early last night to shut it up.  Perhaps I need a new pair of shoes today.  I've been craving a pair of navy blue patent leather pointy-toed flats.  A web search for the perfect pair would be a nice project/reward for later today.

I might have to go to bed really early again tonight.

Sober Day #116: Willpower and alcohol

Just do it?

Easy for Nike to say!  Whoops, no, that's about exercise.  Just say no?  Oh, that was Nancy Reagan.  Just set down the bottle, stupid!  Oh, if only it were that easy!!

Those of us who've had problems with excess alcohol consumption know there is a constant inner battle between:  Today I won't have any wine, and:  OMG, I can't live through the rest of this day without wine.

Here's a simplistic example:  Suppose you love chocolate chip cookies, and there is a platter of delectable ones sitting next to you.

Scenario A:
      Situation:  You put no mental restraints on your eating patterns.
      Result:  You eat or don't eat a cookie, and there is no mental stress attached with either.

Scenario B:
      Situation:  You have told yourself No Sweets Today.  But they look so good.  You eat two.
      Result:   Immediate gratification, but after about 5 minutes, you start beating up on yourself for not keeping your agreement.  This may or may not lead to eating the rest of the platter.

Situation C:
      Situation:  You have told yourself No Sweets Today.  You sit there trying to ignore the call of the cookies.  After about 30 minutes, you can't stand the temptation any more, so you (a) put them down the garbage disposal (b) give them to the neighborhood children, or other.
     Result:  You've exercised a lot of will-power and you've won!  You feel tired but triumphant.

Here's the really crazy part!  Suppose you then serve people from each group a large bowl of their favorite flavor of ice cream.  Studies show that after an exercise like this, people from Group C usually eat far more of the ice cream than Groups A or B.

WhaaaaT?  Aren't these the people who just showed how well they could use their willpower in the Cookie part of the exercise?  How could this happen?

It turns out that Willpower is in finite supply in most of us.  You can't just endlessly count on using willpower to change a deeply in-grained habit.  The habit will win a significant amount of the time.  That's why we need a whole deep bag of strategies for helping us change our alcohol consumption.

(now we are veering into my personal opinion, rather that scientific studies).  I think that is what's so brilliant about Belle's idea of frequent small and large rewards.  In my experience, a pleasant reward sort of resets my willpower supply.  For example, suppose I've had a stressful day at work.  I arrive home, and regret that I've decided not to indulge in my old habit of a large glass of crisp white wine.  I know I've decided not to drink today, and I resist the urge-  but I feel a bit cheated, put-upon.

Then, however, I remember my rewards system, and have a large piece of my favorite chocolate cake, or indulge in alone-time in a luxurious bubble bath.  Suddenly, I feel taken-care-of, reset, ready to tackle the rest of the evening without that pouty/resentful feeling/look on my face.

If you dropped by my house, say, an hour later, with a bottle of my favorite wine to share-  by then, I'd be ready and able to say:  No, thanks, not today.  Would you like to try some of the fabulous iced tea I just made?

Sober Day #111- Changes on my Radar Screen

I'm finding that with longer sobriety (I'm working on month #4 now) my personal radar screen is changing.  There are multiple things about my home, avocations and work that simply did not register when I was drinking.  My MO then was do whatever is needed to 'keep the ship afloat'- ie, satisfactorily complete the tasks absolutely required for keeping an even keel to my life, and ignore everything else.

WRT the house, this was probably compounded by having a live-in Nanny/Housekeeper until just 2 years ago.  When she was ready to retire, we decided that with our youngest being 13, we were ready to go solo.  This remained more of a 'holding things together' approach, though, rather than anything deliberate or proactive.  Crises were taken care of as they arose.

Over the past few months, I've begun realizing that there may actually be another way of doing things.  For example- over the weekend, two of the smoke detectors were doing their very annoying shrill beeping to let me know they needed new batteries.  Frustrated, I looked for batteries or another way to make them shut up.  Then the thought struck- Wait, these were new when the house was built, almost 15 years ago.  I know technology has improved!  Sure enough, Amazon had dual-type smoke detectors capable of raising a warning about both a fast flash fire and a slow smoldering fire.  I walked through the house counting smoke detectors and ordered a dozen of those suckers.  And I will have a handyman install them when they arrive.

Fist pump into the air, I am proactively improving our home safety!

And last night, I was cooking.  I was annoyed that my favorite knife was so dull, and unhappy at the way the electric knife sharpener I'd purchased was performing.  How frustrating!  Then, wait a minute, there are people who sharpen knives for a living.  I had a little discovery quest with Mr. Google, and found a business quite nearby.  This morning after working out, I took them my knives and scissors.  Now not only do I have 6 very sharp knives- they also sharpened my fabric shears, AND honed the blade so that the broken off tip (Son trying to use it as a screwdriver) no longer shows.  Wow!!

Another fist pump!  I love chopping vegetables, etc, when I have a very sharp knife.  This will really help with my Back-to-Eating-Low-Carb project.

I'm considering putting together a household calendar, with such things as: twice yearly take knives to be sharpened, get gutters cleaned, etc., etc.

While drinking wine most evenings, these are problems/tasks that never even appeared on my radar screen. I suppose you could say, see, sobriety is just giving you more To-Do jobs.  But that is not how it feels.  It feels as though I am getting out ahead, planning my life, investing a little time now to save major time or problems later-  and I am very satisfied!

Sober Day #90: Neuroplasticity and Alcohol, Again

I went to a small, last minute dinner gathering last night.  A kind friend who knows about me doing the 100 day challenge brought (non-alcoholic) ginger beer for me.  As I sat sipping it, she later asked me discretely if it was difficult for me, gesturing to the wine glasses the others were drinking from.  I answered, "Oh, no!"-  and really meant it.  It did not bother me to see others drinking wine at the table, or even to smell the wine.  (Of course they were drinking red, and my personal demon is more of a white wine kinda guy, lol!).

Thinking about it this morning, I am astounded that it really was not hard.  What a transformation in my experience!  Four months ago, if you'd mentioned someone doing what I did, I would have pictured them taking deep breaths, chewing on their fingernails and generally being miserable.  Ha!

So once again I am learning;  Not only about the great neuroplasticity of human brains, but also how quickly some of these changes can take place.  How very encouraging for the next set, and the next, of changes I am intending to explore!

Sober Days #83 and #84- Tolerance, Acceptance and Resilience!

This sober blogging community-  we are amazing!  I have been aware of Sober Blogs and reading (and writing) them now for about 3 months.  The power of this group astonishes me!

I have read many blogs detailing not-quite-making it.  A one night deviation from a plan of abstinence, or a several year dive back into alcohol.  Some just go quiet during these time.  Others, the very bravest, post the details of these very difficult experiences.   And are received with kindness, acceptance, acknowledgment of how any of us have been there, could be there, will be there again, disappointing ourselves in our struggle with that most seductive of false friends, alcohol.  There is always encouragement, support and suggestions for new strategies.

And the resilience we show here!  Those who fail in their abstinence plans, and start again, once or a thousand times.  What is braver, more determined, stronger, than someone who fails, and tries again, fails and tries again.  This takes a very special kind of courage, to face not-doing what you intended, and coming back for another pass, for as long as it takes.  It takes a very special kind of self-acceptance, forgiveness and gut-wrenching determination.

And that's just those of us who are working on this out loud- er, in semi-public writing via blogs or comments.  We also include the vast numbers of lurkers, who draw strength, education and a knowledge of not-being-alone from reading and thinking, without feeling the need to write.

Nobody planned this.  No one said, Gee, everyone who struggles with alcohol, listen up!  Let's all write blogs about our experiences.  Nope.  This community is like the best of off-line, in 3D life communities, a spontaneous evolution of people with a common challenge-  letting alcohol become a bigger part of their lives than they like-  finding and helping each other.

I am so glad this community exists.  Without the support and education I've found here, I don't think I would have been motivated to tackle 100 days without alcohol.  I know I will experiment with drinking alcohol again, after I finish these 100 days.  I know I will be honest here about my experiences.  And I know that whatever role alcohol takes in my future-  Whether I decide I am a never-ever person, or a glass of wine 3 times a year person, or one who vacillates back and forth from over-use to abstinence, back and forth-   I know y'all will be here, learning from my experiences, and helping me bring into focus how alcohol fits, if at all, into me continuing to be my most authentic self.

Thank you!!!

Sober Days #81 and #82: Anticipation vs. Reality

I made the decision to embark on 100 days without alcohol at the end of October last year.  I tried many ways to talk myself out of it.  The anticipation:  Can I possibly do family Thanksgiving without alcohol?  Or, OMG, Christmas and all the parties that precede it?  Oh, and then there's New Year's Eve-  without alcohol, without even a glass of champagne?  A travesty!!

And then some tentative part of me said:  Well, Carrie-   If you can carry this off, through all these holidays, you will know that you are truly divorced from needing alcohol.  If you can do this, you can handle any event or crisis without needing alcohol.  Go for it, babe!!

Belle had mentioned something about the anticipation of an event without alcohol often being far worse than the actual event, and I kept that in mind.

I'm not gonna lie-  there were some terrifically difficult moments.  When a glass of crisp white wine would have felt like the greatest!  But the less I thought about what I was missing, and the more I focused on my 'Here and Now'- the better it was.  When the regrets began to feel overwhelming, I used my Focus Tactic:  Sitting down, pulling into myself, and Noticing all that was around me:  The crackling fire, the murmur of multiple conversations, the smell of roast turkey in the air, the cool bubbly-ness of the club soda I was drinking, the fresh scent of the lime slice I had in the glass.

And, lo, it was not as miserable as I'd been anticipating.  When I added the lower-than-expected misery quotient to the pride I felt in my success-  It really was not too bad an experience at all.

I thought I couldn't fly without having a glass or two of wine before getting on the plane.  I was very nervous anticipating my first flight without alcohol, about 3 weeks into this 100 day challenge.  I was prepared for, anticipating a tooth-clenching, shaky and sweaty flight.  I treated myself to a new glossy magazine and boarded the flight.  I mentally got a firm grip on the arm-rests, and we took off.  When the drinks cart came by, I asked for a diet coke.  An hour and a half later, we landed. Whoa, I said to myself.  That was fast.  And I realized I was no longer a nervous flier.  How many years had I been self-medicating before flying-   for what turned out to be a no-longer-active problem.

Another anticipation far worse than the reality.  So now when I notice I am fearful/nervous in anticipation of a future event-  I give myself a mental shake (picture one of my dogs coming in from the rain) and remind myself:  Carrie, wait and see.  Don't spend energy anticipating- just commit to the experience.

Carrie's New Event Anticipation Motto: "Cowards die many times before their deaths.  The valiant never taste of death but once".     Shakespeare's Julius Caesar

Sober Day #76 - Why We Drink?

Here's what I found in my email this morning;

When we run from our feelings, they follow us. Everywhere.

It's from Martha Beck, in a daily email inspiration thing I signed up for.  (um, for which I signed up?  or Up for which I signed?  nevermind!)

This quote is from a piece she wrote about Learn to Avoid Avoidance.  And that is definitely what I and so many of us are working on.  I feared that I was unable to deal with my feelings, that they were too strong, that they would overwhelm me...  so I ran straight to my anesthesia of choice, wine.

Unfortunately, the wine-escape didn't destroy, soften or process these feelings-  it just masked them for a while-  but they were right back again the next day, worse than ever.   Running from my feelings like this didn't provide any permanent solution, it just delayed my coping and made things worse (think of un-felt emotions as being like compound interest, growing heavier and more insistent day-by-unfelt-day!)

In South Beach, I think my driver for thinking about alcohol was more habit:  If I am in a beautiful tropical spot and having fun, it should also involve alcohol for maximum fun.

So  here is why I drank excessively:  Fear,  Avoidance, Fear, Habit, Fear.  These are not really very good reasons, are they?

No more running from emotions.  Turn and face those little fuckers, this is my new motto!

Sober Day #75- Pushing Back against Habit

Yesterday I realized how embedded drinking is in my Meeting/Vacation mode.  I thought more about wine yesterday than I have in the last couple of weeks all put together.  Everyplace my glance landed, people were drinking alcohol.  By the pool, on the beach, at all the sidewalk cafes, at a raucous gay bar spilling out onto the street- Yow!

But the architecture:  Look at this neighboring Art Deco hotel.

Don't you just love the font of the sign?  And the secondary pattern the shadow of the railing makes on the stairs?  (And no, the photo may be tipsy, but I was not!)

But will all that temptation, I did not drink.  Why not? I asked myself this morning.  Where did I find the strength to push back against habit and environment and desire?

And my answer came down to:  I won't be ruled by any person or thing.  I will NOT dive into alcohol again as a compulsion, or as an escape, or as a need.  I am a very stubborn determined person, and I am now choosing not to give away my personal power to a substance.  

How did I come to be so dependent on alcohol in the past?  I can't explain this, except as formerly not knowing I could sit with negative emotions, and they too would pass.  BUT, I can make different choices for the future.  

And that is what I am doing, each time that thought crosses my mind:  Wouldn't a nice cold glass of wine taste/feel really good right now?  And I answer myself:  Remember, sweetie, we are not having wine today.  Oh, yeah, that's right, the other part replies.  

This is very hard, right now, and requires huge expenditures of energy-  but I am trusting it will become quieter and easier.

Home to the cold and the snow today :(

Sober Days #72, #73 and #74. Feeding the Soul instead of Quieting it with Alcohol

I am at a business meeting in South Beach (Miami).  This is another place awash in alcohol.  And I've been OK.

Walking down Ocean Drive last night was entertaining.  There are a zillion restaurants and bars- all well inhabited with exuberant crowds.  Lots of alcohol was flowing.  Mr. and a friend and I ate at one of the quieter places, a seafood restaurant.  Mister had his two glasses of red wine, and friend and I sipped club sodas with lime. (Friend is having a mostly non-drinking 2014 for ideological reasons, not "no off switch" problems like I have, but it was still companionable not to be the only person at our small table not-drinking).

When I first started this 100 day challenge, I asked Mister not to drink when we were in restaurants together, and he was kind enough to agree.  A few weeks ago I told him I didn't need that support any more- and I don't.

Despite all the alcohol flowing here, there are two things (besides getting to spend some awesome down-time with Mister) that feed that always-hungry part of my soul- that I used to quiet with alcohol.  

#1= Women in my field are a minority of practitioners.  There are many I have known for 20+ years as well as some younger ones I've gotten to know more recently.  I realize they are a kind of 'family' for me, although we are geographically far-flung around the US.  I have decided to be more active in maintaining my contacts with them rather than just meeting up randomly at conferences.  They are delightful, inspiring and living-life-fully people whom I really enjoy!

#2 = South Beach is a hotbed of Art Deco architecture- so much so that the variant here actually has its own name, Tropical Deco.    And Art Deco is my Very Favorite style.  This afternoon after meetings Mister and I plan a long long walk around the Art Deco neighborhoods, a Deco-Photo-Safari!  Besides making glass beads, one of my other artistic outlets is making wonderful modern quilts-  sort of a hybrid between what Grandma used to make and abstract modernism.  I have always meant to try working in a series of quilts- so now I am going to do it.  I will pick out half a dozen or so of my very favorite buildings, and design building-inspired quilts incorporating colors, motifs, etc, from each building in its corresponding quilt. And another hearty form of Soul Food for me.

This morning I am feeling "Who needs alcohol anyway?"-ish.  It was harder last night when the host or hostess of each restaurant was accosting us with "Half Price Drinks!"  "It's Happy Hour all night here!", and I was hungry.  But I did it without alcohol, had a good time, and had an awesome night's sleep (which would not have happened after drinking alcohol).

Each night without alcohol makes me a little stronger at Saying No for the next.