I've had a cold for the past few days. Not a really bad one. Just some runny nose, a bit of a headache and a touch of bronchitis.
It's surprising me, how this feels. My darling mother-in-law used to say, when she was feeling tired, "My get-up-and-go done got up and went". Horrible grammar, I know, but that's how this cold feels to me. It puts kind of a thick grey blanket over my usual energetic enthusiasm for life.
I was thinking about this yesterday. I notice that use of words in talking to myself: energetic, enthusiasm. Whoa, I thought, I'm using those words to describe my usual life. When did that happen? I thought my normal was when most of regular life seemed grey, and the only brightly-colored moments came when drinking wine. When I didn't feel really normal until I had the first glass or two of wine in me.
But, yes, this has changed. No wine is becoming my new normal, and has brought with it all sorts of energy for standard everyday life. I'm beginning to see the glory in a pink sunrise, to appreciate the dazzling beauty of the daffodils. I'm beginning to think creatively about the next phase of my life, as sweet husband and I approach the age of starting to think about retirement.
Even with a cold, without alcohol, I can stay in the moment now. I can acknowledge that this cold has sapped some of my usual energy. But instead of using alcohol to avoid even feeling this grey-ness, I can feel it. Feel the greyness. I can treat myself kindly: have a nice bath, dear. Let's get into bed early this evening, sweetie. These house projects you were planning to tackle? Let them wait til next week, when your energy levels will be back to normal.
Who knew that even having a cold could be a teacher about embracing my feelings and treating myself kindly? That it could be a teacher about appreciating my usual enthusiasm and energy? That it could teach me that even the not-so-fabulous times are do-able without wine- without falling into deep terror or sadness or other emotion I imagine I couldn't 'handle'.
It's all a grand adventure!
Showing posts with label abstinence. Show all posts
Showing posts with label abstinence. Show all posts
Friday, April 11, 2014
Monday, April 7, 2014
Sober Day #160- Alcohol, Time Zones and Jet Lag
Home again! And what a very fun trip. The journey home was smooth except for an agonizing 2.5 hours in various lines at US Customs in Toronto- but even that didn't drive me to drink!
In the past, travel- and fear of flying- was always an excuse for copious wine consumption. This time I had none.
I think a lot of the factors and experiences I'd assigned to 'Jet Lag' actually seem to be drinking-related instead. We arrived home at 11 PM local time on Saturday. I was up and energetic for my 9 AM pilates class on Sunday, in bed by 10 last night, and up at 6 AM this morning- almost back to my normal 5- 5:30 AM getting-up time. Without agony. Feeling fully back in this time zone and ready to resume my normal schedule.
This is very different from how I felt after a long-haul flight when I thought I needed wine- and lots of it- to cope with fear of flying. Then I would get home, sleep fitfully, and awaken feeling draggy and out-of-sorts. It would typically take me a week or so to feel fully transferred to the new time zone, as far as my internal clock was concerned. Coming home whether traveling east or west, was the worst, because it was just back to routine, without the novelty of being in a new or different place to entertain me.
Hmmmm. It appears (although I probably need to do LOTS of exotic travel to check out this theory, lol) that not drinking actually makes the mechanics of shifting time zones easier- what a revelation!
Friday, April 4, 2014
Sober Day #157: Oxford without Wine
Oxford is an amazing city. We have been walking and walking, craning our necks to see building details, reading from our guides about the history of this building or that. To use a worn cliche, it is like walking through history! And it is so interesting to see this with the flow of students, the blue or green hair, the outrageous costumes, just the vibrancy and energy of all the kids.
Every third storefront, it seems, is a pub. Yet even the pubs are interesting, even when one it not drinking. The architectural details, the people, the menu items, the decor. It is not as hard as I expected not to drink. (That goodness for diet coke- a habit which I plan to give up eventually, but have decided definitely NOT to tackle during 2014 since I have committed to no alcohol this year).
This is the view from our hotel window:
I have been sitting here, just looking one-by-one at each of the individual elements of the designs, sketching and photographing various elements that will undoubtedly show up in my glass beads and quilt designs. I know the resolution on this photo isn't great- but if you look at the doorway just above the red van, and just over that, flanking the smaller window- there are two life-sized statues, which are amazing.
Why am I mentioning all this in a Sober Blog? Because in my prior way of traveling, involving lots of glasses of wine, I might not have seen, really seen these details at all. I certainly wouldn't have had to patience to sketch design details. And while I might have flirted with maybe someday perhaps making something incorporating these elements, it would never have happened. And now it will.
And I really really like that! I like noticing and appreciating details around me. This feeds the part of me that used to feel starved, and that starvation is another thing that pushed me toward craving the numbness of alcohol. I like knowing I will make more wonderful things. And some month soon, when I am feeling really centered, I will tell y'all the URL of my other main website, which is all about the things I make.
Every third storefront, it seems, is a pub. Yet even the pubs are interesting, even when one it not drinking. The architectural details, the people, the menu items, the decor. It is not as hard as I expected not to drink. (That goodness for diet coke- a habit which I plan to give up eventually, but have decided definitely NOT to tackle during 2014 since I have committed to no alcohol this year).
This is the view from our hotel window:
I have been sitting here, just looking one-by-one at each of the individual elements of the designs, sketching and photographing various elements that will undoubtedly show up in my glass beads and quilt designs. I know the resolution on this photo isn't great- but if you look at the doorway just above the red van, and just over that, flanking the smaller window- there are two life-sized statues, which are amazing.
Why am I mentioning all this in a Sober Blog? Because in my prior way of traveling, involving lots of glasses of wine, I might not have seen, really seen these details at all. I certainly wouldn't have had to patience to sketch design details. And while I might have flirted with maybe someday perhaps making something incorporating these elements, it would never have happened. And now it will.
And I really really like that! I like noticing and appreciating details around me. This feeds the part of me that used to feel starved, and that starvation is another thing that pushed me toward craving the numbness of alcohol. I like knowing I will make more wonderful things. And some month soon, when I am feeling really centered, I will tell y'all the URL of my other main website, which is all about the things I make.
Thursday, April 3, 2014
Sober Day #156: So Much Alcohol
I did an experiment yesterday. I consciously looked for all mention of alcohol around me- billboards, newspapers, magazine, websites... This is in the UK, but the prevalence of alcohol references is pretty much the same at home in the US.
It is absolutely everywhere! Partial list:
(1) In my email, a Social Living offer for a Mixology Course
(2) A flyer for a dinner featuring a different wine with each course
(3) Large billboards each advertising a different whiskey, gin, etc
(4) Article in a woman's magazine about 'Stocking your Bar'.
(5) Pubs, of course, with lists of alcohol far longer than the food offerings
(6) Newspaper ads for various alcohols, and an article about specific Merlots
(7) TV and magazine ads for various things- cars, travel, clothing or jewelry- showing a glamorous woman/man/couple with champagne/wine glasses as part of the setting
There was nothing else that was mentioned or shown so often and so lovingly. Not cars, not food, not sports, not boats or high-end housing. There seemed an assumption that alcohol is necessary for a normal social life.
On one level, it makes me think: What is there about today's society that makes so many feel a need for a socially-sanctioned escape from it?
On another level, I think: perhaps those with a 'normal' relationship with alcohol (ie, those who have an appropriate OFF button) simply ignore these, and it is only my unhealthy relationship with alcohol that makes me notice these?
And on the most important level, I almost feel thankful for these constant reminders of what I am choosing to change. Each mention I see/hear makes that first thought across my mind: That sounds lovely, I'd like some of that. And then the counterpoint: Wow! No, I really don't think I want to do that, at least not right now. It doesn't seem fun right now to give away part of my life, part of my consciousness, to a substance.
And there is the constant dilemma for most of us: How can something that logically makes no sense, none at all, still seem attractive and alluring?
Bottom line: Alcohol is pervasive in our society. Those of us with no OFF switch are therefore continually reminded of our false friend, alcohol, and must continually re-think: Yes or No? Shall I or shan't I? The bummer of this is constantly having to flex the "No, not today, thank you" muscle. But the good side is that all this flexing of the muscle makes it stronger and stronger, and it becomes a bit easier each time to say "No" the next.
I went to a dinner with a large group of husband's colleagues last night. Wine was being poured around the table by the server. There was mineral water on the table. I filled my wine glass with mineral water, said "neither, thank you" the first time I was asked "red or white?"- and the server with wine simply skipped me each time after that when she rounded the table. It was simple, non-dramatic, I'm not even sure if those seated on either side of me noticed, and nobody mentioned it. Easy as pie. Which continues to surprise me.
No wine here yesterday, none planned for today!
It is absolutely everywhere! Partial list:
(1) In my email, a Social Living offer for a Mixology Course
(2) A flyer for a dinner featuring a different wine with each course
(3) Large billboards each advertising a different whiskey, gin, etc
(4) Article in a woman's magazine about 'Stocking your Bar'.
(5) Pubs, of course, with lists of alcohol far longer than the food offerings
(6) Newspaper ads for various alcohols, and an article about specific Merlots
(7) TV and magazine ads for various things- cars, travel, clothing or jewelry- showing a glamorous woman/man/couple with champagne/wine glasses as part of the setting
There was nothing else that was mentioned or shown so often and so lovingly. Not cars, not food, not sports, not boats or high-end housing. There seemed an assumption that alcohol is necessary for a normal social life.
On one level, it makes me think: What is there about today's society that makes so many feel a need for a socially-sanctioned escape from it?
On another level, I think: perhaps those with a 'normal' relationship with alcohol (ie, those who have an appropriate OFF button) simply ignore these, and it is only my unhealthy relationship with alcohol that makes me notice these?
And on the most important level, I almost feel thankful for these constant reminders of what I am choosing to change. Each mention I see/hear makes that first thought across my mind: That sounds lovely, I'd like some of that. And then the counterpoint: Wow! No, I really don't think I want to do that, at least not right now. It doesn't seem fun right now to give away part of my life, part of my consciousness, to a substance.
And there is the constant dilemma for most of us: How can something that logically makes no sense, none at all, still seem attractive and alluring?
Bottom line: Alcohol is pervasive in our society. Those of us with no OFF switch are therefore continually reminded of our false friend, alcohol, and must continually re-think: Yes or No? Shall I or shan't I? The bummer of this is constantly having to flex the "No, not today, thank you" muscle. But the good side is that all this flexing of the muscle makes it stronger and stronger, and it becomes a bit easier each time to say "No" the next.
I went to a dinner with a large group of husband's colleagues last night. Wine was being poured around the table by the server. There was mineral water on the table. I filled my wine glass with mineral water, said "neither, thank you" the first time I was asked "red or white?"- and the server with wine simply skipped me each time after that when she rounded the table. It was simple, non-dramatic, I'm not even sure if those seated on either side of me noticed, and nobody mentioned it. Easy as pie. Which continues to surprise me.
No wine here yesterday, none planned for today!
Friday, March 21, 2014
Sober Day #143- Saying No to Cravings
Smartphone games are a supreme waste of time. Except when they aren't!
All of us have had the experience of craving something. And most of us currently experience or vividly remember that craving for wine or some other mind-altering substance. For myself, I remember the sight of a lovely crystal wineglass, with tiny sedate beads of moisture on the outside from the delicious chilled white wine I'd just poured into it. And I can imagine that first taste, a little tart, cold, slightly bubbly, ricocheting around my mouth. I can almost taste and feel it.
And that would be how another evening of drinking too much wine would begin- when I could no longer resist the call of that vision, that craving.
There've been some studies of food craving showing that interrupting that visual image with a different one, especially one that requires concentration and physical movements, can decrease cravings. Ta-Dah! Enter the smartphone or computer game.
A recent study** actually used the videogame Tetris to study naturally-occurring cravings in male undergrad students. After the students clarified what they were craving, they were divided into two groups. Group 1 played Tetris on computer for 3 minutes, and Group 2 got the same start, but their computers 'stalled' while loading the computer game. There was significantly more decrease in craving in the game-playing group. The theory is that the new visual images from engaging in the game partially supplant the craving images, and markedly decrease their intensity and thus their allure.
The authors conclude: "In conclusion, we have shown that playing Tetris for a brief period is sufficient to reduce naturally occurring cravings that participants were already experiencing when they entered the laboratory. "
It seems to me that most smartphone games that require even a bit of strategy thinking could fulfill the same purpose. (Hello, Candy Crush!). Maybe this is another reliable tool to add to our Sober Toolboxes?
**Skorka-Brown J, Andrade J, May J. Playing 'Tetris' reduces the strength, frequency and vividness of naturally occurring cravings. Appetite. 2014; 76:161-165
All of us have had the experience of craving something. And most of us currently experience or vividly remember that craving for wine or some other mind-altering substance. For myself, I remember the sight of a lovely crystal wineglass, with tiny sedate beads of moisture on the outside from the delicious chilled white wine I'd just poured into it. And I can imagine that first taste, a little tart, cold, slightly bubbly, ricocheting around my mouth. I can almost taste and feel it.
And that would be how another evening of drinking too much wine would begin- when I could no longer resist the call of that vision, that craving.
There've been some studies of food craving showing that interrupting that visual image with a different one, especially one that requires concentration and physical movements, can decrease cravings. Ta-Dah! Enter the smartphone or computer game.
A recent study** actually used the videogame Tetris to study naturally-occurring cravings in male undergrad students. After the students clarified what they were craving, they were divided into two groups. Group 1 played Tetris on computer for 3 minutes, and Group 2 got the same start, but their computers 'stalled' while loading the computer game. There was significantly more decrease in craving in the game-playing group. The theory is that the new visual images from engaging in the game partially supplant the craving images, and markedly decrease their intensity and thus their allure.
The authors conclude: "In conclusion, we have shown that playing Tetris for a brief period is sufficient to reduce naturally occurring cravings that participants were already experiencing when they entered the laboratory. "
It seems to me that most smartphone games that require even a bit of strategy thinking could fulfill the same purpose. (Hello, Candy Crush!). Maybe this is another reliable tool to add to our Sober Toolboxes?
**Skorka-Brown J, Andrade J, May J. Playing 'Tetris' reduces the strength, frequency and vividness of naturally occurring cravings. Appetite. 2014; 76:161-165
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
Sober Day #126: Making My Bed
With sobriety, I began again to notice the world around me. To see, observe, think about it. And to let my thinking about other people change, evolve.
I notice that nobody but me cares about whether our bed is made in the morning. Oh, I think, nobody cares. I don't have to make the bed. And then I notice that I like it when the bed is made. I like walking into our bedroom and seeing it look so tidy, so welcoming. Gosh, I think, this looks as good as a hotel or a magazine ad.
And I decide to make the bed most mornings, for ME. This task, this one minute or so of making the bed, shifts. It is no longer something I do because I should or because it is what one does. Or because my man wants this, expects this, or so I think. He really doesn't care much. Making my bed becomes something I do for me, and enjoy for me- and is no longer a burden in my mind, ripe for my resentment at All I Have To Do.
What freedom!
I notice that nobody but me cares about whether our bed is made in the morning. Oh, I think, nobody cares. I don't have to make the bed. And then I notice that I like it when the bed is made. I like walking into our bedroom and seeing it look so tidy, so welcoming. Gosh, I think, this looks as good as a hotel or a magazine ad.
And I decide to make the bed most mornings, for ME. This task, this one minute or so of making the bed, shifts. It is no longer something I do because I should or because it is what one does. Or because my man wants this, expects this, or so I think. He really doesn't care much. Making my bed becomes something I do for me, and enjoy for me- and is no longer a burden in my mind, ripe for my resentment at All I Have To Do.
What freedom!
Monday, March 3, 2014
Sober Day #125: Marriage/Partnerships and Sobriety
I have been married a long time. My husband has known me since I was a college freshman, not even considering medical school, not intending to get married for a long long time, planning on never having children. We got married about 6 months after we met, I've been a surgeon for many years, and our three children are 16 (F), 20 (M) and 21 (F).
This was also before I'd ever had more than a sip or 2 or wine or beer from someone else's glass. Gradually, over time, he's seen me spiral deeper and deeper into a bit more, then another glass, well, maybe another, heck, yeah, I'll have one more. And our relationship has changed to accommodate this. He's remained a two glasses of red wine most evenings drinker.
The fact that he works about 5 hours away, and stays there a lot of the time brings a sharper focus to the changes in our relationship. The recent very snowy/icy weather has meant difficult roads for this 5 hour drive, so this was the first weekend he's been home in a month.
Just before he got home, I had dreams 2 nights in a row about marrying him. All with a twist- like in one, I was wearing a wedding dress I'd designed, with multiple very bright graphic green and yellow prints! I think this was all about, almost literally, entering into a new marriage.
When he called to surprise me that he'd be home on Friday, rather than Saturday as planned, my first reaction? Disappointment. What? Well, I had my Friday evening planned, they've sort of become routine. A food treat (I eat very low carb most of the time), some new magazines or a new novel, and very early to bed before a 3-hour workout (I know, I know, but it's a one hour pilates class, a one hour barre class and an hour of weight-lifting with my trainer, so it's not really over-achieving, lol) on Saturday mornings. And now I'd have to change that.
Hmmm, I said to myself. Really? I mean, really? Why, just why, do you think you have to change what you plan to do because he is home? Um, because. Because, because, Well, I'm not really sure why. I decided to stick to my plan for the evening and proceed, with a strong commitment to being authentic. And it turned out, he was wondering if I'd mind him going to meet up with some old friends/colleagues for a beer. I had my treats, and when he returned home about 9 PM, I said, wanna go to bed early with me? And so that worked out fine!
And the weekend proceeded like that, me initially thinking I'd have to modify the works-for-me-sober weekend activities I've developed, and then finding they meshed quite well with his plans- and also finding that both of us could be quite flexible to accommodate what the other was wanting.
Our relationship has always been good, but this is a whole new level, a whole new marriage, and I am liking it very much!
This was also before I'd ever had more than a sip or 2 or wine or beer from someone else's glass. Gradually, over time, he's seen me spiral deeper and deeper into a bit more, then another glass, well, maybe another, heck, yeah, I'll have one more. And our relationship has changed to accommodate this. He's remained a two glasses of red wine most evenings drinker.
The fact that he works about 5 hours away, and stays there a lot of the time brings a sharper focus to the changes in our relationship. The recent very snowy/icy weather has meant difficult roads for this 5 hour drive, so this was the first weekend he's been home in a month.
Just before he got home, I had dreams 2 nights in a row about marrying him. All with a twist- like in one, I was wearing a wedding dress I'd designed, with multiple very bright graphic green and yellow prints! I think this was all about, almost literally, entering into a new marriage.
When he called to surprise me that he'd be home on Friday, rather than Saturday as planned, my first reaction? Disappointment. What? Well, I had my Friday evening planned, they've sort of become routine. A food treat (I eat very low carb most of the time), some new magazines or a new novel, and very early to bed before a 3-hour workout (I know, I know, but it's a one hour pilates class, a one hour barre class and an hour of weight-lifting with my trainer, so it's not really over-achieving, lol) on Saturday mornings. And now I'd have to change that.
Hmmm, I said to myself. Really? I mean, really? Why, just why, do you think you have to change what you plan to do because he is home? Um, because. Because, because, Well, I'm not really sure why. I decided to stick to my plan for the evening and proceed, with a strong commitment to being authentic. And it turned out, he was wondering if I'd mind him going to meet up with some old friends/colleagues for a beer. I had my treats, and when he returned home about 9 PM, I said, wanna go to bed early with me? And so that worked out fine!
And the weekend proceeded like that, me initially thinking I'd have to modify the works-for-me-sober weekend activities I've developed, and then finding they meshed quite well with his plans- and also finding that both of us could be quite flexible to accommodate what the other was wanting.
Our relationship has always been good, but this is a whole new level, a whole new marriage, and I am liking it very much!
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
Sober Day #120- Boredom and Abstinence
For the past week or so, I've been feeling just a wee bit bored. Bored with the effort of abstinence, bored with life in general.
Perhaps it is the gloomy winter weather, the lack of sun, the seemingly-perpetual cold? But I think I also hear the voice of Wolfie:
(soft whisper) "Now you've proven you can do it! Nearly 4 months without alcohol. But that means you have control, you don't have to keep doing this- go on, grab a bottle and settle down to an evening of real relaxation."
(more insistent) "You know what? This is getting really old. At first, it was a fab accomplishment, each day seemed like a new discovery- but can you say booooooring?"
(louder still) "This isn't going to work forever, you know. Go ahead and have a glass of wine when your friends are. That glass of club soda with lime looks so stupid."
And yet: I have made a commitment to myself for 2014 to be without alcohol. And I am physically feeling awesome. In a few weeks, I will be traveling to New Orleans again, and then on to a meeting in Las Vegas- there will be more sunshine there.
I think that voice above is not a true voice, not a helpful voice. I went to bed quite early last night to shut it up. Perhaps I need a new pair of shoes today. I've been craving a pair of navy blue patent leather pointy-toed flats. A web search for the perfect pair would be a nice project/reward for later today.
I might have to go to bed really early again tonight.
Perhaps it is the gloomy winter weather, the lack of sun, the seemingly-perpetual cold? But I think I also hear the voice of Wolfie:
(soft whisper) "Now you've proven you can do it! Nearly 4 months without alcohol. But that means you have control, you don't have to keep doing this- go on, grab a bottle and settle down to an evening of real relaxation."
(more insistent) "You know what? This is getting really old. At first, it was a fab accomplishment, each day seemed like a new discovery- but can you say booooooring?"
(louder still) "This isn't going to work forever, you know. Go ahead and have a glass of wine when your friends are. That glass of club soda with lime looks so stupid."
And yet: I have made a commitment to myself for 2014 to be without alcohol. And I am physically feeling awesome. In a few weeks, I will be traveling to New Orleans again, and then on to a meeting in Las Vegas- there will be more sunshine there.
I think that voice above is not a true voice, not a helpful voice. I went to bed quite early last night to shut it up. Perhaps I need a new pair of shoes today. I've been craving a pair of navy blue patent leather pointy-toed flats. A web search for the perfect pair would be a nice project/reward for later today.
I might have to go to bed really early again tonight.
Saturday, February 22, 2014
Sober Day #116: Willpower and alcohol
Just do it?
Easy for Nike to say! Whoops, no, that's about exercise. Just say no? Oh, that was Nancy Reagan. Just set down the bottle, stupid! Oh, if only it were that easy!!
Those of us who've had problems with excess alcohol consumption know there is a constant inner battle between: Today I won't have any wine, and: OMG, I can't live through the rest of this day without wine.
Here's a simplistic example: Suppose you love chocolate chip cookies, and there is a platter of delectable ones sitting next to you.
Scenario A:
Situation: You put no mental restraints on your eating patterns.
Result: You eat or don't eat a cookie, and there is no mental stress attached with either.
Scenario B:
Situation: You have told yourself No Sweets Today. But they look so good. You eat two.
Result: Immediate gratification, but after about 5 minutes, you start beating up on yourself for not keeping your agreement. This may or may not lead to eating the rest of the platter.
Situation C:
Situation: You have told yourself No Sweets Today. You sit there trying to ignore the call of the cookies. After about 30 minutes, you can't stand the temptation any more, so you (a) put them down the garbage disposal (b) give them to the neighborhood children, or other.
Result: You've exercised a lot of will-power and you've won! You feel tired but triumphant.
Here's the really crazy part! Suppose you then serve people from each group a large bowl of their favorite flavor of ice cream. Studies show that after an exercise like this, people from Group C usually eat far more of the ice cream than Groups A or B.
WhaaaaT? Aren't these the people who just showed how well they could use their willpower in the Cookie part of the exercise? How could this happen?
It turns out that Willpower is in finite supply in most of us. You can't just endlessly count on using willpower to change a deeply in-grained habit. The habit will win a significant amount of the time. That's why we need a whole deep bag of strategies for helping us change our alcohol consumption.
(now we are veering into my personal opinion, rather that scientific studies). I think that is what's so brilliant about Belle's idea of frequent small and large rewards. In my experience, a pleasant reward sort of resets my willpower supply. For example, suppose I've had a stressful day at work. I arrive home, and regret that I've decided not to indulge in my old habit of a large glass of crisp white wine. I know I've decided not to drink today, and I resist the urge- but I feel a bit cheated, put-upon.
Then, however, I remember my rewards system, and have a large piece of my favorite chocolate cake, or indulge in alone-time in a luxurious bubble bath. Suddenly, I feel taken-care-of, reset, ready to tackle the rest of the evening without that pouty/resentful feeling/look on my face.
If you dropped by my house, say, an hour later, with a bottle of my favorite wine to share- by then, I'd be ready and able to say: No, thanks, not today. Would you like to try some of the fabulous iced tea I just made?
Easy for Nike to say! Whoops, no, that's about exercise. Just say no? Oh, that was Nancy Reagan. Just set down the bottle, stupid! Oh, if only it were that easy!!
Those of us who've had problems with excess alcohol consumption know there is a constant inner battle between: Today I won't have any wine, and: OMG, I can't live through the rest of this day without wine.
Here's a simplistic example: Suppose you love chocolate chip cookies, and there is a platter of delectable ones sitting next to you.
Scenario A:
Situation: You put no mental restraints on your eating patterns.
Result: You eat or don't eat a cookie, and there is no mental stress attached with either.
Scenario B:
Situation: You have told yourself No Sweets Today. But they look so good. You eat two.
Result: Immediate gratification, but after about 5 minutes, you start beating up on yourself for not keeping your agreement. This may or may not lead to eating the rest of the platter.
Situation C:
Situation: You have told yourself No Sweets Today. You sit there trying to ignore the call of the cookies. After about 30 minutes, you can't stand the temptation any more, so you (a) put them down the garbage disposal (b) give them to the neighborhood children, or other.
Result: You've exercised a lot of will-power and you've won! You feel tired but triumphant.
Here's the really crazy part! Suppose you then serve people from each group a large bowl of their favorite flavor of ice cream. Studies show that after an exercise like this, people from Group C usually eat far more of the ice cream than Groups A or B.
WhaaaaT? Aren't these the people who just showed how well they could use their willpower in the Cookie part of the exercise? How could this happen?
It turns out that Willpower is in finite supply in most of us. You can't just endlessly count on using willpower to change a deeply in-grained habit. The habit will win a significant amount of the time. That's why we need a whole deep bag of strategies for helping us change our alcohol consumption.
(now we are veering into my personal opinion, rather that scientific studies). I think that is what's so brilliant about Belle's idea of frequent small and large rewards. In my experience, a pleasant reward sort of resets my willpower supply. For example, suppose I've had a stressful day at work. I arrive home, and regret that I've decided not to indulge in my old habit of a large glass of crisp white wine. I know I've decided not to drink today, and I resist the urge- but I feel a bit cheated, put-upon.
Then, however, I remember my rewards system, and have a large piece of my favorite chocolate cake, or indulge in alone-time in a luxurious bubble bath. Suddenly, I feel taken-care-of, reset, ready to tackle the rest of the evening without that pouty/resentful feeling/look on my face.
If you dropped by my house, say, an hour later, with a bottle of my favorite wine to share- by then, I'd be ready and able to say: No, thanks, not today. Would you like to try some of the fabulous iced tea I just made?
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Sober Days #83 and #84- Tolerance, Acceptance and Resilience!
This sober blogging community- we are amazing! I have been aware of Sober Blogs and reading (and writing) them now for about 3 months. The power of this group astonishes me!
I have read many blogs detailing not-quite-making it. A one night deviation from a plan of abstinence, or a several year dive back into alcohol. Some just go quiet during these time. Others, the very bravest, post the details of these very difficult experiences. And are received with kindness, acceptance, acknowledgment of how any of us have been there, could be there, will be there again, disappointing ourselves in our struggle with that most seductive of false friends, alcohol. There is always encouragement, support and suggestions for new strategies.
And the resilience we show here! Those who fail in their abstinence plans, and start again, once or a thousand times. What is braver, more determined, stronger, than someone who fails, and tries again, fails and tries again. This takes a very special kind of courage, to face not-doing what you intended, and coming back for another pass, for as long as it takes. It takes a very special kind of self-acceptance, forgiveness and gut-wrenching determination.
And that's just those of us who are working on this out loud- er, in semi-public writing via blogs or comments. We also include the vast numbers of lurkers, who draw strength, education and a knowledge of not-being-alone from reading and thinking, without feeling the need to write.
Nobody planned this. No one said, Gee, everyone who struggles with alcohol, listen up! Let's all write blogs about our experiences. Nope. This community is like the best of off-line, in 3D life communities, a spontaneous evolution of people with a common challenge- letting alcohol become a bigger part of their lives than they like- finding and helping each other.
I am so glad this community exists. Without the support and education I've found here, I don't think I would have been motivated to tackle 100 days without alcohol. I know I will experiment with drinking alcohol again, after I finish these 100 days. I know I will be honest here about my experiences. And I know that whatever role alcohol takes in my future- Whether I decide I am a never-ever person, or a glass of wine 3 times a year person, or one who vacillates back and forth from over-use to abstinence, back and forth- I know y'all will be here, learning from my experiences, and helping me bring into focus how alcohol fits, if at all, into me continuing to be my most authentic self.
Thank you!!!
I have read many blogs detailing not-quite-making it. A one night deviation from a plan of abstinence, or a several year dive back into alcohol. Some just go quiet during these time. Others, the very bravest, post the details of these very difficult experiences. And are received with kindness, acceptance, acknowledgment of how any of us have been there, could be there, will be there again, disappointing ourselves in our struggle with that most seductive of false friends, alcohol. There is always encouragement, support and suggestions for new strategies.
And the resilience we show here! Those who fail in their abstinence plans, and start again, once or a thousand times. What is braver, more determined, stronger, than someone who fails, and tries again, fails and tries again. This takes a very special kind of courage, to face not-doing what you intended, and coming back for another pass, for as long as it takes. It takes a very special kind of self-acceptance, forgiveness and gut-wrenching determination.
And that's just those of us who are working on this out loud- er, in semi-public writing via blogs or comments. We also include the vast numbers of lurkers, who draw strength, education and a knowledge of not-being-alone from reading and thinking, without feeling the need to write.
Nobody planned this. No one said, Gee, everyone who struggles with alcohol, listen up! Let's all write blogs about our experiences. Nope. This community is like the best of off-line, in 3D life communities, a spontaneous evolution of people with a common challenge- letting alcohol become a bigger part of their lives than they like- finding and helping each other.
I am so glad this community exists. Without the support and education I've found here, I don't think I would have been motivated to tackle 100 days without alcohol. I know I will experiment with drinking alcohol again, after I finish these 100 days. I know I will be honest here about my experiences. And I know that whatever role alcohol takes in my future- Whether I decide I am a never-ever person, or a glass of wine 3 times a year person, or one who vacillates back and forth from over-use to abstinence, back and forth- I know y'all will be here, learning from my experiences, and helping me bring into focus how alcohol fits, if at all, into me continuing to be my most authentic self.
Thank you!!!
Friday, January 3, 2014
Sober Day #66- the Burden of Shame
So many new to or considering sobriety talk about shame: the shame of misusing alcohol, the shame of relationship or job problems caused by over-use of alcohol, the shame of alcohol-fueled obnoxious or illegal behaviour.
And shame feels so bad, so soul-destroying, that we will do almost anything to avoid it. For most of us, the easiest most familiar escape is the anesthesia of alcohol. Bottoms up! Pour another glass!
This becomes a very vicious self-replicating circle. Feel shame, feel bad, escape with alcohol, feel more shame about drinking, more alcohol to escape....
Shame is a powerful negative, unwarranted and useless emotion. Useless? you say??. Unwarranted? Yes. Shame involves feeling defective, feeling powerless, feeling as though one doesn't deserve happiness, doesn't deserve sobriety, doesn't even deserve a life. Shame is poisonous and destructive. Shame serves no useful purpose, and is a huge de-motivator for sobriety. (Randles, Tracy 2013- see full reference below)
Guilt can be useful- it may feel bad, but it can also motivate appropriate reparation. Embarrassment also feels bad, but can motivate avoidance of repeating the situations causing the embarrassment. But shame? It just cuts you off at the knees. It makes you feel useless, defective, unworthy. And none of us should feel shamed.
It is part of our birthright as human beings that we are inherently worthy people. We have made mistakes and bad choices, have done things we are sorry about- but we are still worthy people: People who deserve to escape the trap of alcohol, people who deserve friends and support, people who deserve to pursue sobriety and happiness.
Let go of shame. I deserve better, and so do you!
Randles D, Tracy JL. Nonverbal Displays of Shame Predict Relapse and Declining Health in Recovering Alcoholics. Clinical Psychological Science, April 2013; vol. 1, 2: pp. 149-155., epub February 4, 2013
And shame feels so bad, so soul-destroying, that we will do almost anything to avoid it. For most of us, the easiest most familiar escape is the anesthesia of alcohol. Bottoms up! Pour another glass!
This becomes a very vicious self-replicating circle. Feel shame, feel bad, escape with alcohol, feel more shame about drinking, more alcohol to escape....
Shame is a powerful negative, unwarranted and useless emotion. Useless? you say??. Unwarranted? Yes. Shame involves feeling defective, feeling powerless, feeling as though one doesn't deserve happiness, doesn't deserve sobriety, doesn't even deserve a life. Shame is poisonous and destructive. Shame serves no useful purpose, and is a huge de-motivator for sobriety. (Randles, Tracy 2013- see full reference below)
Guilt can be useful- it may feel bad, but it can also motivate appropriate reparation. Embarrassment also feels bad, but can motivate avoidance of repeating the situations causing the embarrassment. But shame? It just cuts you off at the knees. It makes you feel useless, defective, unworthy. And none of us should feel shamed.
It is part of our birthright as human beings that we are inherently worthy people. We have made mistakes and bad choices, have done things we are sorry about- but we are still worthy people: People who deserve to escape the trap of alcohol, people who deserve friends and support, people who deserve to pursue sobriety and happiness.
Let go of shame. I deserve better, and so do you!
Randles D, Tracy JL. Nonverbal Displays of Shame Predict Relapse and Declining Health in Recovering Alcoholics. Clinical Psychological Science, April 2013; vol. 1, 2: pp. 149-155., epub February 4, 2013
Saturday, December 28, 2013
Sober Day #60! Revisiting the Power of Sleep
Yesterday I had an interesting reminder of the power of sleep!!
In my former drinking life, I was a 4-5 hour a night sleeper. At the time, I felt like this was sufficient to 'get by' on.
In the first weeks of sobriety, I was up to 8-10 hours of sleep each night- mainly because of going to bed very early to avoid evening temptation to drink.
Over the last weeks, however, my sleep time has been shrinking again as I get more enthusiastic and drawn-in by some of my sober evening activities: Just one more square for this quilt, just one more set of glass beads, maybe another chapter of this book... and bedtime creeps later and later.
Everyone 'knows' that sleep deprivation leads to multiple dysfunctions, including slowed reaction time (physical and mental), less creativity and flexibility, and often less optimism. On the other hand, however, most of us, while acknowledging that this is true for others, somehow think of ourselves as 'immune' to this effect.
There is a notoriously poor connection between one's subjective assessment of fatigue or sleepiness, and objective measurements of these. (How do you objectively measure sleepiness?- one way is the Multiple Sleep Latency Test). This means we often think we feel 'fine', are doing just 'great' after our sleep-deprived nights- whereas in reality, we are not functioning so well.
How did my life remind me of this yesterday? By way of a game!
A few months ago, surfing around about 'successful aging' topics, I came across an online site called Luminosity. It has a set of game-like activities purported to keep brain agility challenged. One signs up for a nominal feel, plays different games as assigned, and sees scores comparing oneself with ones own former performance, as well as compared to age-based peers. The website emails a daily reminder to visit and play the 5 games it has assigned to you for that day. I find it a lot of fun. And as a highly competitive person, I love seeing my scores in various categories improve day-by-day. I almost always have a new Personal Best or at least a Top Five score on most of the games each day.
Yesterday, my performance was sub-par. I didn't even hit the Top Five score for any of the games. Hey, What's up?
Later in the day, it occurred to me. The night before was a very short sleep night- only about 4 hours, because of getting to bed a little late, and having to get up unusually early for a must-keep commitment.
I think these games are an unusually good discriminator of reaction time and brain connection time, since they depend on quick responses requiring both mental and physical agility. I hadn't noticed any other performance deficits for yesterday. I wasn't depressed, unusually drawn to alcohol, having trouble driving or any other actions I usually think of as resulting from sleep deprivation. But here was concrete evidence that apparently short sleep, even for just one night, DID impact my ability to function 'on all cylinders'.
So: I am re-committing to getting at least 7 (and preferably 8 or more) hours of sleep each night. I think Enough Sleep is also important in helping me meet this 100 day challenge, and figure out what I want to do after that.
Ciao!
In my former drinking life, I was a 4-5 hour a night sleeper. At the time, I felt like this was sufficient to 'get by' on.
In the first weeks of sobriety, I was up to 8-10 hours of sleep each night- mainly because of going to bed very early to avoid evening temptation to drink.
Over the last weeks, however, my sleep time has been shrinking again as I get more enthusiastic and drawn-in by some of my sober evening activities: Just one more square for this quilt, just one more set of glass beads, maybe another chapter of this book... and bedtime creeps later and later.
Everyone 'knows' that sleep deprivation leads to multiple dysfunctions, including slowed reaction time (physical and mental), less creativity and flexibility, and often less optimism. On the other hand, however, most of us, while acknowledging that this is true for others, somehow think of ourselves as 'immune' to this effect.
There is a notoriously poor connection between one's subjective assessment of fatigue or sleepiness, and objective measurements of these. (How do you objectively measure sleepiness?- one way is the Multiple Sleep Latency Test). This means we often think we feel 'fine', are doing just 'great' after our sleep-deprived nights- whereas in reality, we are not functioning so well.
How did my life remind me of this yesterday? By way of a game!
A few months ago, surfing around about 'successful aging' topics, I came across an online site called Luminosity. It has a set of game-like activities purported to keep brain agility challenged. One signs up for a nominal feel, plays different games as assigned, and sees scores comparing oneself with ones own former performance, as well as compared to age-based peers. The website emails a daily reminder to visit and play the 5 games it has assigned to you for that day. I find it a lot of fun. And as a highly competitive person, I love seeing my scores in various categories improve day-by-day. I almost always have a new Personal Best or at least a Top Five score on most of the games each day.
Yesterday, my performance was sub-par. I didn't even hit the Top Five score for any of the games. Hey, What's up?
Later in the day, it occurred to me. The night before was a very short sleep night- only about 4 hours, because of getting to bed a little late, and having to get up unusually early for a must-keep commitment.
I think these games are an unusually good discriminator of reaction time and brain connection time, since they depend on quick responses requiring both mental and physical agility. I hadn't noticed any other performance deficits for yesterday. I wasn't depressed, unusually drawn to alcohol, having trouble driving or any other actions I usually think of as resulting from sleep deprivation. But here was concrete evidence that apparently short sleep, even for just one night, DID impact my ability to function 'on all cylinders'.
So: I am re-committing to getting at least 7 (and preferably 8 or more) hours of sleep each night. I think Enough Sleep is also important in helping me meet this 100 day challenge, and figure out what I want to do after that.
Ciao!
Sunday, December 22, 2013
Sober Day #54- Alcohol was Responsible- NOT
This morning I saw my sweatshirt on the floor in the hallway. Oh, I thought, I must have done that last night when I was drinking.
Oops- wait, I wasn't drinking. That is apparently just me.
Or a few days ago when 20 year old son said, Mom, I told you about this last night- Don't you remember? Oh, yeah, um, wait, wait, sure, sure I remember now. (Thinking: I forgot what you said because I was too tipsy to remember). And then- Oh, wait, I wasn't drinking. I must just have been tired and already into relaxing/heading-for-bed mode when you told me whatever.
Or: Morning sink full of dirty dishes again. After the third glass of wine I lose interest in cleaning up. Shame. No, wait, I wasn't drinking last night, I just decided I was done with To-Do's for the evening- and that's OK.
You get the idea. There was a lot of behaviour I assumed was due to drinking, that is actually not.
This tells me 2 things (maybe more?)
#1: Drinking was so ingrained in my image of myself that I had Automatic Excuse/Shame thoughts to put things in context the next morning. I am OK with dumping these!
#2: Not everything Not-Perfect I did was due to alcohol. Some of them are just plain un-marinated me. And accepting that is fine.
Bonus #3: This not-drinking, this 100 days, is a time of more self-observation and self-discovery than I've seen since adolescence.
About time for me to understand my self better, yes? And to be gentle, caring and loving about it.
More discoveries coming, I am sure!!
Oops- wait, I wasn't drinking. That is apparently just me.
Or a few days ago when 20 year old son said, Mom, I told you about this last night- Don't you remember? Oh, yeah, um, wait, wait, sure, sure I remember now. (Thinking: I forgot what you said because I was too tipsy to remember). And then- Oh, wait, I wasn't drinking. I must just have been tired and already into relaxing/heading-for-bed mode when you told me whatever.
Or: Morning sink full of dirty dishes again. After the third glass of wine I lose interest in cleaning up. Shame. No, wait, I wasn't drinking last night, I just decided I was done with To-Do's for the evening- and that's OK.
You get the idea. There was a lot of behaviour I assumed was due to drinking, that is actually not.
This tells me 2 things (maybe more?)
#1: Drinking was so ingrained in my image of myself that I had Automatic Excuse/Shame thoughts to put things in context the next morning. I am OK with dumping these!
#2: Not everything Not-Perfect I did was due to alcohol. Some of them are just plain un-marinated me. And accepting that is fine.
Bonus #3: This not-drinking, this 100 days, is a time of more self-observation and self-discovery than I've seen since adolescence.
About time for me to understand my self better, yes? And to be gentle, caring and loving about it.
More discoveries coming, I am sure!!
Friday, December 20, 2013
Sober Day #52 Alcohol and Victims
I have recognized that my former worldview held a big chunk of 'Victim' in it. As in, the world is so hard, I can't manage it on my own, it asks too much of me, I don't deserve to feel so bad, I do deserve to feel better, in any way I can.
Yesterday I saw two patients back-to-back who really crystallized this for me (all recognizable details changed):
Both were women about 30 years old, with some medical issues but nothing disabling or affecting mobility. As far as I know, neither overuses alcohol or uses drugs.
The first spent the visit telling me why she was unable to take the medication she needed (she had the medication, this wasn't a money issue), how public services really needed to find her a new apartment, and why it was impossible for her to clean her apartment to help with her allergy symptoms. The second updated me on her medication progress, mentioned how challenging it had been to go back to school as an 'older' student, and how she was looking forward to taking her final licensing exam in January, so she could go to work in her chosen field.
I know nothing about their other-than-medical backgrounds, or their life in their families-of-origin. There are undoubtedly complexities and profundities at work here that I know nothing about. Nevertheless, there were deep differences in their approach to life.
I could see myself in both women. Like the second, I'm a do-er. I work hard at my profession, and at home with my family. I choose goals, go for them, and achieve them.
On the other hand, there is a part of me that whined: This is tooooo hard. I neeeeed relief. I caaaaan't do this. And this is the part that said: I deserve a (mental) vacation. Oh, Alcohol, glug, glug, glug. Oh, my, that is better. What world? What demands? Ahhhhhhh. All the way to oblivion.
I'm very clear on which patient I more admire, and which part of me I like more. Early sobriety has been, among other things, realizing: Wait, existing without alcohol isn't really all that bad. There's nothing here I can't handle. Wow, that's not really a big boogey man, after all, it's really quite manageable. And I AM strong, I CAN do this, Look at me!!!
Big, Crazy, Empowering Stuff!!!
Yesterday I saw two patients back-to-back who really crystallized this for me (all recognizable details changed):
Both were women about 30 years old, with some medical issues but nothing disabling or affecting mobility. As far as I know, neither overuses alcohol or uses drugs.
The first spent the visit telling me why she was unable to take the medication she needed (she had the medication, this wasn't a money issue), how public services really needed to find her a new apartment, and why it was impossible for her to clean her apartment to help with her allergy symptoms. The second updated me on her medication progress, mentioned how challenging it had been to go back to school as an 'older' student, and how she was looking forward to taking her final licensing exam in January, so she could go to work in her chosen field.
I know nothing about their other-than-medical backgrounds, or their life in their families-of-origin. There are undoubtedly complexities and profundities at work here that I know nothing about. Nevertheless, there were deep differences in their approach to life.
I could see myself in both women. Like the second, I'm a do-er. I work hard at my profession, and at home with my family. I choose goals, go for them, and achieve them.
On the other hand, there is a part of me that whined: This is tooooo hard. I neeeeed relief. I caaaaan't do this. And this is the part that said: I deserve a (mental) vacation. Oh, Alcohol, glug, glug, glug. Oh, my, that is better. What world? What demands? Ahhhhhhh. All the way to oblivion.
I'm very clear on which patient I more admire, and which part of me I like more. Early sobriety has been, among other things, realizing: Wait, existing without alcohol isn't really all that bad. There's nothing here I can't handle. Wow, that's not really a big boogey man, after all, it's really quite manageable. And I AM strong, I CAN do this, Look at me!!!
Big, Crazy, Empowering Stuff!!!
Thursday, December 5, 2013
Sober Day #37- Time Crunches and Alcohol
Like many people, I've always had sort of an uneasy relationship with time. I have this Endless To-Do list, and seem to have an underlying magical hope that time will expand to accommodate my needs. When, strangely enough, this doesn't happen- I end up frustrated and mad at myself.
And, I am an introvert. At work, I function very well as an extrovert- but I definitely need time alone to recharge (as opposed to DH, who draws energy from parties and social functions). And especially 'making time'- quilts with my sewing machine, and glass beads using my torch and kiln. None of these items travel well.
I have been out of town for most of the past two weekends, and will be gone for the entire weekend the next two weekends. Since I really cherish my weekends at home, my 'nesting' and 'making' time- this is very hard for me. Time seems to shrink, giving me barely enough time for necessary activities of daily living- and packing, and unpacking, and packing...
Usually this kind of a time stack would have me grabbing and gulping glasses and glasses of wine the I 'deserved' because of the stressful situation. And then (serendipitously? Coincidentally?) I read Sober Mom Write's post yesterday. All about taking care of oneself, making life as stress-free as possible. Having only One Job: staying sober.
And my Poor-Me-I-Need-Wine status started to crumble. I started really thinking about what I could NOT do, what tasks and obligations I could put off, reassign to someone else (even if this meant paying them to do so) or just plain not do. And about how I might 'treat' myself, add in some things that feed my soul even with this hectic schedule. The specifics of these actions will obviously vary from person to person- and my list is growing steadily.
I'm not sure whether not reading Sober Mom Write's post would have led me to give in to that calling of wine, but I do know that reading this post had a profound impact on how I am planning my support for the next weeks.
Self Care, I guess, is a major component of successful abstinence!
And, I am an introvert. At work, I function very well as an extrovert- but I definitely need time alone to recharge (as opposed to DH, who draws energy from parties and social functions). And especially 'making time'- quilts with my sewing machine, and glass beads using my torch and kiln. None of these items travel well.
I have been out of town for most of the past two weekends, and will be gone for the entire weekend the next two weekends. Since I really cherish my weekends at home, my 'nesting' and 'making' time- this is very hard for me. Time seems to shrink, giving me barely enough time for necessary activities of daily living- and packing, and unpacking, and packing...
Usually this kind of a time stack would have me grabbing and gulping glasses and glasses of wine the I 'deserved' because of the stressful situation. And then (serendipitously? Coincidentally?) I read Sober Mom Write's post yesterday. All about taking care of oneself, making life as stress-free as possible. Having only One Job: staying sober.
And my Poor-Me-I-Need-Wine status started to crumble. I started really thinking about what I could NOT do, what tasks and obligations I could put off, reassign to someone else (even if this meant paying them to do so) or just plain not do. And about how I might 'treat' myself, add in some things that feed my soul even with this hectic schedule. The specifics of these actions will obviously vary from person to person- and my list is growing steadily.
I'm not sure whether not reading Sober Mom Write's post would have led me to give in to that calling of wine, but I do know that reading this post had a profound impact on how I am planning my support for the next weeks.
Self Care, I guess, is a major component of successful abstinence!
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