Sober Day #120- Boredom and Abstinence

For the past week or so, I've been feeling just a wee bit bored.  Bored with the effort of abstinence, bored with life in general.

Perhaps it is the gloomy winter weather, the lack of sun, the seemingly-perpetual cold?  But I think I also hear the voice of Wolfie:

(soft whisper) "Now you've proven you can do it!  Nearly 4 months without alcohol.  But that means you have control, you don't have to keep doing this-  go on, grab a bottle and settle down to an evening of real relaxation."

(more insistent) "You know what?  This is getting really old.  At first, it was a fab accomplishment, each day seemed like a new discovery- but can you say booooooring?"

(louder still)  "This isn't going to work forever, you know.  Go ahead and have a glass of wine when your friends are.  That glass of club soda with lime looks so stupid."

And yet:  I have made a commitment to myself for 2014 to be without alcohol.  And I am physically feeling awesome.  In a few weeks, I will be traveling to New Orleans again, and then on to a meeting in Las Vegas- there will be more sunshine there.

I think that voice above is not a true voice, not a helpful voice.  I went to bed quite early last night to shut it up.  Perhaps I need a new pair of shoes today.  I've been craving a pair of navy blue patent leather pointy-toed flats.  A web search for the perfect pair would be a nice project/reward for later today.

I might have to go to bed really early again tonight.

Sober Day #45- Respite and Empty Calories

Yet another calm, no alcohol evening at home.  Excellent!

15 year old daughter and I are planning to drive to the city where daddy/husband works today.  And attend his work Christmas party tonight.  BUT...

There is a winter snow advisory here in our city, and also in his city 5 hours north of here.  They already have about a foot of snow, and are expecting more snow starting this afternoon and continuing through the weekend.  I do have a new car with all-wheel drive.  I guess we'll start out, and be ready to stop for the night or turn back if the roads get treacherous.

It's funny, in thinking about this plans and possible modification, how little thought I've given to alcohol.  In the past, such a journey would have required stock-piling wine, in case we arrived really late- and arguing myself into no alcohol before the journey (at least I've always had good common sense about not drinking and driving- small favors!).  Even with husband's Christmas party this evening, it just hasn't been much on my mind.  And to me, that is really a miracle!

I know Wolfie will be back again, but it is such a gift to have this respite from dealing with him.  Now to tackle the empty calories I've been consuming to keep him at bay!!  On the other hand, I figure I was consuming about 800 - 1000 empty wine calories a day before, so that should give me some leeway!

Sober Day #43- Sober Bedtimes

For the first couple of weeks of this challenge, time in the evenings seemed so empty.  About 4 PM, wine started calling to me.  It felt like a physical effort to resist it-  almost like there was an actual Wolf in the room with me, trying his smarmy best to have me join him in hoisting a celebratory drink.  (What celebration? Well, uh, you know, this is Wednesday and, uh, um, oh, it snowed last night...always something!).

By the time I got to 7 PM, I felt like I'd been through 20-30 rounds in a boxing ring, with an opponent who out-weighed me by about a hundred pounds.  I would tuck myself in bed by 8 PM because (a) I was exhausted and (b) at least in my sleep I wouldn't be thinking about alcohol.

Now, even though I'm only 6 weeks into abstinence, my evenings feel very different.  It didn't take long for me to find all sorts of cool, enjoyable things to fill my evenings:  Household projects, evening Pilates classes (I couldn't trust my driving to attend these while drinking), crossword puzzles, working on quilts, making glass beads, cooking, keeping up to date with professional literature, even playing Candy Crush...

Now I've swung to the other end of the pendulum-  there is sooooo much I want to do, that I have trouble tearing myself away and going to bed.  My total time in bed has been creeping downward again.

While drinking, I typically slept about 4 hours a night.  In my first few weeksof the 100-Day-Challenge, it was regularly 8, 9, even 10 hours.  Since I get up at 5:30, when I go to bed determines how much sleep I get.  I think 8 hours is ideal for me, which means being in bed by 9:30- and I've been fighting to get myself into bed by 11 PM.

My new sleep challenge:  Aim for being in bed by 9:30 most nights.  Sleep is so important for resilience and good-decision-making-  I need to remind myself that by leaving whatever fascinating thing I am doing and going to bed at my target time, I am equipping myself for better success in this sobriety project.

Sober Day #41- It's becoming a routine.

Another sober day and evening.  I spent yesterday evening on a flight so bumpy they never even got to do beverage service.  Oh, well, another temptation from those innocent-looking airline bottles of wine, eliminated, lol!  It's nice to be home, even to snow and ice.

That call of wine, even with all my recent traveling, has been getting softer and softer.  I know it happens like a post-op course, the way I explain it to patients:  It's not steadily a little better every single day!  There are good days and not-so-good days, but the general trend it toward getting well.  In the same way-  I know from reading the very helpful posts on various sober blogs-  that one can be progressing along, minimal problems with resisting wine- and suddenly, whammo, that Wolfie steps out from behind a tree, crooks his fingers, and hisses:  "Come find happiness with me".  So I am staying alert, and planning defense strategies for when that happens.

But for today, for me, all is calm.