So many new to or considering sobriety talk about shame: the shame of misusing alcohol, the shame of relationship or job problems caused by over-use of alcohol, the shame of alcohol-fueled obnoxious or illegal behaviour.
And shame feels so bad, so soul-destroying, that we will do almost anything to avoid it. For most of us, the easiest most familiar escape is the anesthesia of alcohol. Bottoms up! Pour another glass!
This becomes a very vicious self-replicating circle. Feel shame, feel bad, escape with alcohol, feel more shame about drinking, more alcohol to escape....
Shame is a powerful negative, unwarranted and useless emotion. Useless? you say??. Unwarranted? Yes. Shame involves feeling defective, feeling powerless, feeling as though one doesn't deserve happiness, doesn't deserve sobriety, doesn't even deserve a life. Shame is poisonous and destructive. Shame serves no useful purpose, and is a huge de-motivator for sobriety. (Randles, Tracy 2013- see full reference below)
Guilt can be useful- it may feel bad, but it can also motivate appropriate reparation. Embarrassment also feels bad, but can motivate avoidance of repeating the situations causing the embarrassment. But shame? It just cuts you off at the knees. It makes you feel useless, defective, unworthy. And none of us should feel shamed.
It is part of our birthright as human beings that we are inherently worthy people. We have made mistakes and bad choices, have done things we are sorry about- but we are still worthy people: People who deserve to escape the trap of alcohol, people who deserve friends and support, people who deserve to pursue sobriety and happiness.
Let go of shame. I deserve better, and so do you!
Randles D, Tracy JL. Nonverbal
Displays of Shame Predict Relapse and Declining Health in Recovering Alcoholics. Clinical Psychological Science, April 2013; vol.
1, 2:
pp. 149-155., epub February 4, 2013
Showing posts with label guilt. Show all posts
Showing posts with label guilt. Show all posts
Friday, January 3, 2014
Monday, December 16, 2013
Sober Day #48- Tomorrow is Another Day
I've always had an uneasy relationship with Time. As in, There is Never Enough, and My To-Do List won't Ever Fit, and It Is My Enemy and Once I Start Something, I Must Ignore Everything Else to Complete This One Task. The end result of this is that I would reach the day's end and feel very critical of myself- I might have completed one or two, possibly three tasks. But there were 5 zillion more on my list I hadn't even spend 5 minutes on. And Play-Time? Not even a background thought.
And this is changing. The change is something I have noticed, not something I've done deliberately.
I know my research lab has been most productive when we are managing multiple studies at once. We review them weekly, deciding to the Next Step and Who is Responsible (a la David Allen's Getting Things Done). When we get stymied or blocked on one study, there's always another we can push ahead with. I call this process Sheparding- as in trying to get a whole flock of projects progressing in the right direction- Some are always out ahead of the herd- and if some are falling behind, we need to run back and coax them up with the rest of the flock.
What I noticed first about time was that it wasn't feeling so urgent to me. That I could do an intensive half hour of one activity at home, then switch to another EVEN if the first wasn't completely finished. You may laugh, but this was a revolution for me!
Once I noticed this, it occurred to me that I could use the Sheparding process at home also: Looking at the constellation of all tasks (both chores and fun projects) as my herd (oops, stars and sheep, very mixed metaphors, sorry!), and push a bit on one, then a bit on another- and reach the end of the day feeling satisfied rather than critical- Thus eliminating, or at least modifying, another source adding to the heavy backpack filled with stress that led me straight to alcohol for relief.
As I was lying in bed last night, playing one last game of Candy Crush before turning off my light- I found myself thinking back over my days, feeling pretty satisfied with the work/play ratio. And instead of beginning to heap on the criticism for not completing more, I found that voice in the back of my head saying, with compassion and encouragement, Tomorrow is Another Day.
Two of yesterdays projects: Wrapping Presents and Trimming the Christmas Tree:
And this is changing. The change is something I have noticed, not something I've done deliberately.
I know my research lab has been most productive when we are managing multiple studies at once. We review them weekly, deciding to the Next Step and Who is Responsible (a la David Allen's Getting Things Done). When we get stymied or blocked on one study, there's always another we can push ahead with. I call this process Sheparding- as in trying to get a whole flock of projects progressing in the right direction- Some are always out ahead of the herd- and if some are falling behind, we need to run back and coax them up with the rest of the flock.
What I noticed first about time was that it wasn't feeling so urgent to me. That I could do an intensive half hour of one activity at home, then switch to another EVEN if the first wasn't completely finished. You may laugh, but this was a revolution for me!
Once I noticed this, it occurred to me that I could use the Sheparding process at home also: Looking at the constellation of all tasks (both chores and fun projects) as my herd (oops, stars and sheep, very mixed metaphors, sorry!), and push a bit on one, then a bit on another- and reach the end of the day feeling satisfied rather than critical- Thus eliminating, or at least modifying, another source adding to the heavy backpack filled with stress that led me straight to alcohol for relief.
As I was lying in bed last night, playing one last game of Candy Crush before turning off my light- I found myself thinking back over my days, feeling pretty satisfied with the work/play ratio. And instead of beginning to heap on the criticism for not completing more, I found that voice in the back of my head saying, with compassion and encouragement, Tomorrow is Another Day.
Two of yesterdays projects: Wrapping Presents and Trimming the Christmas Tree:
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