Sober Day #76 - Why We Drink?

Here's what I found in my email this morning;

When we run from our feelings, they follow us. Everywhere.

It's from Martha Beck, in a daily email inspiration thing I signed up for.  (um, for which I signed up?  or Up for which I signed?  nevermind!)

This quote is from a piece she wrote about Learn to Avoid Avoidance.  And that is definitely what I and so many of us are working on.  I feared that I was unable to deal with my feelings, that they were too strong, that they would overwhelm me...  so I ran straight to my anesthesia of choice, wine.

Unfortunately, the wine-escape didn't destroy, soften or process these feelings-  it just masked them for a while-  but they were right back again the next day, worse than ever.   Running from my feelings like this didn't provide any permanent solution, it just delayed my coping and made things worse (think of un-felt emotions as being like compound interest, growing heavier and more insistent day-by-unfelt-day!)

In South Beach, I think my driver for thinking about alcohol was more habit:  If I am in a beautiful tropical spot and having fun, it should also involve alcohol for maximum fun.

So  here is why I drank excessively:  Fear,  Avoidance, Fear, Habit, Fear.  These are not really very good reasons, are they?

No more running from emotions.  Turn and face those little fuckers, this is my new motto!

Sober Day #75- Pushing Back against Habit

Yesterday I realized how embedded drinking is in my Meeting/Vacation mode.  I thought more about wine yesterday than I have in the last couple of weeks all put together.  Everyplace my glance landed, people were drinking alcohol.  By the pool, on the beach, at all the sidewalk cafes, at a raucous gay bar spilling out onto the street- Yow!

But the architecture:  Look at this neighboring Art Deco hotel.

Don't you just love the font of the sign?  And the secondary pattern the shadow of the railing makes on the stairs?  (And no, the photo may be tipsy, but I was not!)

But will all that temptation, I did not drink.  Why not? I asked myself this morning.  Where did I find the strength to push back against habit and environment and desire?

And my answer came down to:  I won't be ruled by any person or thing.  I will NOT dive into alcohol again as a compulsion, or as an escape, or as a need.  I am a very stubborn determined person, and I am now choosing not to give away my personal power to a substance.  

How did I come to be so dependent on alcohol in the past?  I can't explain this, except as formerly not knowing I could sit with negative emotions, and they too would pass.  BUT, I can make different choices for the future.  

And that is what I am doing, each time that thought crosses my mind:  Wouldn't a nice cold glass of wine taste/feel really good right now?  And I answer myself:  Remember, sweetie, we are not having wine today.  Oh, yeah, that's right, the other part replies.  

This is very hard, right now, and requires huge expenditures of energy-  but I am trusting it will become quieter and easier.

Home to the cold and the snow today :(