Sober Day #71- Scared of Sobriety

Today I am feeling 'off'.  Not bad, just not-myself (um, whoever that is, lol!)

I'm feeling partway between who I was when I drank wine every evening, and who I am becoming in what I project to be a mostly alcohol-free life.

I feel unfamiliar to myself, sort of psychically naked and not knowing where to find 'clothes'.

When I drill down on this feeling, I find fear.  Two months sober seems about the right amount of time for it to sink in.  What started out as an almost whimsical commitment to the 100-day challenge has become so much more than that.  Maybe akin to the time in a diet when you realize you can't ever go back to your old junk food and carbs diet and maintain your weight loss.  Only this is deeper, psyche-shaking.

So sobriety is more serious, has way more implications than I realized two months ago.  It means taking total responsibility for myself- no more victim, no more 'poor me, this is too hard, let's have a glass of wine', no more 'well, I'd had a few glasses of wine, so no wonder...'

I am scared.  (Where's my wine??!)  But no, I won't.  I will feel my feelings, and observe myself, and tell myself this is a doorway to a different place that will not feel so scary on the other side.  

Sober Day #69- A Bit Difficult

Yesterday was tough for me- which took me totally by surprise.  Perhaps it is the letdown of the holidays being over?  Or the gloomy low-sunshine weather?

Anyway, everything felt flat and boring yesterday.  As least half a dozen times I caught the thought- Why don't I go get a nice bottle of wine for the evening?  As though that would relieve the boredom, add some excitement and meaning to my existence.   But Wolfie did not get the better of me!

I gritted my teeth, drank some diet ginger ale, ate a bit, read another magazine, played candy crush, more ginger ale- and went to bed early.  Today seems better.

These Sneak Attacks are hard, and take a ton of energy to power through!  But I keep comforting myself with imagined pictures of those new non-drinking neural pathways being laid down, making the next time easier, and the one after that, easier still!  I hope! :)

Sober Day #65- Emotions and Fear

Alcohol numbs us- to our surroundings, our emotions, our fears.  Most of us who turn to alcohol as a solution feel inadequate in some way, unequal to the challenges of our lives, afraid we can't 'handle' the emotions we'd feel if not numbed. And with sobriety, we can be flooded with the very emotions we have been trying to avoid.  How to deal with this?

I'm discovering it's much simpler than it initially seems.  You just sit still and allow yourself to feel.  You notice how you are feeling.  It's kind of like letting your tongue feel a sore tooth, at first.  It feels strange, unaccustomed and possible dangerous.  Keep feeling.  Don't shut it off.  Just sit with it.  And after a bit, you find yourself thinking:  well, this isn't that hard after all.

Even the really tricky emotions- jealousy, fear, hatred- they all dissipate over time.  Especially when you keep reminding yourself, these are emotions occurring in my mind, they have no concrete reality of their own.  Therefore, if I don't like them, I do have the power to change them.

One of this big benefits of this, besides lessening the pull of anesthetic alcohol, is that it also frees you to feel the positive emotions.  (anesthesia lessens or shuts off all emotions, good and bad, happy and sad- it doesn't work selectively!).  And those pleasant, joyful emotions-they also feed one's soul and lessen the attractiveness of alcohol as a solution.

Examples:  Last night I sat on the sofa in my bedroom, reading before bed.  One dog was curled up next to me, one was curled up at my feet, and the third was doing adorable calithenics on the bed.  I took a moment to really enjoy the scene:  Warm and cozy, soft and comfortable, great canine friends- and a good book.  Contentment.

This morning, I opened the garage door to head off to work-  and found snow.  An inch or more.  Sigh, another force trying to make me late for work.  But then as I drove, I switched my focus.  It was still dark.  As I drove, the snowflakes caught in my headlights, and appeared to be coming toward me (like that old windows star screensaver).  It was absolutely lovely:  Enchantment.

Making that conscious shift to being truly present for the moment, noticing what is happening around me, finding the good, the amusing, the beautiful-  these feelings feed that fearful place in my soul, and help bolster my resistance to that siren call of Wolfie, the King of Alcohol.

Sober Day #47- Bare Knuckle Tactics

One of the most educational (addiction-wise) books I've read recently is Gabor Mate's 'In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts:  Close Encounters with Addiction".  He is a Canadian addiction physician who is Buddhist-influenced.

About.com explains the Buddhist concept of hungry ghost this way:  ""Hungry ghost" is one of the six modes of existence (see Six Realms). Hungry ghosts are pitiable creatures with huge, empty stomachs. They have pinhole mouths, and their necks are so thin they cannot swallow, so they remain hungry. Beings are reborn as hungry ghosts because of their greed, envy and jealousy. Hungry ghosts are also associated with addiction, obsession and compulsion."

One needn't have a Buddhist outlook to see how this description of Always Hungry but Never Satisfied fits most of us who are struggling with alcohol.  (Hungry for alcohol, that is, not for food). 

Mate discusses the difference between a passion and an addiction:  "The difference between passion and addiction is that between a divine spark and a flame that incinerates."  Which makes it very clear-  for me, wine has been a flame that incinerates and destroys the richness that could be my life.  Even though at times I tried to convince myself that is benefited me, added enjoyment, made my life better.  

He says:  "When we flee our vulnerability, we lose our full capacity for feeling emotion."  And that is certainly what I have done with alcohol:  used its anesthetic effect to avoid feeling stressed, vulnerable, not-enough.    The challenge with this is that one can't blunt just the negative emotions-  any action that blunts them, also blunts the positive emotions-  and, as he says, we end up diminishing our capacity for feeling all emotions.  

Where do the Bare Knuckles come in?  In hand-to-hand combat with Wolfie.  If I am losing the battle, my last resort is to re-read a quote from his book (at least 10 times in a row, preferably out loud) and go to bed as soon as possible.  I have the quote written down on a card that I carry in my purse at all times.  Here it is:

"I don't NEED a drink now.  I'm only having an obsessive thought that I have such a need.  It's not a real objective need but a false belief.  I may have a feeling of urgency, but there is actually nothing urgent going on."

That kinda says it all, doesn't it?