Sober Day #53- The Other OFF Switch

Another wine-free Friday evening- this is getting to be a habit!  I was asleep by 9:30 and had a delicious 8+ hours of sleep.  Followed by a few hours at the gym this morning- yay!

We know that most of us who have alcohol-consumption problems have deficient OFF switches for saying NO to the 3rd, 4th, 5th, etc drink.  But I'm thinking today about that other OFF switch, that seems much more possible for us to change than the first.

This is the OFF for the To-Do List, OFF for everything must be accomplished today, OFF for If I don't do everything faster and twice as well as my (sister, friend, mother, etc) I am a failure.

It's a softening that helps turn that switch off.  A willingness to believe I am inherently a good and valuable person, regardless of exactly how much I accomplish today.  And this is really important for me!  Part of the reason I was so attracted to alcohol was how it allowed me to ignore that To Do Everything Now voice.  It put cotton plugs in my ears, so that I could no longer hear it, and thus could relax.

Imagine my astonishment in discovering now that I-  yeah, that would be me!- I hold the power to turn that Voice on and off.  At 8 PM at night, I can say- OK, that's enough for today.  Have some tea, write in your journal, read a fabulous book- then turn off the lights and enjoy your sleep.

Even at noon on a Saturday-  I can shut off the Voice if I feel stressed and in need of rest.  Even at work, I can shut off the home-family-life-related Voice, and just laser-focus on patient issues.

This is another Earth-Moving revelation for me!  Shutting off the switch that controls that annoyingly helpful voice is not some magical power integral to alcohol.  I had that power all along, but just misplaced it.

Glory Be!!!

Sober Day #49- That Pesky OFF Switch!

49 days and holding.  As in, putting one foot in front of the other, walking forward, day after day.  It seems very strange not to be drinking this time of year, but not really unpleasant most of the time.  I realize a lot of the occasions that seemed to inevitably include alcohol were mostly my personal expectations, not intrinsic characteristics of the events themselves.

One of the emails quoted on Belle's blog recently talked about alcohol making her feel like she was going to have fun soon- not that she ever got to the part about actually feeling the fun.  For me, it is the anticipation of letting go, of stress, of expectations, of duties.  Being able to go to that Fuzzy Place where I don't have to think about or listen to any of these.  And for that first glass or two of wine, it might actually feel good, rewarding, happy.

But, ahhh, that lack of a OFF switch, that inability to say, Gee, I feel good, that's enough, thank you. That is where the damage came in for me.

Where did that defective OFF switch come from?  Partly genetic, I think, and partly cultural promotion of the joys of alcohol consumption.  Is it possible to acquire an OFF switch?  Can one go from being an excessive drinker to a moderate drinker, defining moderate as the ability to have one or two drinks and feel satisfied, feel no urge to consume more alcohol?

That was my goal when I started examining my alcohol consumption-  a glass or two of wine with dinner a few nights a week.  My thoughts on that are shifting.  I am beginning to believe that getting an OFF switch, actually learning moderate behaviour, will not be possible for me.  Let me rephrase that:  I know that I CAN, with focus, drink just one or two glasses of wine in an evening, and stop there.  But it takes LOTS of energy, self-talk, will-power to make it happen.  I CANNOT see a future where I will really drink one or two glasses of wine and not care if I have another glass or not.

On the other hand, whenever I tell myself I ABSOLUTELY CANNOT ever do something, it is like a dare to me to rebel.  Redheads don't look good in red?  Oh, yeah?  Look at me in this scarlet dress!  Adult women can't squat their own body weight?  Oh yeah?  Watch this!!  You can never ever drink any alcohol again?  Oh, yeah?  Watch me head to the wine store.

I am definitely committed to doing these 100 days.  But what will I do after that?  I'm not sure.  And I don't feel compelled to make a specific commitment now-  I realize I am just barely half-way through the 100 days.  So much has changed, become apparent, been different than I expected already-  and I'm pretty sure the next 50 days will also bring more of these. But I'm just thinking...