For the past week or so, I've been feeling just a wee bit bored. Bored with the effort of abstinence, bored with life in general.
Perhaps it is the gloomy winter weather, the lack of sun, the seemingly-perpetual cold? But I think I also hear the voice of Wolfie:
(soft whisper) "Now you've proven you can do it! Nearly 4 months without alcohol. But that means you have control, you don't have to keep doing this- go on, grab a bottle and settle down to an evening of real relaxation."
(more insistent) "You know what? This is getting really old. At first, it was a fab accomplishment, each day seemed like a new discovery- but can you say booooooring?"
(louder still) "This isn't going to work forever, you know. Go ahead and have a glass of wine when your friends are. That glass of club soda with lime looks so stupid."
And yet: I have made a commitment to myself for 2014 to be without alcohol. And I am physically feeling awesome. In a few weeks, I will be traveling to New Orleans again, and then on to a meeting in Las Vegas- there will be more sunshine there.
I think that voice above is not a true voice, not a helpful voice. I went to bed quite early last night to shut it up. Perhaps I need a new pair of shoes today. I've been craving a pair of navy blue patent leather pointy-toed flats. A web search for the perfect pair would be a nice project/reward for later today.
I might have to go to bed really early again tonight.
It's good to recognize when your own voices are lying to you, isn't it? I have a chorus of those voices, sometimes, and I'm getting better at calmly answering them without engaging on their terms. Sounds like sleep and sun will both do you a world of good. And shoes! Good to see you doing well despite the wee boredom. xo
ReplyDeleteIt's such a paradox, how I can KNOW that drinking is harmful to me, yet feel so attracted to it. This, I guess, is how Wolfie operates. But WHY? Why does he WANT me to drink? What is the payoff for him? Possibly being in charge of my psyche, instead of me being in charge? The more I ponder, the more bizarre it seems!
DeleteHello! I'm hearing all those damned murmerings, too..... and I'm way back here on Day 49.... As the time passes and I learn a little bit more about how this stuff works, the thing that seems to keep me on the straight and narrow more than anything else is the extremely specific question (word for word) "What'll be the difference tomorrow if I have one tonight?" ("one"...yeah, right!) .... and NONE of the answers I come up with is good. They're all TOTALLY bad! This frightens me a bit, because it makes me wonder if I'll EVER find a decent reason and time to have a drink again by discovering a good answer to my pet question! (I know..... distorted logic! .... but that's how this game works, isn't it?!)
ReplyDeleteKeep at it and enjoy the pointy shoe hunt! :o)
G x
*murmurings* (avoiding typos at 7am isn't easy!) ;o)
DeleteI like that question. Drinking is really getting short-term relaxation, checking-out, at the expense of tomorrow. Kind of borrowing time and optimal function from tomorrow to shore up the now. I guess that is how I talked myself out of trying an evening or two of alcohol at day #100- by realizing that the Tonight would not be worth the Tomorrow. I will use your question, word for word!
DeleteCongrats on being half-way through your first 100 days!!
I'm with you on the feeling kinda flat - we need spring to spring soon! Shoes always work for me as a distraction ;) x
ReplyDeleteYeah, it may be a kind of 'making a lot of life changes' compounded with cabin fever!
DeleteYou know what's really really boring? Wolfie saying the same old shit over and over again, to anyone who will listen. Maybe all of us, all around the world, all on our different days sober, should just turn on Wolfie, and yell "BOOOORINGGGG". Might give him the fright of his life.
ReplyDeleteI love your thinking, Sue! It IS boring- and yet, for me, it still has an emotional hook, a charge to it. Perhaps that will continue to lessen with time?
DeleteI believe it will lessen with time Carrie. I can say that now (almost 500 days sober!!!) the emotional hook of drinking has changed significantly for me. I don't miss drinking at all. And if I ever do have that "I could sure use a drink right now" thought, it's not charged with emotion. It's more like a knee jerk reaction to a stress of some sort, which I give voice to, and it just dissolves into thin air. Those thoughts are no longer threats to my sobriety, and I'm really grateful for that.
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