I was really scared, I think, of having the 'freedom' to drink again after reaching 100 days. Which means that alcohol still carries too much of an emotional attachment for me to consider trialing drinking again now. I feel such relief at having made the decision to make 2014 an alcohol-free year for me. By then, my new no-alcohol neuronal pathways should be firmly established, and I can think then about what I want to do for the following year. I'm not yet convinced I need to be a Never-Ever person- but I may be.
I have become aware of how many things I procrastinate on- put off, it seems, mostly in order to have something to feel bad about. And feeling bad creates stress, and stress creates the desire for relief, which by habit and inclination involves copious amounts of wine...I am embarking on a major reform program, seeking out these ways and times, and working on replacing them with more productive approaches.
One of today's tasks: My Kitchen.
I realized as I headed up to bed last night that the kitchen was a mess, yet again (it is amazing how much chaos one almost-16-year-old-girl can create)- and started to descend into the 'man, I feel so bad about this, it is such a burden'- before I caught myself.
Carrie, I said, look, really look, at the kitchen. It isn't all that bad. There are dishes to put in the dishwasher, counters to clear, a tablecloth to change. But you are talking to yourself as though there is a whole day or two of work to make it tidy. I bet you (I said to myself) that in 25 minutes or less you can pretty much make this a model kitchen. NO feeling-bad required.
I think I put things off because they seem so immense- that I have let the tasks grow in my imagination until they become mountains of effort. Allowing me to put them off, and feel bad about putting them off, yada, yada...
So this afternoon, in a few minutes, I am trying something different. A la Belle's organizing course, I will set my phone for 25 minutes, and work on the kitchen until the timer goes off. How much do you think I can get done?
Congratulations on your soon-to-be 100th day of sobriety!!!
ReplyDeleteI've been reading your blog and I love your scientific input and how it relates to sobriety...and any kind of change...neuronal pathways, circuits, connections. I especially like the "what fires together, wires together" mantra. Good stuff!
That is such a keen analysis of procrastination being the catalyst for feeling bad about ourselves. Wow. I wonder why so many of us have these subconscious methods of keeping on feeling like crap. Awareness is key. When we can start being aware of what's going on, it gets kind of ridiculous to keep it going eh? My kitchen is clean, but my freelance work pile is a big scary disastrous mountain--in my mind, at least. Maybe time for a 25 minute paper sorting session.
ReplyDelete