Sober Day #103- Settling In

Today I am settling in for the journey to 180 days and beyond.  This is no longer a temporary experiment.  I do intend to sample wine again, in the undetermined future-  but, as you know, when I considered if this was the right time, and tried hard to listen to my most authentic voice, the answer was a pretty certain:  No, not now.

Now even my subconscious is chiming in.  I had a dream where Mister and I were out for breakfast, and each had white wine that came in a little airplane-sized bottle.  (And he almost NEVER drinks white wine- pretty much a red only sorta guy).  And wine with breakfast?  Maybe once or twice in my entire life!  I finished mine and was eyeing his.  We were then back at home, and I felt back in the grip of that Gotta-Have-MORE-Right-Now feeling.  I was frantically searching around the house for any forgotten wine.  I knew we were expecting friends in a little bit, and was trying to figure how I could obtain more wine before they arrived.  It was that really intense, driven, nonsensical but compelling feeling of Needing More Wine-    Even in the dream I was aware of being just past 100 days with no alcohol-  but far from feeling ashamed of drinking when I planned not to, I just felt cunning, devious.  How was I going to successfully get MORE???  And how was I going to hide this drinking from anyone else who might care.

Waking up from that dream was quite a relief.  I'd forgotten how intense that Want More Now feeling could be.  On waking, I felt a little bit of resentment that my current decision means I couldn't go do just that, the mindless escape from anything real.  But even more overwhelming was my relief and gratitude that my being is really NOT tuned into that channel anymore.  And I appreciate that dream for reminding me just how bad it was.

For that dream to come from my subconscious, I know the roots of my bad habit of drinking run very deep.  And they will be there for quite a while yet.  They (AKA Wolfie) will be trying to send up a little green shoot here, a tender little morsel there.  And until this is gone, roots and all, I won't be trying alcohol again.  Perhaps that means never ever, perhaps not.  But the occurance of this dream confirms my decision to make 2014 alcohol-free for me.