Monday, March 3, 2014

Sober Day #125: Marriage/Partnerships and Sobriety

I have been married a long time.  My husband has known me since I was a college freshman, not even considering medical school, not intending to get married for a long long time, planning on never having children.  We got married about 6 months after we met, I've been a surgeon for many years, and our three children are 16 (F), 20 (M) and 21 (F).

This was also before I'd ever had more than a sip or 2 or wine or beer from someone else's glass.  Gradually, over time, he's seen me spiral deeper and deeper into a bit more, then another glass, well, maybe another, heck, yeah, I'll have one more.  And our relationship has changed to accommodate this.  He's remained a two glasses of red wine most evenings drinker.

The fact that he works about 5 hours away, and stays there a lot of the time brings a sharper focus to the changes in our relationship.  The recent very snowy/icy weather has meant difficult roads for this 5 hour drive, so this was the first weekend he's been home in a month.

Just before he got home, I had dreams 2 nights in a row about marrying him.  All with a twist- like in one, I was wearing a wedding dress I'd designed, with multiple very bright graphic green and yellow prints!  I think this was all about, almost literally, entering into a new marriage.

When he called to surprise me that he'd be home on Friday, rather than Saturday as planned, my first reaction?  Disappointment.  What?  Well, I had my Friday evening planned, they've sort of become routine.  A food treat (I eat very low carb most of the time), some new magazines or a new novel, and very early to bed before a 3-hour workout (I know, I know, but it's a one hour pilates class, a one hour barre class and an hour of weight-lifting with my trainer, so it's not really over-achieving, lol) on Saturday mornings.  And now I'd have to change that.

Hmmm, I said to myself. Really?  I mean, really?  Why, just why, do you think you have to change what you plan to do because he is home? Um, because.  Because, because,  Well, I'm not really sure why.  I decided to stick to my plan for the evening and proceed, with a strong commitment to being authentic.  And it turned out, he was wondering if I'd mind him going to meet up with some old friends/colleagues for a beer.  I had my treats, and when he returned home about 9 PM, I said, wanna go to bed early with me?  And so that worked out fine!

And the weekend proceeded like that, me initially thinking I'd have to modify the works-for-me-sober weekend activities I've developed, and then finding they meshed quite well with his plans-  and also finding that both of us could be quite flexible to accommodate what the other was wanting.

Our relationship has always been good, but this is a whole new level, a whole new marriage, and I am liking it very much!


  1. Lovely, thoughtful and real :o)
    G x

  2. It just keeps getting better doesn't it? :) xx

  3. I think it was Belle who wrote recently about the habit of dancing around a partner or spouse, out of some kind of habit, when they don't expect it or want it, and possibly even find it irritating. I'm guessing this is a habit from childhood, when we needed to perform some kind of adaptive behaviours to get what we needed (attention, love) and we just bring it with us, unthinking, into relationships that don't have the same things going on. Authenticity. That word keeps coming up, and I think I'm slowly getting it! Thanks for another thought provoking post. S


I'd love to hear about your journey, and hear your take on my journey. Comments are very welcome!!