Sober Day #131: Sunshine Thanks!

A huge hug and thanks to Lucy for nominating me for the Sunshine Award!!  I am soooo honored by this nomination that I can't tell you how much it means to me.  On the flip side, I don't want to burden another 10 bloggers (no matter how much I admire them and how meaningful and life- (OK, sobriety-) saving their posts have been for me) with naming yet another 10 bloggers to nominate!

The part of this award that I particularly love is the requirement that all acceptees (hmmm, not really a word, I guess, but seems to fit the purpose here) list 10 previously unknown (as in un-blogged) facts about themselves.  Taking a cue from Sharon at Sober at Sixty, I'm going to list 5!

1.  Color drives my creative life!  I've never met a color that I can't enjoy once I find the right color-environment for it!!

2.  I lived for many years on the Texas Gulf Coast.  We boarded up and left for many a threatened hurricane!

3.  I do most of my blogging at my treadmill desk, logging 2 to 2.5 miles an hour.

4.  I adore dogs!  Here are my 3:

5.  (Probably no real surprise to anyone but me!) I am finding that I loooove being sober!!

Sober Day #19- Why Procrasinate?

I've been thinking a lot about procrastination lately.  How, although I have a highly successful and accomplished professional life, procrastination permeates my daily life.  Until I set aside the rose-colored glasses that wine provides, I was not really aware of this.

I buy food for a recipe, and a week or so later throw out this food when it goes bad before I've made the recipe. I agree to review a manuscript, then don't start reading the manuscript until two days after the review was due.  I toss bills aside in a pile to pay 'later', and find them a month or two later when I get a notice my utilities will be turned off if I don't pay them immediately.

Why?!!  I think it is rebellion. As in 'You are not the boss of me'.  I can see how doing this undoubtedly contributes to that underlying angst, the constant feeling that something bad is about to happen.  This seemingly-free-floating anxiety is, of course, part of what enticed me to escape into alcohol.  Can you say:  duh?

I will have to think about how to disarm the knee-jerk procrastination reaction.

In the meantime, this is a lovely Sunday, and I will enjoy my well-rested, well-slept state this morning.

Day #16- The Blahs

Tonight I am feeling a bit blah- not major down or upset or anything, just a bit blah.  In the past I would have jumped away from feeling this feeling and into a bottle of wine.  I was so uncomfortable with any emotion, so scared of my emotions, that alcoholic 'anesthesia' was the only way I felt I could deal with them.

Tonight, I sat with this feeling.  I ate some dinner, finished up some paperwork, went to my Pilates class.  And sure enough, I am feeling more normal, more engaged with the world again.  The somewhat staggering realization for me:  Emotions ebb and flow, come and go.  I won't get stuck in an emotion, and the emotions won't hurt me.  They are what I am feeling, but they are not me.

This is a very different way of living for me.  I like it. 

Day #15- Walking Past Wine

This really surprised me.  I decided last night that I needed a little treat, so stopped at a little gourmet grocery shop on the way home from work.  I was hoping to find some cool diet root beer or other diet soda to sip during the evening (even though I'm trying to redirect most of my wine-sipping to selzer water).  I went in, walked through their extensive wine section to reach the aisle with the soda.  I found and purchased some great root beer, bought it, came home, poured out a glass on ice, stuck a straw in it, and enjoyed the cool deliciousness.

It wasn't 'til then, sitting at the kitchen table, that I realized I hadn't even considered buying wine.  In that place where I have purchased many, many bottles of wine.  It didn't even occur to me.  This is astonishing.

But then I've also been thinking a lot about what I will do when I finish these 100 days.  Moderation -as in, drink a glass or two of wine a few days a week-  will definitely not work for me.  Two glasses always become four or five.  Yet to tell myself I will never ever taste wine again- well, that just sets up what seems a unrealistic goal against which I will need to rebel.

I am pretty sure I will never go back to drinking daily, or even weekly.  But perhaps one Friday or Saturday night a month?  Perhaps I will try this, and it will work fine.  Or perhaps I will try it and find out that this ends up interfering with my quality of life on the following Saturday or Sunday?  There's a part of me that thinks I will find out that, after all, even that much wine is not worth the trouble, and I'll limit myself to a glass of champagne on New Year's Eve (not this upcoming one, however, as it falls within my 100 days).

Most of the blogs I've read that talk about trying 'moderation' seem to end in relapse, out of which the person needs to reclimb.  But unfortunately, there is little detail about what the 'moderation' consists of. I guess that I will see.

Day #14- Is it really TWO WHOLE WEEKS??

Wow.  I am surprised.

I had always intended to stop drinking for a while, but the date which I was imagining doing this was always a few months in the future (kinda like Middle Age is always 5 years older that one is, lol).  I didn't really intend to quit now. I just had that one day of alcohol-related bad experiences, and found the words coming out of my mouth:  That's it.  I'm done.

That first evening I discovered the world of sober blogs, and was amazed to find out that I wasn't the baddest, most worthless person who ever lived- just because two glasses of wine was NEVER enough.  There is a whole community of people who are struggling with the same issues I am.  Wow.

In that vulnerable and open state, I came across Belle's blog, and her 100 day challenge.  Without really making a decision, I found myself signing up for this, sending her the original email.  And here I am at two weeks into it.

I'm a bit worried because it hasn't really been all that hard.  I had no withdrawal symptoms that I could notice- and I was watching pretty closely.

Things I am liking: (1)  great sleep (2) more energy and clarity in the mornings (3) not spending all that time figuring out when and where to buy wine, when it was OK to drink (ie, not needing to drive anywhere) (4) getting a whole lot more done around the house and for work, in that variable time formerly occupied by being half-present, half in a bottle of wine.

Maybe I am a fraud- or maybe I am doing something wrong?  I read of others' agonizing struggles through the first days, the first weeks.  Maybe I am just on a giant pink cloud, and the awful reality is going to hit me soon.  Maybe-  I don't know what else.  It is not often that I am uncertain or at a loss for words, but this is definitely how I'd describe my mental state at present.

In the meantime, however, tomorrow will be Day #15, and the day after that (U"bermorgan, as the Germans say) will be Day #16, and I will be continuing my trek toward Day #100.  

Day #13- Almost Two Weeks!!!

Hurray- I've hit the Teens!  It might seem a might small number to people who've been working at this for a while, but it astonishes and amazes me.  I guess I thought I was just constitutionally unable to go nearly two weeks without any wine-  I don't know if I thought the universe would vaporize me, or if I'd self-implode, but going this long without wine certainly seemed very improbable.

What's different now?  It's funny- almost like I am slowing down and actually paying attention to the details of the world around me- nature, people, food, etc.  I think for very long I whizzed through everything else on my way to the evening's first glass of wine.  Only after that was inside me did I start to feel 'normal'.  The experiences I am learning to savor are more subtle, less intense-  but there to be appreciated when I slow down and pay attention.

What a revelation!

Day #11- (in hushed, wondrous tones) India!!

I am so excited:  India!!  It has been on my travel bucket list forever!  My man has been invited to speak at a conference in India next June.  I, of course, will be tagging along.  New Delhi!  It is supposed to have one of the greatest concentrations of Art Deco buildings!  (Art Deco being one of my passions)

I was, however, startled to realize that one of the first places my mind went was travel and alcohol.  Long haul flights have always meant a free pass to me to drink as much wine as I wanted soas to fall asleep and pass the time.  I don't think I want to do this anymore (even though that will be after my 100 day challenge, this facing the world 'raw' stuff is beginning to grow on me!)

And travel/vacations have always meant another free pass:  Wine at 10 in the morning?  Sure.  Wine at 2 in the afternoon?  Sure, have as much as you can drink!!  And I think by doing this I've probably missed half the unique-ness of each place, and half the fun of being there.

Wait, did I just say that wine DIMINISHED my fun?  Wow, I guess in a way it did.  What a sobering (no pun really intended) realization.

And I realize how much time I spent making sure I had a reliable supply of wine.  Where was there a wine store?  Where is the hotel bar?  Is there a mini-bar in the room?  I don't think I want to do that anymore.

One other thing that has changed international travel for me:  my Kindle.  I read avidly and fast, so more than half my suitcase weight 10 years ago would always be books.  Especially if the destination was a non-English-speaking country, I had to assure a adequate supply.  Now I can just load my kindle with a delectable selection of books and magazines, and contain my entire travel library in this slender device.

So this will be a trip to plan and think about.  Traveling light without physical books, and not wasting time drinking or thinking about drinking-  will be an entirely new experience.  I think I will travel extra light, so I can fill by suitcase for the return trip with delicious bright silks and cottons!!

Day #10: Carry On!

Wow!  Double digits!!  My next increase in # of digits will be hitting 3 digits at Day #100!

I decided my theme song for this challenge will be Carry On by Fun.

Chorus:

If you're lost and alone
Or you're sinking like a stone
Carry on
May your past be the sound
Of your feet upon the ground
Carry on

And I think this is what most of us beginning a sobriety journey are doing, from one day to the next, focusing on carrying on.

When I first heard this song, I thought it said:  May your PATH, not May your PAST.

Actually, my version makes more sense to me-  as in:  creating my own unique path with each footfall, not following any pre-ordained path.

Anyway, that's my theme song for the next 90 days!

Day #9- Ambivalence

I don't want to like this sober crap, but I do.  It's not too hard and I feel awesome- but in a funny sorta way, I don't want to.  I want to find it so hard that it is unsustainable.  I want to finish this hundred day challenge and say:  there, now that's done.  Now I can get on with my normal wine drinking.

Except I don't think I can.  I am one of those people for whom one glass of wine definitely means a second on.  And a second means I am even more eager for a third, et cetera, et cetera.

None of this means any firm decision about the role of wine in my future life.  Except for seeing out the total of 100 days of abstinence right now.  But I'm just sayin'- forever without wine does not seem very attractive :(