All the way back on Day #87, I was thinking forward about how I would count days after making it to the magical goal of 100 days sober. I was toying with counting by months, and working on how I would count after figuring in a day or two here and there of sampling wine again.
By Day #96, I had spent some time agonizing over the benefits and risks of trialing wine again, and made the difficult but satisfying decision that 2014 would be an entirely alcohol-free year for me. And so it is proceeding as I near the 5 month mark (counting from my last drink, on 28 October).
I have been surprised at the great satisfaction I find every day writing in my spread sheet (yeah, I know, it's a bit much, lol) another number, one day higher, one day more of being true and authentic with myself and others. It is such a pleasure that I think I'll continue counting by days at least for the rest of 2014!
I walked into the gym this morning and glanced at a magazine lying nearby. The back cover said YOU WON THE LOTTERY in huge print- and had pictures of a pink and a green margarita in classic margarita glasses. I was so surprised at the wisp of a thought that flitted through my mind before I had a chance to consciously consider it. Gosh, I thought, who would want to win a lottery that involved that yucky feeling of having consumed alcohol. What? The rest of me said to that voice. What? You love drinking, remember? (me being the one who never really had an hangovers, so very little negative feedback).
The strong memory of an aroma flooded my mind- the smell of lilies- which I have hated ever since being in hospital after major surgery about 20 years ago, loving the relief of physical pain that the narcotic pain medication provided, but loathing that fuzzy-minded feeling that came with it. Ever since, that scent of lilies has been associated in my mind with that awful mental feeling. (When it's my funeral, please do not send lilies, lol- although hopefully it will be a number of decades before I have to worry about that).
It is moments like this, when I know for certain that my neural circuits and my entire being are continuing to change (for the better) after stopping alcohol- that fuel my determination to continue this journey for at least quite a bit longer, possibly forever.
I hang on to the knowledge that my mind is changing bit by bit day by day when ever I feel wobbly - it helps me stay strong xx
ReplyDeleteYeah, there are those changes taking place while we are busy saying- no, no thank you, no alcohol today. And then all of the sudden I realize- hey, this or that has really changed for me... and, of course, this makes me curious to see what changes next...
DeleteKeep going in 2014, don't look back!!! I did my 100 days starting oct 23 and in vaca in feb I drank. I wish I didn't!!! For 6 weeks I went back & forth drinking here and there- blah! So now I started again and on Day 12. I'm looking forward to a sober 2014- congrats to you!!!
ReplyDeleteWhat counts, long term, is keeping your eye on the goal. It sounds to me as though this minor relapse has just shown you more vividly how much sobriety means to you, and has strengthened your resolve! I totally admire your honesty and steadfastness! And I thank you for telling about your experience- I was very close to doing the same thing! We stopped drinking about the same time - 29 October for me- And I had it all figured out that I could have champagne on Valentines day. That I didn't is something of a minor miracle- and I'm not quite sure why I didn't- possibly from hearing other stories like yours, where just about every single relapse ends in regrets and resumption of abstinence rather than successful moderation. Thank you!
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