Sober Day #160- Alcohol, Time Zones and Jet Lag

Home again!  And what a very fun trip.  The journey home was smooth except for an agonizing 2.5 hours in various lines at US Customs in Toronto- but even that didn't drive me to drink!  

In the past, travel- and fear of flying- was always an excuse for copious wine consumption.  This time I had none.  

I think a lot of the factors and experiences I'd assigned to 'Jet Lag' actually seem to be drinking-related instead.  We arrived home at 11 PM local time on Saturday.  I was up and energetic for my 9 AM pilates class on Sunday, in bed by 10 last night, and up at 6 AM this morning- almost back to my normal 5- 5:30 AM getting-up time.  Without agony.  Feeling fully back in this time zone and ready to resume my normal schedule.  

This is very different from how I felt after a long-haul flight when I thought I needed wine- and lots of it- to cope with fear of flying.  Then I would get home, sleep fitfully, and awaken feeling draggy and out-of-sorts.  It would typically take me  a week or so to feel fully transferred to the new time zone, as far as my internal clock was concerned.  Coming home whether traveling east or west, was the worst, because it was just back to routine, without the novelty of being in a new or different place to entertain me.  

Hmmmm.  It appears (although I probably need to do LOTS of exotic travel to check out this theory, lol) that not drinking actually makes the mechanics of shifting time zones easier- what a revelation!

Sober Day #157: Oxford without Wine

Oxford is an amazing city.  We have been walking and walking, craning our necks to see building details, reading from our guides about the history of this building or that.  To use a worn cliche, it is like walking through history!  And it is so interesting to see this with the flow of students, the blue or green hair, the outrageous costumes, just the vibrancy and energy of all the kids.

Every third storefront, it seems, is a pub.  Yet even the pubs are interesting, even when one it not drinking.  The architectural details, the people, the menu items, the decor.  It is not as hard as I expected not to drink.  (That goodness for diet coke- a habit which I plan to give up eventually, but have decided definitely NOT to tackle during 2014 since I have committed to no alcohol this year).

This is the view from our hotel window:

I have been sitting here, just looking one-by-one at each of the individual elements of the designs, sketching and photographing various elements that will undoubtedly show up in my glass beads and quilt designs.  I know the resolution on this photo isn't great- but if you look at the doorway just above the red van, and just over that, flanking the smaller window- there are two life-sized statues, which are amazing.

Why am I mentioning all this in a Sober Blog?  Because in my prior way of traveling, involving lots of glasses of wine, I might not have seen, really seen these details at all.  I certainly wouldn't have had to patience to sketch design details.  And while I might have flirted with maybe someday perhaps making something incorporating these elements, it would never have happened.  And now it will.

And I really really like that!  I like noticing and appreciating details around me.  This feeds the part of me that used to feel starved, and that starvation is another thing that pushed me toward craving the numbness of alcohol.  I like knowing I will make more wonderful things.  And some month soon, when I am feeling really centered, I will tell y'all the URL of my other main website, which is all about the things I make.

Sober Day #156: So Much Alcohol

I did an experiment yesterday. I consciously looked for all mention of alcohol around me- billboards, newspapers, magazine, websites...   This is in the UK, but the prevalence of alcohol references is pretty much the same at home in the US.

It is absolutely everywhere!   Partial list:

(1) In my email, a Social Living offer for a Mixology Course
(2) A flyer for a dinner featuring a different wine with each course
(3) Large billboards each advertising a different whiskey, gin, etc
(4) Article in a woman's magazine about 'Stocking your Bar'.
(5) Pubs, of course, with lists of alcohol far longer than the food offerings
(6) Newspaper ads for various alcohols, and an article about specific Merlots
(7) TV and magazine ads for various things- cars, travel, clothing or jewelry- showing a glamorous woman/man/couple with champagne/wine glasses as part of the setting

There was nothing else that was mentioned or shown so often and so lovingly.  Not cars, not food, not sports, not boats or high-end housing.  There seemed an assumption that alcohol is necessary for a normal social life.

On one level, it makes me think:  What is there about today's society that makes so many feel a need for a socially-sanctioned escape from it?

On another level, I think: perhaps those with a 'normal' relationship with alcohol (ie, those who have an appropriate OFF button) simply ignore these, and it is only my unhealthy relationship with alcohol that makes me notice these?

And on the most important level, I almost feel thankful for these constant reminders of what I am choosing to change.  Each mention I see/hear makes that first thought across my mind:  That sounds lovely, I'd like some of that.  And then the counterpoint:  Wow!  No, I really don't think I want to do that, at least not right now.  It doesn't seem fun right now to give away part of my life, part of my consciousness, to a substance.

And there is the constant dilemma for most of us:  How can something that logically makes no sense, none at all, still seem attractive and alluring?  

Bottom line:  Alcohol is pervasive in our society.  Those of us with no OFF switch are therefore continually reminded of our false friend, alcohol, and must continually re-think:  Yes or No?  Shall I or shan't I?  The bummer of this is constantly having to flex the "No, not today, thank you" muscle.  But the good side is that all this flexing of the muscle makes it stronger and stronger, and it becomes a bit easier each time to say "No" the next.

I went to a dinner with a large group of husband's colleagues last night.  Wine was being poured around the table by the server.  There was mineral water on the table.  I filled my wine glass with mineral water, said "neither, thank you" the first time I was asked "red or white?"- and the server with wine simply skipped me each time after that when she rounded the table.  It was simple, non-dramatic, I'm not even sure if those seated on either side of me noticed, and nobody mentioned it.  Easy as pie.  Which continues to surprise me.

No wine here yesterday, none planned for today!

Sober Day #154: Flights and Pubs without Wine

I did it!  My first long flight without alcohol.  Eight hours or so, Chicago to Heathrow.  It was an overnight flight.  I did not head to the bar as soon as I cleared security.  Fortunately, the past 5 months have given me numerous opportunities for domestic flights, and I knew that my past need for wine before boarding a flight had more to do with a 'fear of fear' than with actual fear once I was in the air.

Here is a lovely pub in London, near our hotel in Mayfair.  Notice partial head-shot of 16 year old daughter in the lower left!  Eating in there entailed a diet coke with my yummy fish and chips.

I realized how much my vision of vacations or business travel is built around stopping in here and there for a drink.  This is very different:  Awakening each morning refreshed and myself, full of energy.  I've had a lot of practice with evenings and weekends at home without wine, even domestic travel without wine-  but this sort of travel is apparently in a different category in my wine-mind.  

And yet, I am persevering, reminding myself that is how I used to behave, not what I choose now.

On to Oxford tomorrow!

Sober Day #150: Alcohol and smartphone apps- A-CHESS

This is really awesome-  A smart-phone app to help with continued sobriety after acute treatment.  This is not for most of us, as few of us have been through a formal treatment program.  Nevertheless, I think it is well worth knowing about.

I first heard about it on a CBS news feed, and then tracked down the actual article reporting this in the medical journal JAMA psychiatry.  And I found this online video vignette most helpful in seeing how the app could actually work in real time.  In a way, it's a formalized version of what Belle offers, a real-time response to help with those moments of searing temptation.  Belle's is a gentler, more personal version that works better for me, I think, than this app would.  But think of all the hundreds of people who could be helped by something like this!!

I find this in line with what I posted about yesterday, the effectiveness of a kinder, more personalized approach to helping people with alcohol and drug cessation.

I think that knowing what it feels like to be a semi-willing prisoner of a non-helpful chemical, whether alcohol or other mind-altering substances, makes me very driven to extend a hand to others, in the way such kind hands and friendships have been extended to me.  That's one of the reasons I love Lucy's posts.  She is such a great translator of the big picture, the cultural and policy mindsets that lead so many astray by insinuating that excessive drinking is normal and harmless.

May those of us who know what it is like not to have an alcohol OFF switch be always kind and encouraging to those who are still trapped in that daily drama!

Sober Day #149- Alcohol and Kindness

I was in a bookstore yesterday, doing one of my favorite things- taking my time, browsing through all the different sections, looking for new sparks of interest or things to think about.  I bought one really fabulous book Why Olga Runs: about an amateur track and field runner, etc,-  which might seem less than fascinating until you realize she is 91 YEARS OLD-  a new hero for me.

I always look through the alcohol/addiction section.  What struck me yesterday was seeing several books on using kindness to help those trapped in unhealthy relationships with alcohol.    This flies in the face of the typical staged interventions with ultimatums, and the tough love concepts.  But it makes much more sense to me!

When I was drinking, nagging me about it would only make me put up more and thicker defensive walls:  Don't bother me.  Go away.  Leave me alone.  After a number of abortive attempts to moderate my drinking (techniques we are all familiar with:  only two drinks tomorrow night!  No more than one bottle of wine!  Drink only on weekends!)  I was finally again in a mood to change how I drank. 

This might have ended as all previous moderations had ended- resuming where I left off- had I not found Belle's blog.  And then Mrs. D.'s.  Belle's emphasis on treats (yes, imagine that, treating myself kindly rather than repeatedly bashing myself for being an inadequate person!) and Mrs. D.'s matter-of-fact pleasures of socializing without the protection/stimulus of booze-  these were eye-openers!

Suddenly, I could switch to seeing myself as a good person with an addiction problem to solve, rather than a low-life stupid slacker.  And what a huge difference this makes!!

And so here I am at nearly 5 months without any alcohol, observing, noticing and pondering how my life is changing and shifting, always focusing on today, leaving the big question of 'forever?', out there in the future.  And for today, that is fine.

 

Sober Day #148 - How to Count, Revisited

All the way back on Day #87, I was thinking forward about how I would count days after making it to the magical goal of 100 days sober.  I was toying with counting by months, and working on how I would count after figuring in a day or two here and there of sampling wine again.

By Day #96,  I had spent some time agonizing over the benefits and risks of trialing wine again, and made the difficult but satisfying decision that 2014 would be an entirely alcohol-free year for me.  And so it is proceeding as I near the 5 month mark (counting from my last drink, on 28 October).

I have been surprised at the great satisfaction I find every day writing in my spread sheet (yeah, I know, it's a bit much, lol) another number, one day higher, one day more of being true and authentic with myself and others.  It is such a pleasure that I think I'll continue counting by days at least for the rest of 2014!

I walked into the gym this morning and glanced at a magazine lying nearby.  The back cover said YOU WON THE LOTTERY in huge print- and had pictures of a pink and a green margarita in classic margarita glasses.  I was so surprised at the wisp of a thought that flitted through my mind before I had a chance to consciously consider it.  Gosh, I thought, who would want to win a lottery that involved that yucky feeling of having consumed alcohol.  What?  The rest of me said to that voice.  What?  You love drinking, remember?  (me being the one who never really had an hangovers, so very little negative feedback).

The strong memory of an aroma flooded my mind- the smell of lilies-  which I have hated ever since being in hospital after major surgery about 20 years ago, loving the relief of physical pain that the narcotic pain medication provided, but loathing that fuzzy-minded feeling that came with it.  Ever since, that scent of lilies has been associated in my mind with that awful mental feeling.  (When it's my funeral, please do not send lilies, lol-  although hopefully it will be a number of decades before I have to worry about that).

It is moments like this, when I know for certain that my neural circuits and my entire being are continuing to change (for the better) after stopping alcohol- that fuel my determination to continue this journey for at least quite a bit longer, possibly forever.