Sober Day #148 - How to Count, Revisited

All the way back on Day #87, I was thinking forward about how I would count days after making it to the magical goal of 100 days sober.  I was toying with counting by months, and working on how I would count after figuring in a day or two here and there of sampling wine again.

By Day #96,  I had spent some time agonizing over the benefits and risks of trialing wine again, and made the difficult but satisfying decision that 2014 would be an entirely alcohol-free year for me.  And so it is proceeding as I near the 5 month mark (counting from my last drink, on 28 October).

I have been surprised at the great satisfaction I find every day writing in my spread sheet (yeah, I know, it's a bit much, lol) another number, one day higher, one day more of being true and authentic with myself and others.  It is such a pleasure that I think I'll continue counting by days at least for the rest of 2014!

I walked into the gym this morning and glanced at a magazine lying nearby.  The back cover said YOU WON THE LOTTERY in huge print- and had pictures of a pink and a green margarita in classic margarita glasses.  I was so surprised at the wisp of a thought that flitted through my mind before I had a chance to consciously consider it.  Gosh, I thought, who would want to win a lottery that involved that yucky feeling of having consumed alcohol.  What?  The rest of me said to that voice.  What?  You love drinking, remember?  (me being the one who never really had an hangovers, so very little negative feedback).

The strong memory of an aroma flooded my mind- the smell of lilies-  which I have hated ever since being in hospital after major surgery about 20 years ago, loving the relief of physical pain that the narcotic pain medication provided, but loathing that fuzzy-minded feeling that came with it.  Ever since, that scent of lilies has been associated in my mind with that awful mental feeling.  (When it's my funeral, please do not send lilies, lol-  although hopefully it will be a number of decades before I have to worry about that).

It is moments like this, when I know for certain that my neural circuits and my entire being are continuing to change (for the better) after stopping alcohol- that fuel my determination to continue this journey for at least quite a bit longer, possibly forever.