Sober Day #70- Those Negative Emotions again.

Seventy seems like a huge number- I feel surprised to find myself here, seventy days since a glass of wine.  It's been much easier than I expected, except when it isn't (y'all likely know what I mean).  Thankfully, the 'isn't's are less intense and less frequent, but I am still uncomfortable with negative emotions.

I am realizing now that negative emotions and events are just part of life.  As the first Noble Truth of Buddhism says, Suffering (dukkah) occurs.  It isn't punishment for something you've done wrong or failed to do, it isn't karma doubling back to slap you in the face, it is just an inevitable part of human existence.

So all normal human life includes negative thoughts, emotions and occurrences.  Once I accept this, it is no longer compelling to need to escape from these via alcohol.  But those old neural connections run deep, and can kick in when I least expect it.

The bonus of accepting and feeling the negative emotions is that when I am not busy blocking thinking about scary things, not busy avoiding them with alcohol, the other things in my environment, including positive events and emotions, become brighter and more intense.  This is one of the major benefits, for me, of backing away from alcohol!!

Sober Day #69- A Bit Difficult

Yesterday was tough for me- which took me totally by surprise.  Perhaps it is the letdown of the holidays being over?  Or the gloomy low-sunshine weather?

Anyway, everything felt flat and boring yesterday.  As least half a dozen times I caught the thought- Why don't I go get a nice bottle of wine for the evening?  As though that would relieve the boredom, add some excitement and meaning to my existence.   But Wolfie did not get the better of me!

I gritted my teeth, drank some diet ginger ale, ate a bit, read another magazine, played candy crush, more ginger ale- and went to bed early.  Today seems better.

These Sneak Attacks are hard, and take a ton of energy to power through!  But I keep comforting myself with imagined pictures of those new non-drinking neural pathways being laid down, making the next time easier, and the one after that, easier still!  I hope! :)

Sober Day #68: Stress and Thinking

Sobercourage.com just wrote a great post on how to get started with sobriety.  In it she mentions a Time mag cover story in 2007 on How We Get Addicted.  I read this with great interest!

From this story:

"Another fundamental target for addiction treatments is the stress network...stress can increase the desire for drugs."

"The part of the prefrontal cortex that is involved in  deliberate cognition is shut down by stress. " (Carrie says:  this is part of the fight or flight response).  "It's supposed to be, but it's even more so in substance abusers."

"A less responsive frontal cortex sets up addicts to be more impulsive as well".  (Carrie says:  impulsivity includes accepting and consuming alcohol or drugs without fully considering the consequences).

And another piece of my personal puzzle fell into place.

I remembered reading past stories about how success can set people up for failure.  What these studies showed was how stress can set one up for failure to apply logical thinking to situations.

Here's how it works.  Give a big group of students all the same test.  Regardless of performance, tell half that they did really well, but not outstanding.  Tell the other half that they did OK, but might do better another time.  (Remember there was no real difference in performance between the groups; the students were just told that there were).

Then offer both groups a chance to take a similar test, and to use the second score instead of the first. Many more in the 'OK' group chose to take the second test than did those in the 'Really Well' group.  It could be, of course, that the 'Really Well' group decided they were content with a 'good' score, and didn't need to stretch for 'fabulous'.  But in many, it was a fear that they would not do as well on the second exam.  Succeeding the first time made them afraid to tackle the task again.

How does this relate to the Time magazine piece?  Any test is, for most people, a stress.  And in this situation, the prefrontal cortex (Carrie:  this bit is all my connections and conclusions, not part of either article), the deliberate cognition part, begins to respond to stress by shutting down.  This shutting down keeps the 'really well' students from logically concluding that by taking the test once, they are now familiar with the test type and general content, and are likely to do better on a second test.

There are many parallel challenging or stress-inducing situations in each of our lives daily:  the store is out of the one ingredient we need for our special recipe, the washing machine breaks down, one of our kids is behaving badly, etc.   What if we retreat from dealing with these situations logically because stress has shut down our logical thinking? As the Time article says "(The shutdown of prefrontal cognition by stress) is supposed to be, but it's even more so in substance abusers."-  which would make those of us who turn/turned to alcohol for stress relief even more prone to this impulsivity and avoidance of rational considerations.

Here's a very crisp situation where I encountered this in my life.  I've mentioned before the website Lumosity, with brain-training-type games which give short time limits to complete.  On each visit, it sums up your performance with respect to you age peer group.  On my first few visits I did very well, with nice ego-stroking scores.  Then over the next weeks, I kept finding more reasons not to visit.

I finally realized I had some underlying fear of not doing as well on future games as I already had, and seeing my score sink.  "Really, Carrie!", I said to myself.  "A silly computer game is not so stressful that you have to avoid it for fear of your performance!".

After contemplation, I decided that Lumosity was an ideal training ground for me, a limited-risk stress-desensitization opportunity.  An so I have been doing it daily, whether I felt like it or not.  Yes, there is a general upward trend to my scores- but that isn't the point.

The point is:  Lumosity is a situation where I am able to feel stress and practice not shutting down, not shifting my prefrontal lobe into a Fight or Flight response.   And what I can handle here will slowly but surely be translating into my daily life, when a car unexpectedly cuts in front of me, or when the house is on fire, or when someone offers me a lovely glass of wine.  By exercising my ability to keep rational thinking (cognition) present in the face of stress, I am increasing my chances of long-term successful sobriety.

I love it when I find these connections and Aha! moments!!

Sober Day #67- No Drama

Overuse of Alcohol is always accompanied by Drama.  (I think this is true- although 'always statements always make me nervous, lol).  For many the drama is overt, out in the open- noisy fights, door-slamming disagreements, drunk driving, etc.  For me, however- and many others, I am finding out- the drama was always covert, quiet, secret.  And I think it is harder to see the damage from this type of drama, harder perhaps to admit there is a problem with alcohol.

I liked drinking at home, by myself.  An old favorite book or some new magazines was great-  and I would quietly sip glass after glass of wine until I fell asleep.

So where's the drama in this scenario?  Inside!

It was the daily focus on:  What wine is in the house?  Do I need to buy more?  If so, where and when?  The avoidance of other evening activities that might cut into this drinking time.  The dropping out, bit by bit, of other enjoyable activities that didn't involve wine.  The morning fogginess, the butt-dragging approach to each new day.  It became a tunnel-vision version of wine, wine, wine- with everything else, everyone else being only of peripheral interest.  And althoughthis happened while I was continuing to function well professionally, working out and remaining fit, keeping the house functioning well-

There was always this internal drama, this continuing back-chatter of avoidance, alcohol-focus, recrimination, shame:  almost like living a second hidden life along with my outer functional one.  This was a huge energy-suck, and having no energy left for creativity and non-alcohol fun compounded the dominant role of alcohol in my life.

At just over 2 months sober, this is incredibly different now.  I awaken thinking of what awesome things I can tackle this day- rather than how little I can do and still function well.  I bounce out of bed- almost literally- rather than slowly dragging my feet to the floor.  I have energy and enthusiasm - not all the time, but the majority of the time.  My mind runs in fruitful circles around itself, devising new things to try and finding fun and satisfaction in things I'm already doing- even as simple as seeing a cardinal on a snowy tree out my kitchen window while washing dishes.

I have to admit that, to my surprise, this ability to spend time here and now, without all energy being sucked up by internal alcohol-related drama, is amazingly satisfying and nourishing.

So I have a new guideline for myself:  If something feels dramatic, compelling in a soap-opera sort of way, or becomes  an energy-suck type of focus?  It's time for me to examine it very closely, and see what lies I may be telling myself about this event/situation/thoughts.

Since a lot of early sobriety involves dealing with pains and dysfunctions that we drank to escape, there is a lot of sitting-through-pain and dealing with distasteful reality and non-productive adaptations we've developed over time.  Finding clues like:  Examine the Dramas-  seems to help me dig out those dark roots and mal-adaptive behaviours that I have probably been feeling/using since childhood.

I find I very much like these no-drama moments, and they reinforce my decision never to be a daily drinker, and over-user of alcohol again!

Sober Day #66- the Burden of Shame

So many new to or considering sobriety talk about shame:  the shame of misusing alcohol, the shame of relationship or job problems caused by over-use of alcohol, the shame of alcohol-fueled obnoxious or illegal behaviour.

And shame feels so bad, so soul-destroying, that we will do almost anything to avoid it.  For most of us, the easiest most familiar escape is the anesthesia of alcohol.  Bottoms up! Pour another glass!

This becomes a very vicious self-replicating circle.  Feel shame, feel bad, escape with alcohol, feel more shame about drinking, more alcohol to escape....  

Shame is a powerful negative, unwarranted and useless emotion.  Useless? you say??.   Unwarranted?  Yes.  Shame involves feeling defective, feeling powerless, feeling as though one doesn't deserve happiness, doesn't deserve sobriety, doesn't even deserve a life.  Shame is poisonous and destructive.  Shame serves no useful purpose, and is a huge de-motivator for sobriety.  (Randles, Tracy 2013- see full reference below)

Guilt can be useful- it may feel bad, but it can also motivate appropriate reparation.  Embarrassment also feels bad, but can motivate avoidance of repeating the situations causing the embarrassment.  But shame?  It just cuts you off at the knees.  It makes you feel useless, defective, unworthy.  And none of us should feel shamed.

It is part of our birthright as human beings that we are inherently worthy people.  We have made mistakes and bad choices, have done things we are sorry about-  but we are still worthy people:  People who deserve to escape the trap of alcohol, people who deserve friends and support, people who deserve to pursue sobriety and happiness.

Let go of shame.  I deserve better, and so do you!


Randles D, Tracy JL.  Nonverbal Displays of Shame Predict Relapse and Declining Health in Recovering Alcoholics.  Clinical Psychological Science, April 2013; vol. 1, 2: pp. 149-155., epub February 4, 2013 

Sober Day #65- Emotions and Fear

Alcohol numbs us- to our surroundings, our emotions, our fears.  Most of us who turn to alcohol as a solution feel inadequate in some way, unequal to the challenges of our lives, afraid we can't 'handle' the emotions we'd feel if not numbed. And with sobriety, we can be flooded with the very emotions we have been trying to avoid.  How to deal with this?

I'm discovering it's much simpler than it initially seems.  You just sit still and allow yourself to feel.  You notice how you are feeling.  It's kind of like letting your tongue feel a sore tooth, at first.  It feels strange, unaccustomed and possible dangerous.  Keep feeling.  Don't shut it off.  Just sit with it.  And after a bit, you find yourself thinking:  well, this isn't that hard after all.

Even the really tricky emotions- jealousy, fear, hatred- they all dissipate over time.  Especially when you keep reminding yourself, these are emotions occurring in my mind, they have no concrete reality of their own.  Therefore, if I don't like them, I do have the power to change them.

One of this big benefits of this, besides lessening the pull of anesthetic alcohol, is that it also frees you to feel the positive emotions.  (anesthesia lessens or shuts off all emotions, good and bad, happy and sad- it doesn't work selectively!).  And those pleasant, joyful emotions-they also feed one's soul and lessen the attractiveness of alcohol as a solution.

Examples:  Last night I sat on the sofa in my bedroom, reading before bed.  One dog was curled up next to me, one was curled up at my feet, and the third was doing adorable calithenics on the bed.  I took a moment to really enjoy the scene:  Warm and cozy, soft and comfortable, great canine friends- and a good book.  Contentment.

This morning, I opened the garage door to head off to work-  and found snow.  An inch or more.  Sigh, another force trying to make me late for work.  But then as I drove, I switched my focus.  It was still dark.  As I drove, the snowflakes caught in my headlights, and appeared to be coming toward me (like that old windows star screensaver).  It was absolutely lovely:  Enchantment.

Making that conscious shift to being truly present for the moment, noticing what is happening around me, finding the good, the amusing, the beautiful-  these feelings feed that fearful place in my soul, and help bolster my resistance to that siren call of Wolfie, the King of Alcohol.

Sober Day #64: Conversation

Me (to Mister):  I was remembering years ago when I had surgery, and was in the hospital for 5 or 6 days afterward.  I felt vaguely nauseated the whole time-  from the pain medicine, I think.  Specifically, I was remembering that woozy, spinning-head, not-quite-there feeling from the pain medicine.

Mister:  So, what about it?

Me:  I had this brief love-hate relationship with the pain medicine then- I loved it because it took away that searing acute pain, but I dreaded each dose because it made me feel like not-myself.

Mister:  Oh?

Me:  So, looking at it from the vantage point of 60+ days without alcohol, I see a resemblance between the Pain-Medicine-Not-Me feeling and how I feel after drinking alcohol.  I wonder why I never noticed that before?

Mister:  What do you mean?

Me:  Drinking alcohol is that same sort of feeling:  Each glass put me further and further from being my real self, and more and more into that dizzying, not-quite-real, separated feeling.

Mister:  Really?

Me:  Yeah.  And I really don't like that feeling.  I wonder why I never noticed that before about alcohol?

Mister:  Because you were in pain, and alcohol brought you pain relief.

Me: Oh.  Yeah.