I was in a bookstore yesterday, doing one of my favorite things- taking my time, browsing through all the different sections, looking for new sparks of interest or things to think about. I bought one really fabulous book Why Olga Runs: about an amateur track and field runner, etc,- which might seem less than fascinating until you realize she is 91 YEARS OLD- a new hero for me.
I always look through the alcohol/addiction section. What struck me yesterday was seeing several books on using kindness to help those trapped in unhealthy relationships with alcohol. This flies in the face of the typical staged interventions with ultimatums, and the tough love concepts. But it makes much more sense to me!
When I was drinking, nagging me about it would only make me put up more and thicker defensive walls: Don't bother me. Go away. Leave me alone. After a number of abortive attempts to moderate my drinking (techniques we are all familiar with: only two drinks tomorrow night! No more than one bottle of wine! Drink only on weekends!) I was finally again in a mood to change how I drank.
This might have ended as all previous moderations had ended- resuming where I left off- had I not found Belle's blog. And then Mrs. D.'s. Belle's emphasis on treats (yes, imagine that, treating myself kindly rather than repeatedly bashing myself for being an inadequate person!) and Mrs. D.'s matter-of-fact pleasures of socializing without the protection/stimulus of booze- these were eye-openers!
Suddenly, I could switch to seeing myself as a good person with an addiction problem to solve, rather than a low-life stupid slacker. And what a huge difference this makes!!
And so here I am at nearly 5 months without any alcohol, observing, noticing and pondering how my life is changing and shifting, always focusing on today, leaving the big question of 'forever?', out there in the future. And for today, that is fine.
Showing posts with label kindness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label kindness. Show all posts
Thursday, March 27, 2014
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Sober Days #83 and #84- Tolerance, Acceptance and Resilience!
This sober blogging community- we are amazing! I have been aware of Sober Blogs and reading (and writing) them now for about 3 months. The power of this group astonishes me!
I have read many blogs detailing not-quite-making it. A one night deviation from a plan of abstinence, or a several year dive back into alcohol. Some just go quiet during these time. Others, the very bravest, post the details of these very difficult experiences. And are received with kindness, acceptance, acknowledgment of how any of us have been there, could be there, will be there again, disappointing ourselves in our struggle with that most seductive of false friends, alcohol. There is always encouragement, support and suggestions for new strategies.
And the resilience we show here! Those who fail in their abstinence plans, and start again, once or a thousand times. What is braver, more determined, stronger, than someone who fails, and tries again, fails and tries again. This takes a very special kind of courage, to face not-doing what you intended, and coming back for another pass, for as long as it takes. It takes a very special kind of self-acceptance, forgiveness and gut-wrenching determination.
And that's just those of us who are working on this out loud- er, in semi-public writing via blogs or comments. We also include the vast numbers of lurkers, who draw strength, education and a knowledge of not-being-alone from reading and thinking, without feeling the need to write.
Nobody planned this. No one said, Gee, everyone who struggles with alcohol, listen up! Let's all write blogs about our experiences. Nope. This community is like the best of off-line, in 3D life communities, a spontaneous evolution of people with a common challenge- letting alcohol become a bigger part of their lives than they like- finding and helping each other.
I am so glad this community exists. Without the support and education I've found here, I don't think I would have been motivated to tackle 100 days without alcohol. I know I will experiment with drinking alcohol again, after I finish these 100 days. I know I will be honest here about my experiences. And I know that whatever role alcohol takes in my future- Whether I decide I am a never-ever person, or a glass of wine 3 times a year person, or one who vacillates back and forth from over-use to abstinence, back and forth- I know y'all will be here, learning from my experiences, and helping me bring into focus how alcohol fits, if at all, into me continuing to be my most authentic self.
Thank you!!!
I have read many blogs detailing not-quite-making it. A one night deviation from a plan of abstinence, or a several year dive back into alcohol. Some just go quiet during these time. Others, the very bravest, post the details of these very difficult experiences. And are received with kindness, acceptance, acknowledgment of how any of us have been there, could be there, will be there again, disappointing ourselves in our struggle with that most seductive of false friends, alcohol. There is always encouragement, support and suggestions for new strategies.
And the resilience we show here! Those who fail in their abstinence plans, and start again, once or a thousand times. What is braver, more determined, stronger, than someone who fails, and tries again, fails and tries again. This takes a very special kind of courage, to face not-doing what you intended, and coming back for another pass, for as long as it takes. It takes a very special kind of self-acceptance, forgiveness and gut-wrenching determination.
And that's just those of us who are working on this out loud- er, in semi-public writing via blogs or comments. We also include the vast numbers of lurkers, who draw strength, education and a knowledge of not-being-alone from reading and thinking, without feeling the need to write.
Nobody planned this. No one said, Gee, everyone who struggles with alcohol, listen up! Let's all write blogs about our experiences. Nope. This community is like the best of off-line, in 3D life communities, a spontaneous evolution of people with a common challenge- letting alcohol become a bigger part of their lives than they like- finding and helping each other.
I am so glad this community exists. Without the support and education I've found here, I don't think I would have been motivated to tackle 100 days without alcohol. I know I will experiment with drinking alcohol again, after I finish these 100 days. I know I will be honest here about my experiences. And I know that whatever role alcohol takes in my future- Whether I decide I am a never-ever person, or a glass of wine 3 times a year person, or one who vacillates back and forth from over-use to abstinence, back and forth- I know y'all will be here, learning from my experiences, and helping me bring into focus how alcohol fits, if at all, into me continuing to be my most authentic self.
Thank you!!!
Friday, December 6, 2013
Sober Day #38- Travel & Kindness
Another flight today. No wine. It was OK.
I'm sitting at a resort outside Atlanta, temp nearly 80 degrees, sunny, looking out over a beautiful lake. And at home everything is at a standstill due to an ice storm.
Traveling alone can make me pensive. Today I've been thinking about what I was using alcohol to avoid, to mask. What parts of my best self do I find uncomfortable to acknowledge, to appreciate? Using a guideline for this trip of making self-care and sobriety my top priorty (screw anything that interferes with this!) is an interesting experience. I am appreciating myself, perhaps even cherishing and celebrating myself. This, I think, is something those of us who turn to excess amounts of alcohol do not do well.
What, I think, just what if, I treated myself like this all the time? With honor, tenderness and care? (as distinct from shirking necessary duties, turning into a lazy slob, or not doing anything productive!) I mean, just what if I believed it was true? That I am a good, kind, honorable being with a right to exist and a duty to be true to myself?
If I'd started from that place, I don't think alcohol would ever have seemed attractive? How do we learn to be so mean, so careless and hurtful to ourselves?
The good part, however, is that we can recognize and change this. This is a journey we are all on, and I am so grateful for this cyber-community the celebrates and reinforces this new world-view and self-view!!!
I'm sitting at a resort outside Atlanta, temp nearly 80 degrees, sunny, looking out over a beautiful lake. And at home everything is at a standstill due to an ice storm.
Traveling alone can make me pensive. Today I've been thinking about what I was using alcohol to avoid, to mask. What parts of my best self do I find uncomfortable to acknowledge, to appreciate? Using a guideline for this trip of making self-care and sobriety my top priorty (screw anything that interferes with this!) is an interesting experience. I am appreciating myself, perhaps even cherishing and celebrating myself. This, I think, is something those of us who turn to excess amounts of alcohol do not do well.
What, I think, just what if, I treated myself like this all the time? With honor, tenderness and care? (as distinct from shirking necessary duties, turning into a lazy slob, or not doing anything productive!) I mean, just what if I believed it was true? That I am a good, kind, honorable being with a right to exist and a duty to be true to myself?
If I'd started from that place, I don't think alcohol would ever have seemed attractive? How do we learn to be so mean, so careless and hurtful to ourselves?
The good part, however, is that we can recognize and change this. This is a journey we are all on, and I am so grateful for this cyber-community the celebrates and reinforces this new world-view and self-view!!!
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