Sober Day #67- No Drama

Overuse of Alcohol is always accompanied by Drama.  (I think this is true- although 'always statements always make me nervous, lol).  For many the drama is overt, out in the open- noisy fights, door-slamming disagreements, drunk driving, etc.  For me, however- and many others, I am finding out- the drama was always covert, quiet, secret.  And I think it is harder to see the damage from this type of drama, harder perhaps to admit there is a problem with alcohol.

I liked drinking at home, by myself.  An old favorite book or some new magazines was great-  and I would quietly sip glass after glass of wine until I fell asleep.

So where's the drama in this scenario?  Inside!

It was the daily focus on:  What wine is in the house?  Do I need to buy more?  If so, where and when?  The avoidance of other evening activities that might cut into this drinking time.  The dropping out, bit by bit, of other enjoyable activities that didn't involve wine.  The morning fogginess, the butt-dragging approach to each new day.  It became a tunnel-vision version of wine, wine, wine- with everything else, everyone else being only of peripheral interest.  And althoughthis happened while I was continuing to function well professionally, working out and remaining fit, keeping the house functioning well-

There was always this internal drama, this continuing back-chatter of avoidance, alcohol-focus, recrimination, shame:  almost like living a second hidden life along with my outer functional one.  This was a huge energy-suck, and having no energy left for creativity and non-alcohol fun compounded the dominant role of alcohol in my life.

At just over 2 months sober, this is incredibly different now.  I awaken thinking of what awesome things I can tackle this day- rather than how little I can do and still function well.  I bounce out of bed- almost literally- rather than slowly dragging my feet to the floor.  I have energy and enthusiasm - not all the time, but the majority of the time.  My mind runs in fruitful circles around itself, devising new things to try and finding fun and satisfaction in things I'm already doing- even as simple as seeing a cardinal on a snowy tree out my kitchen window while washing dishes.

I have to admit that, to my surprise, this ability to spend time here and now, without all energy being sucked up by internal alcohol-related drama, is amazingly satisfying and nourishing.

So I have a new guideline for myself:  If something feels dramatic, compelling in a soap-opera sort of way, or becomes  an energy-suck type of focus?  It's time for me to examine it very closely, and see what lies I may be telling myself about this event/situation/thoughts.

Since a lot of early sobriety involves dealing with pains and dysfunctions that we drank to escape, there is a lot of sitting-through-pain and dealing with distasteful reality and non-productive adaptations we've developed over time.  Finding clues like:  Examine the Dramas-  seems to help me dig out those dark roots and mal-adaptive behaviours that I have probably been feeling/using since childhood.

I find I very much like these no-drama moments, and they reinforce my decision never to be a daily drinker, and over-user of alcohol again!

Sober Day #65- Emotions and Fear

Alcohol numbs us- to our surroundings, our emotions, our fears.  Most of us who turn to alcohol as a solution feel inadequate in some way, unequal to the challenges of our lives, afraid we can't 'handle' the emotions we'd feel if not numbed. And with sobriety, we can be flooded with the very emotions we have been trying to avoid.  How to deal with this?

I'm discovering it's much simpler than it initially seems.  You just sit still and allow yourself to feel.  You notice how you are feeling.  It's kind of like letting your tongue feel a sore tooth, at first.  It feels strange, unaccustomed and possible dangerous.  Keep feeling.  Don't shut it off.  Just sit with it.  And after a bit, you find yourself thinking:  well, this isn't that hard after all.

Even the really tricky emotions- jealousy, fear, hatred- they all dissipate over time.  Especially when you keep reminding yourself, these are emotions occurring in my mind, they have no concrete reality of their own.  Therefore, if I don't like them, I do have the power to change them.

One of this big benefits of this, besides lessening the pull of anesthetic alcohol, is that it also frees you to feel the positive emotions.  (anesthesia lessens or shuts off all emotions, good and bad, happy and sad- it doesn't work selectively!).  And those pleasant, joyful emotions-they also feed one's soul and lessen the attractiveness of alcohol as a solution.

Examples:  Last night I sat on the sofa in my bedroom, reading before bed.  One dog was curled up next to me, one was curled up at my feet, and the third was doing adorable calithenics on the bed.  I took a moment to really enjoy the scene:  Warm and cozy, soft and comfortable, great canine friends- and a good book.  Contentment.

This morning, I opened the garage door to head off to work-  and found snow.  An inch or more.  Sigh, another force trying to make me late for work.  But then as I drove, I switched my focus.  It was still dark.  As I drove, the snowflakes caught in my headlights, and appeared to be coming toward me (like that old windows star screensaver).  It was absolutely lovely:  Enchantment.

Making that conscious shift to being truly present for the moment, noticing what is happening around me, finding the good, the amusing, the beautiful-  these feelings feed that fearful place in my soul, and help bolster my resistance to that siren call of Wolfie, the King of Alcohol.

Sober Day #53- The Other OFF Switch

Another wine-free Friday evening- this is getting to be a habit!  I was asleep by 9:30 and had a delicious 8+ hours of sleep.  Followed by a few hours at the gym this morning- yay!

We know that most of us who have alcohol-consumption problems have deficient OFF switches for saying NO to the 3rd, 4th, 5th, etc drink.  But I'm thinking today about that other OFF switch, that seems much more possible for us to change than the first.

This is the OFF for the To-Do List, OFF for everything must be accomplished today, OFF for If I don't do everything faster and twice as well as my (sister, friend, mother, etc) I am a failure.

It's a softening that helps turn that switch off.  A willingness to believe I am inherently a good and valuable person, regardless of exactly how much I accomplish today.  And this is really important for me!  Part of the reason I was so attracted to alcohol was how it allowed me to ignore that To Do Everything Now voice.  It put cotton plugs in my ears, so that I could no longer hear it, and thus could relax.

Imagine my astonishment in discovering now that I-  yeah, that would be me!- I hold the power to turn that Voice on and off.  At 8 PM at night, I can say- OK, that's enough for today.  Have some tea, write in your journal, read a fabulous book- then turn off the lights and enjoy your sleep.

Even at noon on a Saturday-  I can shut off the Voice if I feel stressed and in need of rest.  Even at work, I can shut off the home-family-life-related Voice, and just laser-focus on patient issues.

This is another Earth-Moving revelation for me!  Shutting off the switch that controls that annoyingly helpful voice is not some magical power integral to alcohol.  I had that power all along, but just misplaced it.

Glory Be!!!